DSC and affection, do or don't?

[shey02]

Hi again. Try to keep this short and sweet... I'm really struggling with my situation at the moment with my boyfriends dc. I keep going, keep making an effort, I care about these kids and want so much to have them more in my life. Very little comes back to me from them which is fine, I understand, they are not supposed to like me (dm is nutjob). But boyfriend is constantly critisising me (as opposed to encouraging or supporting) and I'm not sure where to go from here. There are so many things I need to know. One of which is this; In the case of his tween dd (the one who is most hostile, most voiciferous about not wanting to spend time with me, the least engaged), do you keep hugging them, or putting your arm around them on occasion or an occasion peck on the cheek/head with a greeting WHEN they pull away, turn away or flinch every time?

Maybe this is an odd question? I just don't want to keep making mistakes, my boyfriend thinks I should be as affectionate with them as my dc are with him, but that is reciprocal, so isn't that a bit different...? I feel I should give her space and not force myself on her, but I really need advice. Thanks.

I would be really upset if someone kept making physical contact with me when I don't want it. I think you should back off and just be friendly.

I think your main problem is the fact your boyfriend is critical! You should e working together on this and he should be supporting you.

I agree with lasting, physical contact is clearly unwelcome so trust your instincts and give her space.

Thank you, that's what I've always done, leaving those things for birthdays, xmas etc, because that's what I believe is right for the child. Starting to believe my problem is my boyfriends unrealistic expectations. Does anyone know of any good step parenting books?

Agree ^

Be friendly and warm but if an adult friend wasn't the kissy huggy type you wouldn't push yourself on them so don't do it to the child.

And I'd be getting cross with your boyfriend in your shoes. You're trying your very best; its obvious. It's all very well him being affectionate with your kids because as you say, it's reciprocal. Have you asked him how he'd feel if they pushed HIM away? Can he honestly say he'd carry on trying to hug them if they were openly hostile??

I wouldn't keep hugging them if they don't like it. I'd also stop calling their mum a nut job, that's pretty low.

I can recommend a book called "stepmooster".

With regard to affection, let the children take the lead.

They will notice little things you do for them, favorite meals, welcoming home, clean pyjamas on the pillow and their favorite toys out ready for them, trips to the park, picnics in the summer, no big gestures just be consistent, kind and thoughtful.

The more you write, the more I'm convinced that your bf is the problem.

If the kids get even a sniff of tension between you two wrt the affection thing they've got a wonderful stick with which to prise you apart.

He needs to back off, but also back you up a bit more in a low key way.... if anything is said by the step DCs or their mum he should just shrug - "Shey is very fond of the DCs but they don't like it when she's affectionate so she respects that"...and change subject.

Alwayscheerful - yes. Agree.

Thanks guys. I feel what I'm doing is the right way now, thanks for all the responses. To let the children take the lead is common sense. Worrying more now about my relationship than the dsc... :(

I hav 2 dsc, dsd 11, very affectionate, always telling me im great and she loves me and visa versa dss 8 has a great loyalty to his mum, used to hate chatting with me, hated me touching him, hugging etc, acted as though wasnt even there.
I just continued treating him as I do my dc's and dsd, using affectionate terms, ruffle hair, stoke of cheek, bear hugs with rasberry blowing on cheek, all those silly little things that are normal with my own dc, after 14 months of living together and him treating me as a pain in the arse and some one who is just in the way we hav results :-) yesterday he came to me instead of dad and said he had a headach, let me do his calpol and didnt pull away wen I I 1 armed hugged him I then got a big smile and thank you only a small thing but massive achievement.
id say dont pull away from ur dsc, b as affectionate as u r with on dc, in time they will c u care, and trust u.
x

That's a really nice story. And good advice about the small physical gestures. I see so little of these kids, couple of hours every two weeks, alot less than I used to see them. And the less I see of them, I suppose it will take longer to bond and to get to the position that some of you, thankfully find yourselves in. I am patient, I can do that, but the pressure is all on me to make it happen like tomorrow!

No no no! Affection should come from the dc first before it is reciprocated.
My DSD is very affectionate and always wants cuddles but DSS is more aloof and would freak out if I kissed him!!! Neither of my dc show DP any physical affection at all, its not the manly thing to do!!

I guess it's going to be slightly different one dsc to the other, just want the get the right balance and to feel I'm doing the right thing for each one.

I agree with Kaluki. Beyond being welcoming (big smile and hello on arrival/make a favourite dish for tea/be interested in what they're doing/where they're going/new dress....whatever) I'd definitely NOT be all hugs and kisses unless they make the first move. It's NOT necessary or appropriate. I have one SD who always has a hug/kiss on arrival and departure and one who hasn't seen me in 2.5 years. Interestingly, it's the latter, who was hostile and resentful when her dad and I got together and married (9 yrs ago) who said I was never motherly with hugs/kisses. This, from a then 16 yr old who wouldn't look at me, never mind speak to me. No, no physical displays of affected unless they want it.

OP if you only see the kids a couple of hours a week I'm not sure about the gestures of affection like hugs and kisses. It's not like they have enough time to build up a relationship with you and to them it might feel odd that their dad's girlfriend who they hardly know is wanting to hug and kiss them.

I know, I'm struggling more with my dp that with his dc at the moment. I feel he is limiting our time together, but frustratingly wanting me to treat them as he does mine (whom he practically lives with and who love him). Obviously with less time now, bonding will be slower, it's like starting over each time, yet he wants to see that I care. I have explained about the afffection thing, one of the dc does not want it and thats why I don't do it. He will think I don't hug them because I don't care!!! But I will not compromise the child or what I believe is right to please him. Because I really believe that he is wrong here and taking advice on this forum has really helped in many ways. In some ways it makes me realise the situation will never change, sadly but I have to make him see that what he is doing is putting up barriers between us and my role becoming almost impossible. So frustrated.

I used to hate being hugged and kissed by my relatives at that age!

You are very much a stranger in their lives, I would say back off.

Have a chat with your DP and discuss getting more time with the kids. Maybe little and often will help them realise you are no threat and can actually be fun? You can share a good time and maybe show some affection when they have to go home again, when the time is right.

Don't think there's any one magic cure, children are very different from one family to the next and you need to work out who these new ones are.

Thanks last poster. I've been reading Step Parents Parachute and what you say about little and often rings true to me and in the grand scheme of things seems the right way. But getting my dp on board (he thinks he must give them separate time with him during the week, making my time with the dsc only every two weeks) is becoming a problem. I feel I'd rather see them little and often during the week and give them their weekend to themselves when it rolls around. It feels like I never see them now, but am nagged constantly to do the right thing, say the right thing. And the thing it talks about in the book about you and your partner being a team... well, I'm starting to worry that without his support, I'm onto a losing streak. :(

Think you need a full and frank discussion with your OH. You need to develop a relationship with these children at their pace. He needs to show a bit more empathy to your situation and stop trying to force things.

With physical contact I generally let dss instigate it. I have my owns dcs so it is a bit different. I feel more comfortable ruffling his hair than kissing him goodbye in the morning like I do with my own two. He will sometimes cuddle up or sit on my knee sometimes but i take his lead on it.