Where to go from here?

[MsColour]

Also posted in lone parents - sorry long.

Any working relationship with my exh has completely broken down. We split up 3 years ago and since then the relationship has always been difficult. We went through mediation initially and struggled to come to any agreements regarding contact or money. So things went to solicitors and got nowhere so back to mediation. Mediation was horrendous by the end - he was just using it as an excuse to put me down constantly and just got worse when he found out I was seeing someone.

So the beginning of this year he took me to court to try and get 50: 50 joint residence with alternate weeks. When we got to court it was decided that he would keep the same level of contact which was eow and half the holidays, alternate Christmas days plus Wednesday teatime. He has never been great at communicating but things seemed to settle a bit after the court case.

But since September things have been horrendous. After the summer holidays there was confusion over whose weekend it was and we were both at the school gate on a Friday afternoon. I took the children with me and he accused me of breaking the court order and went to the police (who did nothing). He went to his solicitor who wrote a letter and weekends organised and it was suggested that we ensure we sort out the weekends following the holidays when we sort the holiday arrangements. Meanwhile, my partner moved in.

During their half term contact, I tried to phone the children as usual but he would not let me speak to them. He wrote in the contact book on return that this was his contact time with the children and he didn’t want me constantly interfering - I don’t see how a 5 minute phone call every other day is interfering? He returned the children early and said he couldn’t have them on a non-pupil day he was meant to be having them.

My ex has refused to communicate with me over anything. He has blanked my texts e.g. I couldn’t make dds carol concert at school and asked if he would be there for her otherwise I would ask a member of my family to go so she would have someone there - he didn’t reply (and wasn’t at the concert). He also hasn't passed on messages from school e.g. when my dd wet herself (she is 7 so this was an issue)

Christmas arrangements got difficult. We’d agreed the dates back in September as per the court order and when I tried to clarify the dates with him he didn’t reply but went to his solicitor. It was his Christmas this year and I asked if I could have the children back at 6pm Christmas day - fully expecting him to say no. He tried to tell me that the court order stated that he should have them Boxing Day as well (bad wording unfortunately) and the day after. When I tried to reason with him all I got back from him was “You can’t defy the court order”. In the end it all had to be sorted out by solicitors and I did get them back Boxing Day.

Back in September he told me through the contact book that he wanted to take them to Northern Ireland over the Christmas holiday to see his family. It has not been usual to take them over during Christmas and when we were together his mother discouraged us from doing so. I told him I didn’t think it was a great idea as ds would be very tired after his first term at school and the weather can be dodgy for travelling this time of the year but it was obviously his decision. Since then I have asked him repeatedly whether or not he was taking the children. He refused to tell me and when I said I wanted to know before dropping the children off I got accused of blackmail. I couldn’t get an answer out of him and only found out that they had gone by phoning his sister.

I don’t know where to go from here. We need to continue to sort dates etc. for holidays but it has become impossible. He won’t communicate, if I make any suggestions he accuses me of being unreasonable and runs to his solicitor. Every time they go to him I can't speak to my children and don't know whether they are staying in the country. I don’t know how I can co-parent with this man for the next 14 years. I cannot afford to keep going back to my solicitor every time he is unreasonable.

Any suggestions on how to move on from this?

You might have to accept that co-parenting isn't possible right now; it took five years before I achieved it with my ex.
In the meantime, the parallel parenting model is a good compromise, and something he may be prepared to accept ( you might have to propose it via his solicitor)

But don't give up hope - even the most hostile of parenting arrangements can mellow with time.

Frogstar put it much better than me as my initial response on reading the op was what an asshole you have to deal with.

Hi MsColour,
frog is absolutely right, the parallel parenting model can offer a real solution where everything else fails. By all accounts, when Courts, soicitors, mediators talk about the need for "cooperation and doing things in the best interests of the children", yup sure thing, that is the gold standard, but living in the real world as we do, they invariably fail to recognise and allow for the "asshole factor" (this is non-gender specific, both are capable of it!!)

It requires complete adherence to the care pattern, detaching emotionally, not interfering in the other parent's style of parenting, in fact a complete separation, including transfers between households happening via things like school transport, so that transfer days are on days like a Monday, when, after enjoying a weekend at their home of one parent, the child/ren go to school from that household on that bus route, but then return to the other parent via the other bus route. Those sort of creative solutions are very workable, especially when the school bus driver and teachers are aware of the arrangement, IME they are extremely supportive and helpful.

This has been the story of our/our DSSs life for the past 4 years, despite massive (but now diminished) hoo-haa from my DPs ex, mainly because it completely removed any possibility of shanigans. Also, it has now become increasing "obvious" to our DSS who is "playing games" or trying to disrupt the pattern (say not more!!). A diary with the year's predictable care pattern written on a weekly basis is great because it is captured in black and white, so stopping any messing around.

All in all it has transformed our lived, calmed down a very heated and acrimonious care regime, which felt like hitting on a raw nerve every single week. It is something I can thoroughly recommend as a pragmatic and worthwhile option to explore.

Even if some things are a little too early just yet, if your DCs are too young, why not start to set about making a plan, as if nothing else, it will be a morale booster for you to be doing something, as it sounds so frustrating and stressful for you. Believe me, those little ones soon build their maturity, its amazing how they adapt and actually thrive without the infighting, before you know it, they will be driving their own care.

The big lesson for me is that children have an innate sense of fair play and abiding by the rules, so that they call their parents when they try to break the rules. Then it is fair all round!

frog it took us about 4 years to get it sorted out such was the acrimony and motivation to keep up the disruptions, just to "get back" at my DP, so I feel your pain in having to take 5 years, its hard isnt it.

Poor kids, sounds like an awful situation for them to be stuck in. They will be finding it a constant stress.

I can understand why you are so frustrated and think communication needs to be better from him, and perhaps from you.

I don't understand why you are so bothered about his taking them to Northern Ireland during his contact time. Would you accept it if he told you what to do during his time?

Thank you for the input. I am reading up on parallel parenting and think it may be a way forward and kind of a formalisation of what is happening a lot of the time anyway. I don't try to phone when he has their weekends with him or try to influence what he does with them. We both take them to swimming lessons (which I pay for) but that is the only thing we have agreed on. I stayed away from my best friends daughters birthday party because it was his weekend and he was taking them. I only try to phone the children when they have longer periods of contact.

He never phones the children which I think is sad for them. Sometimes ds will ask me to tell his dad something he has done e.g. jumping into the swimming pool which I do - there is never a response.

I am not bothered about him taking them to N Ireland (well I don't like it but just have to get on with it) but we always had an agreement that when he took them he'd let me know when, text me to let me know they had arrived safely and let me speak to them at an agreed time every day.