Situation with ExW

[croquet]

Hi.

Me and DH have been married 3 years, with a 2 year old son. He and ExW split up 4 years before I met him, and they have two children now teens. She precipitated the break-up and has had subsequent serious partners. She lives quite a long way away.

We lead a happy life but his ExW makes things as difficult as possible, largely it seems due to the fact that she's not happy with her lot. She doesn't work and makes access very difficult, affecting the children's thoughts about DH (and our family). DH pays over his share for their children's maintenance and sees them as often as possible but still she is very bitter. It is true she is worse off -- we both work and we do have a higher standard of life. But what can be done about this? She was never a SAHM and s-kids were in nursery from very young.

It is uncomfortable undoubtedly that the children now move between two households that are very different -- we have completely different priorities/customs/habits/work ethic. I guess I'm asking what happens in these situations where the ExW is (unreasonably) bitter, and telling the children lots of bad things?

TIA

What happens?

Well, in our case, DHs DCs are so scared of their Mum withdrawing her love as punishment for spending time in a household that she openly disapproves of (ours) that they regularly withdraw from DH and have no contact for weeks/months; alternating with bringing their mistakes to our door when they need bailing out and don't want their Mum to find out - we've had most of the blue light services here over the last 6 months.

But, I accept that ours is an extreme situation - it's not always quite so dramatic; never easy though!

Do you think you will finally be free of it when they are over 18?

I think his dc can probably already see through it? Presumably they have mobile phones and email accounts so you can keep in touch with them regularly without her involvement?

Sort of -- though she has form for hijacking those modes of communication. She is pretty bad!

No. They will be trapped in a controlling, EA relationship with their Mum that so many posters describe here on the Stately Homes thread.

Unless they are prepared to stand up for themselves, and risk being cut off by their Mum completely, I anticipate history repeating itself (DHs ex is estranged from her father and stepmum).

DHs ex has many characteristics consistent with Borderline Personality Disorder; I have found it helpful to read up about this.

Well as long as you are not bitching or being negative about anyone I wouldn't worry about that. Just ask them about their lives, take an interest, tell them that you're looking forward to seeing them, fill them in on your news when appropriate.

good idea random mess. And thanks frog - but she would never take them on any fun day trip to a stately home!

she has form for hijacking those modes of communication

Yes; insisting on the DCs passwords, PIN numbers and so forth is standard behaviour for DHs ex - refusal leads to rage, violence, threats to withhold love/support etc.
My DHs DD is currently complying with all her Mums demands as any transgression is countered with the threat of withdrawing her from her College Course (which she sees as her only 'escape').

that sounds very similar frog

I can see from her perspective, she is annoyed as she is not well off and has the kids majority of the time (I would like to have my kids majority of the time) and they are getting naughtier/flourishing less and less... but don't really think there's anything she can do. Maybe she'll eventually move on?

sorry - don't really think there's anything we can do, that should have said.

So if you offer to have them for the holidays she resents that too, or is she just worried about a drop in maintenance payments do you think?

she likes it but then messes around at the last moment. Then when they come they are negative/weird because she's told them bad things about us.

How often do you see them? How does she affect things? Different standards and income doesn't necessarily mean problems - it's more how the people within those households behave.

About once a month -- but v. tricky about arrangements (refuses to go along with regular dates), will not co-operate and huffy/spiteful in front of kids. They're then v. tense when here, and pessimistic.

Maybe she'll eventually move on?

I think this a false hope.

I've accepted that if I want to share my life with DH, then his ex and her abuse of their DCs will always be a factor.

If its not resentment of our lifestyle, it's judgement about our values, or some other reason to slate us to her DCs and anyone else who will listen. The bottom line is that she resents DH being happy - and enjoys playing the victim.

The only thing that worked with DH's ex was a court order. It took us a long time to get it, and it was really hard going - ex tried every trick in the book - but in the end, the courts got wise and she was told in no uncertain terms that if she breached the final order residence of DSS would be transferred to us. She still puts massive pressure on DSS to breach the order, but doesn't dare actually prevent him coming with us (although as you describe, she prevents any other communication at all). DSS has inherited some of his Dad's tenacity, so up to now (he's only 11) has held out against all the emotional blackmail.

How old are the DC's? Do you think, if they were interviewed alone by Cafcass they would feel able to say they want to see Dad?

I was only talking about this to DH last week. I asked him if he thought things would be easier when his DC reach the age of 18. He can't see it getting any better as his ex just loves the idea of being in control and will use any means possible to get it. Even if it means hurting her own children in the process.

It's positive though that they can tell you all about the things that she says about you and have an awareness that the difficulties in your relationship with them is entirely their mothers fault. That must be very difficult information to share with you. From what you say, they are very specific about what she says ?

It's positive though that they can tell you all about the things that she says about you

In my DHs DCs case, what they have disclosed to us is the tip of the iceberg.
Both DCs have expressed the feelings of betrayal they feel when it gets too much and they do confide in us; the older has admitted she's only told us a little and "we don't know the half of it" and the younger is resisting external support as he doesn't want to tell tales about Mum.

I can't imagine anything worse for a DC than knowing that your mums behaviour towards you is cause for concern to other adults. It must be terrifying if they have no confidence in their mums ability to do the right thing.