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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSC and dates

15 replies

FeelingTheFire · 05/01/2014 11:03

DH received an email from the ex with a list of dates for the year with regards to the DSC. He emailed back letting her know if everything's ok once he's discussed things with me as we might have hospital appointments with our DC that might coincide. She emailed back in record time for her (normally takes 2-3 weeks if we email a question) wanting to know what the dates had to do with me?

I stay completely out of their business when it comes to their children and rightly so. But surely I should be involved when it comes to the dates? These dates will require frequent travelling so is it wrong for me to just double check if our DC have important appointments that can't be juggled around?

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 05/01/2014 11:16

Ignore the email

Original poster

FeelingTheFire · 05/01/2014 11:21

I'm planning to Chasing, not interested in responding to her little digs. The problem we have though is that she'll refuse to budge on dates if they need the odd alteration.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 05/01/2014 11:59

If she's emailing (rather than putting your DP on the spot) then it's probably better for him to simply check with you before replying.

And best not to imply that he'll drop the contact plans if he needs to take your DCs to hospital. Obvoiusly in some emergency that might happen (or he might end up dumping them on a friend or relative) but telling upfront about possible hospital visits when you don't know when they'll be has probably been read as "My new children's needs come first now. Don't rely on me to have them in case I can't" which could be why she's reacted badly

TortillasAndChocolate · 05/01/2014 12:09

I do get what you're saying completely, but I can see her point of view. If I emailed my ex dates and he said he needed to check with his girlfriend, rightly or wrongly, it would definitely grate on me. I would think, they're our kids no one else's, and secondly, they should be a priority.

He would be better off just checking the dates over with you, changing any that really need to be changed, and just not explicitly saying he needs to check with you. Same outcome in the end but without upsetting anyone. Not sure if I'm making sense!!

Original poster

FeelingTheFire · 05/01/2014 12:10

Purple, there's no problem with juggling dates around and possibly ringing for a rescheduled appointment. We've already got some dates (asthma clinic and a paediatrician appointment scheduled). It was more of a let me check dates so I know if we can reschedule them or not. Cancelling contact won't happen.

It's handy to know dates too because for follow up appointments I can then inform the clinics when so and so date isn't convenient.

Surely dates should be flexible for both parents and children - and not just suited to what suits one side.

OP posts:

Original poster

FeelingTheFire · 05/01/2014 12:13

Totilla, I see what you mean but he has more than 2 kids - those 2 kids should not be his priority. They all should be. One is not more important than the other.

Flexibility needs to be shown on both sides.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 05/01/2014 12:17

No I agree completely that your DP should check the dates with you first. I expect mine to do the same.
I was just suggesting that if the suggested dates have come via email it's probably best for your DP to check them with you before he replies. Rather than bother replying to tell her he can't commit until he's spoken to you - which it sounds as if hit a nerve somehow.

Original poster

FeelingTheFire · 05/01/2014 12:23

It was more of a "these are the dates", that she won't budge on. I agree, it would have been better for him to check the dates first and then email back with ones that need to be slightly altered. Plus, he wouldn't know the dates as I deal with all the appointments. So he'd have to confirm with me anyway as he's useless with organising.

OP posts:

FrogStarandRoses · 05/01/2014 14:06

He emailed back letting her know if everything's ok once he's discussed things with me

this was his mistake. Why tell her that? Why not just delay replying until he has spoken to you?

He's playing his ex and you off against each other - question is, is it deliberate or unintentional?

Original poster

FeelingTheFire · 05/01/2014 14:40

I don't think it was intentional Frogstar. I think he just didn't think. I'm not bothered what her response about me is - water off a ducks back. If she feels the need to be snippy every email she sends then that's for he to deal with. She just doesn't like communicating. Everything has to be her way or no way. She loves to have that little element of control - even if it's changing times/dates by an hour.

I think he realises he's gone about it the wrong way and should have just emailed back after he knew what was what.

OP posts:

matana · 05/01/2014 18:19

You should be involved in dates. In fact in our house it's usually me who now sorts this with dh's ex because dh is absolutely rubbish and has an awful memory for things we have planned if we haven't written it down somewhere - things like birthdays etc. Don't get me wrong it's taken 11 years to get to this stage and there's still not much consultation and we're 'given' the dates but she is more flexible than she used to be. It's right that things that can impact on both or all people in a relationship involve all those people.

FrogStarandRoses · 05/01/2014 18:33

matana I don't think the issue is whether or not the OP should be involved in dates - (of course she should!) the issue is that her DP decided that his ex needed to know that he was going to check with the OP before he confirmed the dates she had proposed.

In a lot of cases of high conflict separated parenting, the situation is often exacerbated by the reasonable parent thoughtlessly giving the unreasonable parent ammunition to fire back.

In this case, if the OPs DH had read the email, checked with the OP and then replied, then his ex wouldn't have responded with vitriol. Furthermore, I have to wonder why the OPs DP chose to share his exs vitriolic reply with the OP; it suggests a desire to fuel the flames of conflict between the two women in his life. Having realised he made a mistake, the prudent thing to do would be ignore his exs reply and manage the dates demanded as well as he can.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 05/01/2014 18:40

Is there no regular contact agreement between dh and ex? What are the dates she is emailing him?

Original poster

FeelingTheFire · 05/01/2014 19:19

As far as contact goes, it's court ordered but the actual dates are meant to be decided between the parents. The problem lies in the wording - as the dates aren't actually set in stone then ex has form to change them when she feels like it. She plays it so that she keeps the dates during the right time scale but suddenly changes the days.

She's not the most communicative of types so getting sense of things with her is hard. How can you communicate with someone who refuses to do so?

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 05/01/2014 19:23

Ahh! Thats tough! In dhs shoes i think i'd want to apply to have the order amended to specify what the split of days are to be - so for example- he has them thursday from school pick up til sunday evening or monday school drop off every week.

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