Struggling with Double Standards

[AddieLee]

Hello, I am seriously struggling with something at the moment and know that unless I can get some advice it's probably going to tear my relationship apart.

Recently my BF's ex called, in a panic saying that their daughter (2) had badly hurt herself and they were going to the hospital. Naturally we were terrified, rushed to A&E to wait for her to arrive. When she got there, the little girl had cut her lip, in fairness it was a nasty cut, but it had stopped bleeding already. The triage nurse checked for concussion (of which there was none because she had only hit her mouth, not her head luckily) and gave her a plaster and some Calpol.

The ex told us she had bitten straight through her lip, we assumed she had checked the wound and so didn't prod and look further so as not to start it bleeding again. So we proceeded to spend four hours waiting in A&E, with the little girl running around, laughing, playing, drinking and trying to not let her get too bored. It was more than obvious we didn't need to be there. When we were finally seen, they looked at her lip and announced that she hadn't bit through it at all, she'd effectively bit the inside of her lip and knocked the outside on the table. Two different cuts. Nobody had even checked.

The part that I'm struggling with is that a few months ago, one of my sons (then 3) was in agony with stomach pains. His stomach was distended, hard and he was running a high temperature. Sobbing and screaming constantly. I wanted to take him to A&E then, but my boyfriend insisted that I was being irrational and A&E was only for emergencies. We fought for a while and I finally settled on phoning the doctor's and begging to be seen so that my BF didn't storm off in a mood that I hadn't listened to his gospel medical advice.

Yet he didn't say a single word to his ex when it was his daughter.

Not one word, in four hours, of sitting there with a child who had effectively got a fat lip.

That he can hold such obvious double standards is really making me question everything.

It's really eating me up, I haven't brought it up with him because I'm not sure how to address it in an effective way that doesn't just seem like an attack. But ignoring it isn't working because I'm finding myself fighting disgust when I look at him.

If anybody has an advice that can help me get past this, or see it differently, I would be eternally grateful.

I don't think you even need to think about double standards. Just concentrating on his behaviour when your son was ill. He didn't support you when you were scared. And it's fine that people will disagree, and who knows perhaps he was even right - you don't say. BUT - you weren't able to stand up to him and just go to A&E. That's a problem.
In a good relationship, he'd be able to express that you were worrying to much, but then go with you to A&E anyway - and if he was right and your son was fine, he should give you a hug and say it's scary being a parent.
If you can't do what you want to for your children, I'd really question his place in your life. The other girl and her lip is a red herring.

What was your son diagnosed with ?

In fairness, from your post it does say that he was informed over the phone that she was hurt badly and you didn't know what was wrong until you got there. So naturally when someone here's the words "hurt badly" he's going to rush to the hospital to make sure she's ok. He obviously then wanted to be fully informed with what's going on.

However, the crux is how dismissive he seems to be in regards with your own DC when they need hospital treatment. No matter what is wrong, it's always better to go and get it checked out to be on the safe side. He should have supported you in this. If it's eating you up so much - you need to have a chat with him. Otherwise it's going to fester up and your going to start holding resentment.

Was that a one off instance where he's been dismissive of your son or have there been more?

My son had water retention, luckily it wasn't anything very serious else I'm not sure I would have forgiven myself enough to stay with him and ignore what I felt was best.

As for how dismissive he is, he's not the most emotionally available of people. With my kids or his own. He loves them all but he's very detached in his mannerisms. He's more the 'observe from afar' type than 'hands on'. Luckily I'm very hands on with all out kids so it usually balances out pretty well in family life.

I don't think I expressed what I was struggling with the most, it's not that we went to the hospital, nor that we waiting because I wouldn't have let him leave even if he wanted to. If a child is in the hospital then parents should be there, justified visit or not. And obviously we had no idea how serious it was originally.

What bothers me is that had I have phoned him in exactly the same circumstance, with his daughter (or one of my sons) he would have walked in, looked at her and said 'we don't need to be here, this is a waste of time' but because it was his ex he didn't say a single word. I would have been 'overreacting' and 'irrational' yet in four hours with her he didn't even broach the subject that perhaps she didn't need to be in a&e.

I agree with cabrinha and feeling

I suggest you need to have a serious heart to heart with him, express your well founded concerns about the clear difference in his dismissive reaction to your DSs health scare compared to that of his DD. He should have done more to support you and your DS.

Observe his reaction when you have been open with him, decide if he is receptive or not and also if he makes any signs of being prepared to meet you half way in terms of allaying your concerns in the future. Then take it from there.

If it feels like you are hitting a brick wall, then definitely seriously consider your future.

The "arm's-length" style you mention does not bode well, I have to say.

Maybe he did feel that the ex was overreacting but didn't feel he could say anything to her? Or perhaps he was genuinely worried for his DD. What to you was just a fat lip was probably more traumatic for him and his ex as it was their DD. You do need to talk to him about it though.
My DS was in A&E before Xmas. DP was a bit detached about the whole thing - he drove us there but didn't stay and although he was concerned, had it been one of his own dc he would have stayed and made a huge fuss of them and we wouldn't have heard the end of it!
I was a bit peeved for a while but then I thought how I would have felt had it been his dc and to be honest I think I would have been the same. When its not your own child you do react differently.

Is your boyfriend a medical expert?

No? Then he should have been happy for you to seek medical attention, and if NHS direct for example said go to A and E he should have taken you there.

And stayed.

It is different with your own kids, my DSD has weak ankles and the number of times she's insisted she's broken them only for it to be a mild sprain.....

And this girl was his daughter? Not just the daughter of his ex?

You need to talk to him.