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Original poster

AIBU about Christmas presents?

10 replies

chocoholic21 · 04/01/2014 08:33

DD (3) got one of those play mats with cars for Christmas. She is at her dad's this weekend. DSS (5) is due here today for the weekend. DD hasn't yet played with the mat as she was with her Dad for Christmas so didn't open presents until new year and then we were visiting family etc and then went back to her dads. Last night, I moved the play mat and a few other presents DD got into the garage. DP asked why I was putting them in the garage and I said that I was going to sort out the playroom this weekend to make space for all the new things and would put them in once it was tidy as there isn't enough space until I've moved some stuff out and this is easier when DD isn't here as she wants to keep everything! DP then got really cross saying that I was moving them so DSS couldn't play with them. I explained why I was putting them in the garage again but said that I wouldn't have let DSS play with them anyway as DD hasn't played with them yet. DSS is not very good at sharing. He takes all his things back to his mums so has nothing to play with here and then brings one thing with him each time. He won't let DD touch it and DP never makes him but expects DD to share all her things.

So AIBU to have put them away? I do encourage DD to share but am beginning to feel that I am being unfair on her making her share all her things when DSS doesn't reciprocate.

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Ledkr · 04/01/2014 08:38

Well it does seem a it mean and I can understand why your dp is cross, however if its not been opened yet I can see that's for dd to do.
You say there was other stuff though, has he anything to play with.
They both need to learn to share really as they will see a lot of each other.
My nearly 3 yr old is rubbish but we are working on it.

Original poster
chocoholic21 · 04/01/2014 08:44

There is a play room full of her toys which he usually plays with as does she. The other boys were the packs of vehicles to go with the mat and a Minnie Mouse craft kit which I don't think he would be interested in. They are all still in their packs and unopened and I think that it is very unfair for him to do it when she is not here.

If DD was here this weekend then I would let her open it and them both play with it but not him open it without her.

He doesn't keep any toys here as he doesn't like DD playing with them so usually brings one thing and then uses her stuff which makes it even more unfair that DP expects him to use DD's new stuff when she isn't here yet DSS doesn't have to share.

I've broached the sharing issue with DP before and he says that they shouldn't have to share if they don't want to......not that I agree or feel DD has a choice!

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 04/01/2014 08:47

Yanbu. If DSS won't share why should he get to play with your DDs new things. You've put them out of sight so not like you are taunting him with them.

Your DP needs to start making DSS share otherwise it will cause resentment,do I hear some Disney parenting?

Beccawoo · 04/01/2014 08:47

Not u at all. I had this same argument with my DP over Xmas and posted on here about it and got lots of support. In my situation, I had put away my Dcs new toys - opened on Xmas morning, then they went off to their dad's till 27th and we had my dss arrive Xmas afternoon. DP said I was being unfair not letting him play with my dcs new toys while they weren't there. I said that likewise my dcs would not touch dss new things until they are all here together and can show each other what they got for Xmas - then everything can remain free for all in the playroom. It is not unreasonable at all, I wouldn't want someone else opening and playing with my new things when I wasnt there and before I'd had the chance!

Can your dd put certain special things she doesn't want to share in her bedroom and then toys in the playroom are free for all? And perhaps your DP needs to put his for down about more toys staying at yours rather than going to dss mum's house. My dss toys from Christmas and birthday from dp and me always stay with us. And presents my dcs get from their dad stay with him, I'd hate it if they showed up with lots of new things I had to find homes for at Christmas!

Norudeshitrequired · 04/01/2014 08:52

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. They are your dd's new things and she should be the first person to play with them. I suggest that you DP goes to a toy shop and buys some toys that are for both children to share and that he doesn't let his son take them home, that way there will always be toys for them both to use and share.
I think it's important that children have some toys that are just their own and lots of toys which are shared. After all, as adults we have lots of personal possessions that are for our own sole use as well as lots of family items.

SoupDragon · 04/01/2014 09:02

And perhaps your DP needs to put his for down about more toys staying at yours rather than going to dss mum's house

This is the only thing I disagree with. The DSS should be able to take his toys wherever he wants. Surely it's not DSS's Mum's house, I imagine it is his home. My children do have stuff here and stuff at their fathers (generally things that were given as gifts there) but if they want to transport stuff from one place to another that's fine - it's only "special" stuff that stays at one place or another. I do encourage them to take back stuff they've brought here to ensure they have stuff in both places but I don't make them if they don't want to.

OP, you are not wrong to put away things your DD has not had time to play with yet. It would be hugely unfair for your DSS to open them before her and he won't even know they are there so won't miss them.

Blu · 04/01/2014 09:02

Perfectly reasonable not to let any other child open a new toy that belongs to another. Explain to your DP that that would be the case if DSS was a full sibling resident full time!

But I also think that you and DP need to get him some 5 year old toys that live at your house, rather than expecting him to bring toys from his Mums house andeave them . Just casually stock up on a few and leave them for him rather than giving them as a present that he wants to keep with him and take to his Mum's.

Loveineveryspoonful · 04/01/2014 09:27

Agree with everyone who said to buy toys meant for both children. This really works, even with older kids.
My dss was 9 when first coming to stay and would take every present from dad home, partly so that ds could not play with them (little chance of that happening as ds is few years older...) BUT insisted on playing with all of ds stuff! especially when ds was at his dads. What really annoyed me was that dh tried to bully ds on many occasions into giving him password for his PC, in his room! Eventhough dss has own PC. I'm glad ds never caved.
I may be wrong but I think dc from first families are resentful of any kids sharing their dad, if they're related or not, and taking their toys while refusing to share their own just symbolizes their dilemma.
Dh finally believed me when I said it was wrong to walk all over my ds for the sake of appeasing dss and bought loads of family games instead. Also some to include me Wink ... We've not had the problem since.

WaitMonkey · 04/01/2014 10:13

YANBU, of course unopened gifts should be left for the recipient.

Madethebedx · 06/01/2014 06:14

Actually surprised at first reply! Huh? I'd do the exact same. It infuriates me when dsd is here and she's got a room and attic full of toys yet she feels the need to interfere with DS toys when he's asleep, don't think so!! YANBU! X

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