DD calling girlfriend mummy ! Am I unreasonable ?

[anon2009]

Hi, all,
Wishing you all the best for 2014 !
I am new to this, so pls bear with me.
I have a 6 yo DD who lives with her father and me, almost equally.
DD came back from 2 weeks of Christmas vacation and started calling my ex-husband's girlfriend as "mama". Prior to the vacation she used to call the girlfriend by her name.
I walked out of the marriage, we went to court, and my ex-husband still has anger over the situation.
How should I handle this situation :
Should I raise it with the ex-husband and tell him that if I have a partner in the future, DD will be calling him Daddy or Dada ?
Should I tell my daughter why she is calling the girlfriend mummy and she has only one mum ?
Or should I not do anything ?
What annoys me the most is the way she was brainwashed into calling her mama (ie just during the vacation) !!
I do not really want to invovle DD as she already has to adjust to two houses, etc
But how should I handle this ?

I'm a stepmum, and no your DD should not be calling GF Mama. I've had it a couple of times when the DSC were much younger and just corrected them gently and moved on. (I think it was more a slip like when kids call teachers "mum", but it's best to get thing straight).

I'd talk to your DD and XH and just get it resolved, I can't believe that she's comfortable with it either.

Grr
She's not her mum, you are
I don't like it to be honest
If dd lived with them full time and hadn't been obviously encouraged to do this then fine (maybe)
I went through a one weekend stage when I was about five when I asked sm if I could call her mum2 or mum 'name' quickly dropped the idea though and she was back to normal name next time we went.
If you don't like it, don't stand for it.

Mind you I have been called by a favourite teachers name and vice versa so if its a minor slip like that I wouldn't have a paddy about it but I wouldn't like my dc to call someone else mum.

Are you sure it isn't a DD slip of the tongue (like calling a teacher mum for example)?
If she is definately calling her "mama" all the time, I would be uncomfortable about it. She has one mum and one dad. If your DD is to call her dad's gf (or any future partner you might have) they should be unambiguous (ie don't sound like they are mum or dad) and discussed with the other parent first IMO.

It would break my heart if my daughter called anyone mum other than myself. I think that one you need to speak to your ex and it has to stop.

Im close to another step family and even though the children have regular contact with their dad I keep hearing the mum tell the children to go to their daddy (step dad) and I just seems so wrong to me.

If DH and I ever split up I wouldn't want my children calling anyone else Mummy - it's not right. I'd be definitely having a word if that was the case. Fair enough he's moved on and has a girlfriend who will be involved in your DD's life but being told to call girlfriend Mummy is too much.

I'd never want my DSC to call me Mum because I'm not. I'd feel very uncomfortable if they did too. They call me by my name and I'm happy for it to stay that way.

What a horrible situation for your DD to be in over the holidays. She obviously knows who her Mum is so to be told to give someone else that title must have made her very confused and uncomfortable - especially if prior to this she has been calling her by her name.

In your position (and I was- ex dh had a succession of gfs) I just did not care at all. It's about the relationship not the name, and it might be easier to just ignore it?

I think that's awful. I don't really know what the best thing for you to do is, as it shouldn't be encouraged by the gf.

As a stepmum myself, I won't let my dsd call me mum. When she was younger, she used to call me mummy woolly, and I felt really uncomfortable with it, so I asked her not to call me that as she already has a mummy.

Maybe you should talk to your exp about it.

This is all a bit hysterical - brainwashing? Deciding a currently non-existent stepparent will be called Dada in retaliation?

This issue comes up a lot here on MN and the consensus is that a DC should be permitted to refer to stepparents however they feel comfortable - even if that is using the labels normally reserved for biological parents who are responsible for day to day care.

Unless the OP has posted elsewhere that she has evidence that her DD is being coerced into how she refers to her Dads partner, isn't this all assumption and double standards at play again?

It mat be the concensus in the step parenting forum but it certainly isn't on any other board or the forum in general. Perhaps posting in chat would get you a wider range of views.

In my own experience, my children were told once by their father that OW was a new mummy. Once. Just once. He didn't dare again DDs finest moment!
If it's not something that you are happy eith, then you don't have to tolerate it. I also find it creepy and a huge sign of insecurity. If your daughter was a little older then youvsn net your life on the fact that she wouldn't do it, and they wouldn't make her use the term.

I am a mum & step mum and I would be devastated if my kids called another woman 'mummy'. My step kids have called me mum a few times but their mum hated it and so did I because as much as I care for them they are not my kids and it would hurt my kids too if they heard their step siblings call me mum.
You can bet your arse if you had a partner who your daughter called dada then your ex partner would hit the roof.

ladies, thank you so much for your responses.
to FrogStarandRoses - DD used to call the g/friend by her name - say her name is X. She used to call her X. But during the vacation she was trained or forced to call her mama. Every each my daughter used to call out for X, ex-husband, his parents and g/friend used to tell her - there is no X anymore, it's mama. So is that not brainwashing ?
Ex-husband is not approachable at all. There is no contact except by email. Pls can you advise what is best way to deal with this without invovling my child as it is really bothering me.
Thank you.

during the vacation she was trained or forced to call her mama. Every each my daughter used to call out for X, ex-husband, his parents and g/friend used to tell her - there is no X anymore, it's mama. So is that not brainwashing ?

Unless you witnessed this yourself, how can you possibly know this?

If you feel strongly about your DD calling her Dads g/f Mama, that is one issue - it's another entirely to accuse your exs G/f of brainwashing your DD and threatening to get even with your ex by saying your DD will call any future partners you may have Dada; the latter is particularly nasty and certainly not related to what is best for the child.

thanks FrogStarandRoses.
As I said I do not want to invovle my child, but what do you suggest I do ? or nothing at all ?

It depends!

My own preference is for the person who is being mis-labelled to gently correct the DC - but if you know that your DC is being brainwashed then anything you do will only create more emotional conflict for your DD.

Yes, its true, better to correct the mislabelling, but DD says due to being scared she will still call the girlfriend mama. How do I empower my 6 year old to be aware of what is going on without make her into conflict ? Any guidance would be highly appreciated.

Could you contact the GF rather than your XH? Do you know her at all? She may be perfectly reasonable.

Why would you allow contact to continue if your DD has said she's scared whilst with her Dad?

I suggest you seek some play therapy/support for your DD while you insist on supervised contact until you can be assured that your DD isn't in fear during contact.

My DHs DS has recently said something similar to his Mum about contact with DH - she has applied to court to prevent all contact and I agree with her.

The issues creating your DDs fear need to be investigated and explained - and she needs to be protected until they are.

What she calls her Dads g/f is the least of the issues right now!

Agree ^^ child should not be frightened to tell a parent or anyone else anything, it's not the same situation I know but what if a child feels frightened or unable to say 'no, I don't like this' it leaves them open to abuse of other types. You can bring them up to stand their ground without being rude.
I may get flamed for this but I would be telling ds (5) that he has one mummy and that's me. If he wants to call someone else mummy 'name' I may not like it but if its his choice, I'll let it pass me by. If he doesn't like it then I'll back him all the way and if that means pulling contact, speaking to someone I'm not particularly keen on, or whatever, I'll do it. Kids like to know you have their back no matter what.
He would be told to gently refuse to call ow mum and keep callin her by her real name and if they don't like it they can deal with me.

It's an awful situation if they are influencing your dd against her wishes. But don't fall into the fire with fire trap. If you get a new bf and insist dd calls him dada you will only reinforce the validity of what they have just done.

Posted too soon
The only time my kids will call another woman mummy that's not over my still twitching corpse is if they were adopted, I was not there (totally absent) or dead.
When some other woman squeezes something the size of a melon out of her fanjo, and sits up night after night with my squawking baby then she can take my hard earned mum badge - till then it ain't happening

Then if email is the only contact, I would email XH and politely request that he NOT encourage your DD to call the GF 'mum' as you feel it is disrespectful to you as her mother. No threats, don't allow escalation if he responds rudely. Just reiterate your position.

DD, imho, is too young at 6 to understand the situation and your feelings, and shouldn't be put between you and the X. I would just calmly say 'Oh, you mean (gf's name), don't you?' when she refers to gf as mum. If she says 'mum and I did such and such' I would just say 'no dear, you and I didn't do that, you and (gf's name) did.' Just gently correcting DD as if she has made a minor error in 'remembering' gf's name while reinforcing that you are her mum should do the trick. If she specifically ASKS you, then I would explain lovingly that she has ONE mum, and that it's you. And that she's such a wonderful little girl that you understand why XXX would want to be her mum, but that you are the lucky lady that IS her only mum!

X posted & didn't see that DD feels she's being coerced and is afraid of her dad. And that apparently she does not want to call gf 'mum'. My advice still stands, but I would be sure DD understands that YOU understand that she knows you are her only mum and that you don't feel she is disrespecting or hurting your feelings by doing what she 'has' to do to avoid conflict @ her father's house.

Then, if XH doesn't stop the nonsense, I'd take him to mediation (I'm in the US, not sure if this is an option in the UK) and have the custody agreement amended to include no 'mumming' OR 'dadding' by gfs or (future) bfs.

Had a cousin whose X demanded that his OW/later wife be treated by his kids as a mother (although he didn't make them call her mum) with Mother's Day cards etc. His son (now, at 18) refuses to have anything to do with him and DD (now 22) just unloaded on them how she felt about it and has told him that she will contact him when she has dealt with all the baggage he gave her over the years (her words).