It's bloody hard isn't it???

[niceguy2]

Just had a good friend of mine around who has recently become a stepmum as well as having her own DC's. And like my wife & I, she's also struggling to integrate the family as a unit.

It's just something a lot of our friends who have never been a step-parent understand. They all assume that as soon as you live together that it's all happy families. It's usually a surprise when I say that in many ways it was easier being a single parent. There's no compromises. You don't get put into impossible situations where you are damned if you do, damned if you don't.

It is very hard! So hard in fact that many people give up - which is what we've done!

Selling our beautiful home, dividing up our belongings, living and sleeping in different spaces.

We have had some lovely times but I'd rather be alone with my 2 DS than be in this pretence that is this family.

I wouldn't do it again.

It is hard. The hardest thing I've ever done!!
When it goes wrong it is the worst feeling in the world - I feel for you Louby, your situation sounds unbearable.
But when it all works out it is the best feeling ever and worth hanging on in there.
I think the key is that both partners have to be committed to working at it and compromising. If one won't budge and expects the other to make all the sacrifices it will never work.

Yep! No matter how much you think you're prepared for it - that's an understatement. Until you're actually in the situation do you realise how hard it actually is.

The thing is, it's hard enough when you're part of a blended family but when you add in complications of unreasonable parents and so on - it's a whole lot harder. It makes you question yourself and your relationship.

Personally I'd advise anyone who says they're ready for it - think again, because you have no idea what's ahead.

I also think you need to be with someone that has the same parenting style as you, otherwise there is constant tension, different expectations.

My exDP was overly strict and although I learnt from him and became a better parent, I do feel that discipline should be balanced with fun, of which there was very little in our house. I may have become a better parent because of him but I don't think he became better at parenting because of me - it was his way or nothing!

So, if you're making the step-family thing work, well done! It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

Louby, don't want to hijack this thread, but I feel for you and hope you are ok. You sound like a very strong woman xx

Nice guy, I totally understand what you are saying about people not "getting it". They don't, and being a step parent is incredibly hard. I wish you all the best x

I think one thing that helped me is that I had an incredibly dysfunctional childhood.

A second thing that helped me is that my partner had had a really unsatisfactory previous marriage, which meant that he felt that our communication was, by contrast, a good one. He was consistently appreciative, supportive, affirming.

When I started off as a step-parent I was genuinely astonished that my stepchildren seemed to like me, rather than regarding me as 'wicked'. Inevitably there were times when - if I laid down boundaries - they didn't like me as much. But I had my partner's support and my stepchildren generally calmed down and came round. They also seemed to appreciate having a little sister, when she came along.

Of course there were difficulties too. A really hostile ex who didn't do communication or involve my partner in key decisions re education etc.

And, though, it might seem a relatively trivial one - the bedwetting, which went on till they were in double figures - was a tough one for me.

It's incredibly hard, but, I love my husband and DSD so wouldn't ever wish I hadn't got involved. We are only allowed EOW (not even a full weekend, Sat morn to Sun eve - pathetic) so emotions and problems sometimes seem to be heightened because everything feels like it has to be squeezed in such a short amount of time.

Everyday quibbles that a 'together' family would deal with somehow seem worse as the time with her is so short - I find myself on edge TRYING to make everything 'normal' so arguments don't spoil the precious time - AARGH. It's not always like this of course, but it is a pressure and not fully relaxing.

It's the hardest 'situation' I've ever had to deal with and it is constant. It's been 6 years of spite and bitterness from her mother and it is hard going. However, I have my husband's and DSD's love which actually makes it all worthwhile.