DD calling girlfriend mummy ! Am I unreasonable ?

[anon2009]

Hi, all,
Wishing you all the best for 2014 !
I am new to this, so pls bear with me.
I have a 6 yo DD who lives with her father and me, almost equally.
DD came back from 2 weeks of Christmas vacation and started calling my ex-husband's girlfriend as "mama". Prior to the vacation she used to call the girlfriend by her name.
I walked out of the marriage, we went to court, and my ex-husband still has anger over the situation.
How should I handle this situation :
Should I raise it with the ex-husband and tell him that if I have a partner in the future, DD will be calling him Daddy or Dada ?
Should I tell my daughter why she is calling the girlfriend mummy and she has only one mum ?
Or should I not do anything ?
What annoys me the most is the way she was brainwashed into calling her mama (ie just during the vacation) !!
I do not really want to invovle DD as she already has to adjust to two houses, etc
But how should I handle this ?

Reading this had my stomach all in knots...I like ATP55 suggestion about gentle reinforcement. Just correct DD whenever the usage crops is. Literally train her out of it. It really shouldn't take that long. Maybe look at some behavioural technique references as I guess it falls under deconditioning.

I would not not be happy were DD to fall into this habit but thankfully she is a bit older so the conditioning would not stick. They are so suggestible when that little
bit younger...Hope you manage to nip this in the bud OP for who kmows how many gf are to come.

I think if your D is scared, then just let it go.

Stop stop stop. Let the kid do what she wants. She's not stupid, she knows who her mum is. She's probably testing you to see if it's okay for her to get close to her stepmum. You don't want to let her know she should be ashamed of her relationship with her stepmum.

It is hurtful (I've been there) but you are the adult here and you have to let your dd find her own way. She won't call her stepmum that when shes older, I guarantee it.

I just read a little more... So your daughter feels coerced and pressurised and scared... You want to add to that?

kingrollo that's helpful...

King? Really?

Good lord, sometimes I wonder how contact ever goes ahead with the advice given on MN! Stop contact because of "mama"?! How ridiculous. How exactly would you explain to your child that they couldn't see daddy anymore? My exH does plenty of things I can't stand, including things I've reported to social services and CAMHS (they weren't interested enough to take action) They still have 50:50 contact with him because he's their DAD! I would never, ever come between them.

You don't know she's been brainwashed. Even if she's saying she's scared she might be saying that because she likes calling the step mum mama but needs an excuse for you to accept it! My children have always known their stepmum by my exHs pet name for her! Not pleasant to have around the house, I can tell you, but that's MY issue, not the kids issue.

Tell her she only has one real mummy, and now she has a step-mummy too and what she calls the step mum is up to her - name, mama name or mama. It's her decision, not yours, no matter how painful.

Thanks for all your responses ! I agree that stopping contact is drastic ! We have joint custody & I certainly do not want to go to court over this.

I spoke to DD today while I was putting her to bed. She said that while on vacation her father told her that now she has two mums. & I explained to gently that she has bolt one mum ie me. DD said I need to call g/friend mama because daddy says so.
Communication with ex hubby is like going against a brick wall. Other than reminding my DD about who is who (which also puts her in conflict & I do not want her to have discomfort) do I just drop me.

Of course for me personally it's hard to bear. Especially if DD is saying her father wants her to say it. Thanks for your support ladies.

Any other suggestions would be greatly welcome.

Your ex sounds like an arse! I think talking to dd and reaffirming that you are her only mummy is what I would do. I'm a SM and would feel very uncomfortable if my dsc called me mummy, I would correct them in a nice way that they have a mummy. I wonder what the GF feels about it (as it's your ex pushing for this).

DD said I need to call g/friend mama because daddy says so.

But what does your DD want to call her? It's not about what her dad wants - it's about what your DD wants and feels comfortable with. If she doesn't feel comfortable with it then I'd send an email explaining to your ex in a polite but direct way.

No child should feel forced. Again as others have said, if she feels too frightened to speak up to her dad then you need to explore why she feels this way.

I think, and I'll probably get flamed for this, but if dd is uncomfortable calling sm 'mamma' should should explain to her df how she feels, with your support OP. Or do posters think dd's too young, I know its probably a biggie for some 6yos but if the df is reasonable he will listen surely?

I thought it would be lovely if my dc's called my long term partner 'pop', as in not 'daddy', the dc's and dp didn't agree so that was the end of that and I felt very stupid for even thinking it.

I agree need. I certainly wouldn't like it. But what I'm trying to say is that it's all about what dad wants. What about what his DD wants? She should be able to call her something she feels comfortable with - not what suits her dad.

A few things IMO need to be taken in to account: How long they've been together, how long she's been in DD's life. Does he have a history of chopping and changing girlfriends?

Btw I'm well aware my post seems a bit like I should be taking my own advice when it comes to frightened children to when my own DSC are in their own predicament with regards to being afraid to upset their own Mum too!

OP - your DD has said she is scared of her father and so does what he tell her.

What is she scared of? That he'll hurt her in some way if she doesn't do as she is told? That he'll withdraw his love? Or of hurting his feelings?

Surely you need reassurance before you can confidently place your DD in his care again?

Hi Anon

A sort of shared experience which hopefully helps: The mother of my brother's kids is seriously mentally ill (publicly threatened to harm the children, v verbally vicious to my brother etc). Kids are 6 and 3 and when they were 3 and 1 she got a new BF, David. She TOLD the kids to start calling him dad, even though my brother has weekly contact and they were calling him dad. She told my brother to his face what she was doing.

You can imagine them getting used to saying dad (for my brother) then David (v similar sounding), then dad to him too?! Anyway - my brother was having none of it and was extremely firm with the kids about who they call dad. I must admit I was a bit worried about their mum's shenanigans - she has many. But I was pleasantly surprised that probably within a month it blew over and hasn't happened since.

So I'm glad that you've since had a chat with your daughter to set things straight - keep doing so. If your ex's GF is going along with your ex, either the relationship won't last long (coercive parenting not attractive) or she's barmy too. Hopefully it's neither position and she'll soon see that it's not in the interests of her, your ex or - most importantly - your daughter to continue this nonsense.

I wouldn't threaten to tell your ex that you will do the same if you have a partner, but I would point out to him that you wouldn't dream of doing the same.

Hmm. My DD doesn't call DStep 'Mum' she uses her first name. However both DStep and I refer to DD as 'our daughter' in front of her and have done since she was five.
So my DD does have 'two mums' but I am happy with that as DStep has fulfilled the mum role perfectly as I am the NRP.
I have a great relationship with DD but if DStep wasn't so lovely I would be up in arms about the 'two mums' thing
For us, it's a positive as DD has 4 people who love her.

I hope you can work it out. You sound much more adult than your Ex

Whatever you decide to do, don't involve your dd. let her call her stepmother whatever she wants to, or whatever makes her life easier when she is staying with her dad. She will be tense and unhappy if she is trying to please both parents if she knows it is impossible however hard she tries. She knows you are her mummy, nothing will ever change that. You are the grown up- don't make you 6 year old do "grown up work" by standing up to her father and stepmother over this. Email your ex saying that you would prefer her not to call her stepmother mama- but don't let your dd see it bothers you at all.

Hi OP,

I know you've had lots of good advice already...but I thought I'd add my personal experience.

My lovely DSC all call me by my name. I think I'd have an issue being called mum by any of them. I just feel that I'm not their mum in any way and I don't want to try to be. They have their mummy...there's only one of her, like their daddy. Both their DM and DD are doing a great job, despite splitting. I will admit they sometimes call me mummy, grandma and even grandad or their aunt when they first arrive for their stays with us...but that's quite obviously an accident. Their dad gets called "mummy" for at least a few days too.

If I'm honest, I find it shocking that anyone else except a DM, or BM, adoptive or fostering mum should have the title "mum".

Hope you manage to resolve this and I really feel for you.

PC x

I agree with curlew. And will add to keep reassuring your dd that you love her and that won't change if she continues to call the step 'mama'. That you don't feel she is being 'disloyal'. Ask her if she wants or minds you emailing your ex about the issue. It may be enough for her that she can 'unload' on you. Remind her that she may be calling her Step 'mama with her lips, but that you both know that she calls you 'mama' with her whole heart>

Creepy as this is, it's ultimately just words and the key thing is that your daughter feels supported when she's with you.

My DSSs call me by a private nickname but don't correct people who refer to me as their mum (eg. people in shops) and often call me Mummy in front of baby DS (for reasons that I think are obvious). Bottom line, they have a mum, they know who she is. Nothing could ever change that. IMO trying to force a label indicates how little relationship there is.

I love acrossthepond's last sentence.. Will have to remember that

Ladies thank you so much for your support . That is so big itself.

I spoke to DD & she said she knows that I'm her mummy. She also said that she will call Step mum mama in front of her dad. My baby is so mature. I feel like of course emailing the ex & giving him a piece of my mind. But it's banging my head on a brick wall. He will only comply to a court order or whatever suits him. Best for DD is if I leave it alone. She's got enough to cope with. But ladies I feel so horrible. How do I cope!!

Just be very proud of your daughter. In years to come she'll be so impressed with you for not making it worse for her. She'll realise how hurt you must have been and love you all the more for putting her first.

Your ex is a right wanker.