wwyd - travelling back from contact

[stepmooster]

When the ex moved she said she would meet half way. Then 6 weeks later that was not good enough. We had a NB and a 15 month old and she told us when DSS was with us in a letter she had given DSS to hand to us she would not be driving half way and to stick DSS on a train home, alone.

DSS is 12, and not used to train travel and her plan meant taking a train that serves a london football stadium, and besides the trains weren't even running that day due to engineering works.

So DH found a train that went from a different station but would mean ex making 30 min journey to get him. She did it and ever since then she agreed to meet DSS at a station 30 mins from home and 30 mins from London.

Except this morning, DSS was supposed to be meeting his elder sister on the same train 2 stops out of zone 1. DH saw DSS phone as ex completely refusing to reply to any emails/texts confirming trains etc and wanted to know what's going on.

The sister wasn't meeting DSS and DSS had to go the whole way on his own. She never was going to meet him.

DSS is not a confident traveller he is learning, he wants DH to meet him on platforms and make sure he's on the train ok. DSS was a bit clingy before leaving DH, but it was 0900 and DH had to go to work.

We are being duped. The ex seems to say one thing and do another.

Is it really good idea to stick a 12yo old alone on a train for 1hr or even 30 minutes? DH is not sure, but DSS seems to mutter its fine (although I'm sure he's not really that happy, I did take him once to the station - complete rabbit in headlights). There is no point discussing this with the ex she just does what she wants.

Driving is not possible, its too far with babies.

Are we babying DSS? I have no experience in what they should be able to do on their own.

What do you guys think we ought to be doing?

Dont think 12 is too young ,its not ideal,but suppose its no different from taking a bus ,taxi etc..would it be possible to get him on a quieter time of day?.

I'd put a 12 year old on a train. The best way for him to become a confident traveller is by doing it alone. Make sure he has fully charged mobile, something to read/do and a list of the places the train stops so he knows when it's getting near his stop. Teach him to get up and move to another carriage if he finds himself next to noisy foorball fans, etc

Yes, make sure he's got a fully charged mobile so he can make calls if he needs to. Do you know if he's gone on any journeys alone when in his Mum's care. I'd also send a text or email to his Mum letting her know that he's been taken to the station as she's requested.That way she knows he's on his way. Depending on how long the journey is, I'd be inclined to ring or send a text every so often to check all is ok. If this is his first time doing it alone then he's going to feel nervous. But hopefully after doing this one journey he'll feel more relaxed if he has to do it again.

How far away does he live from you? If it's more the train your worried about - is a train journey the only option apart from a car journey?

Thanks everyone. Train is only alternative. Usually he comes eow fri night to sunday pm, but came for NY. DH meets him from bus stn fri after work (long story DSS still goes to school where they used to live an hour from his home). DSS is either taken by mum or his elder sister (not DH child).

Just over a year ago DH and DSS were on a train and DSS made DH take him to the loo. He had a panic attack/meltdown because dH got the handle stuck and they couldn't get out for about a minute. This is what worries DH.

DH is constantly reminding him to charge his mobile before we go. DSS can't think to do it himself. DH tells DSS to ask people to move bags so he can sit down but he is too scared to, DH says he is standing in aisles with bags in everyones way when the train leaves.

He doesn't have travel common sense IMO. As we've been doing the same Friday night journey for some time and he still can't remember the tube lines we use.

I dunno we'll just have to stick him on the train all the way I guess and let DSS learn the hard way.

Can your husband not drive then?
My husband does a 10 hour round trip to collect his kids, I don't go with him because I have kids of my own to look after.

We cant afford it and DH is not a very confident motorway driver.

I dont think it would be so bad but the ex blatantly ignores DH concerns. DH is happy to get DSS to learn about trains by doing a 30 min journey or having his sister meet him. The ex says yes but goes against this, without discussion. DH is a sperm donor with a wallet, he is an object of ridicule in his ex's'home.

DSS has been told to lie to his dad, who thought a 16 yo travel companion is meeting him, when in fact he was travelling alone.

DSS treats his dad like he is stupid. He doesnt take onboard anything he says and of course if your mum is telling you to ignore your dad it doesnt help.

I think DSS will learn the hard way.

If your DSS is anxious/worried about the journey, even if he's done it already, would it maybe help if your DH accompanied him a couple of times to help give him some reassurance? Maybe just having someone there a couple of times to help him get familiar with the route, develop a routine, learn where he can go/what he can do if he feels frightened, might help boost his confidence. Your DH might also try boosting his own confidence driving on motorways in case that's an alternative he needs to use on occasion. Seems odd to not try that when expecting your DSS to have confidence himself in travelling by train.

DH does not like motorway driving when tired, he says he finds himself nodding off and having poor concentration. He was also involved in a RTA on a motorway slip road - not his fault, but makes him hyper vigilant. He's fine doing an hour or 2 but not the 5 hour journey this would take.

If we did that eow it would cost a fortune and DH would expect his ex to help cover costs. The ex gets more than csa as it is. Plus DSS pocket money and phone are all DH expenses. But her answer is to stick DSS on a train, because why would you lose income if DSS can be bunged on a train.

DH has got no issue travelling all the way with DSS if that need was communicated in advance, but not 5 mins before train is about to leave and he has to go to work. That's the bit that pisses us off most. No regard for DH opinions or parenting suggestions.

Stepmooster: This is probably a long shot, especially if you have DSS Mum is a difficult one, but could she travel part of the way with him? A family and friends railcard could come in handy for that.

Otherwise, could your DH discuss the pending weekend/holiday travel arrangements a week in advance with her each time so everyone knows where they stand with regards to what is happening. Could you write down on a piece of paper about where DSS has to take his stops? (If he has any)

It shouldn't just be down to your DH to make sure his journey is as smooth as possible for him - it should be down to both parents to prepare him if he's full of anxiety. If the train journey is the only way then when he is with her, Mum also needs to go through the route with him so everyone's on the same page.

Stepmooster, sorry I wasn't clear - I meant occasionally driving DSS when trains are affected by holidays i.e. the journey changes/isn't straightforward as DSS is used to. I understand regular driving is expensive, but maybe doing the drive occasionally when the service is limited might be easier on your DSS.

If the communication, or lack thereof, puts your DH in a difficult position (last minute changes) then maybe he needs to come up with an arrangement that both he & DSS determine together, without factoring in any help/assistance of the ex. Absolutely unfair but if the lack of help/communication/effort on the ex's part is the main irritant here, then the easiest thing is to work around her, and ask for/expect as little from her as is possible.

Re the hyper vigilance when driving - your DH can seek counselling on that. A bit of forward planning for future visits, counselling to help with the M/W driving, and presenting the arrangements as agreed between DH & DSS to the ex, would maybe help take the sting out if things your end.

I found that making my own plans/arrangements without asking for/expecting help from my ex made my life easier as I was no longer angry/frustrated at my ex's efforts to sabotage plans/arrangements. The imbalance on what is fair still applies, but I'm happier not relying on/expecting help from my ex when it comes to arrangements for our DD.

There is absolutely no point in trying to discuss anything with the ex, we have agreed things like when we are having DSS in school holidays etc to find that she has changed her mind last minute. She doesnt tell DH she gets DSS to do the dirty work, he says to DH, "mum says I am coming xxx because of xxx," and then DH has to try and re-negotiate with his ex, last minute but she doesn't respond. We had this with 6 weeks hols last year, I had a thread about it as the last minute dates clashed with my due date.

The only time she will communicate is if she wants something.

Basically DH is a babysitter. When train travel was first sprung on DH, he said no, to DSS travelling all the way on his own. He would be happy for DSS to do 90 mins in DH company on public transport, and then 30 mins DSS on his own, and final 30-40mins with his mum. It was that or we take DSS more in the school holidays when DH could drive the whole way.

The ex wants DSS to come to us EOW, she wants her time off. So she agreed to the 30 mins to collect DSS. but now it seems she doesn't want to do that, and is hoping that DSS could just go all the way home on his own. What she doesn't know is that DH is buying DSS ticket for him, and not DSS doing it himself. So DH knows DSS is not going to met at all. That's why the sister excuse was employed.

DSS will only agree with his mum, she is the boss. There is no point trying to get DSS to think for himself, he has no choice but to do as he is told. DH does regularly say, "what do you want? If you DSS could decide what would it be?" He is meant with silent gaze, clams up and says nothing. This goes for everything btw not just travel arrangements.

You cannot negotiate with someone who doesnt give a shit about your point of view or opinions.

I understand your frustrations with regards to communication. Are we on about the same woman?? [smirk].

It's bloody annoying because you can't plan anything as plans are all up in the air and are expected to drop everything at last minute.

It's a shame your husband can't do the drive. I understand why but my husband has had 2 accidents one which broke his spine but he has to drive for work and to collect his kids. My husbands ex won't even think about dropping off or collecting so it's all down to him.
I suspect the more your step son does the journey the easier it will get but I personally wouldn't let my kids travel on their own until they were 16 short trips on bus fine but long train journeys no way.
If it was me I would book myself onto a pass plus course to get more confident at driving on the motorway. I only started driving over a year ago and I suffer terribly from anxiety but I've done 8 hour round trips on my own and survived.
Hopefully you get this sorted out op. Your husbands ex sounds as charming as my husbands ex

We cannot afford it at the moment. I am on maternity leave and surviving on his salary alone.

Every penny counts, we use every voucher going, heating is reduced, fuel is so expensive and wear and tear on car. It all adds up.