From a chilled night to a fraught morning

[WritingBlock]

So we had the DSC here last night. It was a lovely chilled night with munchies and movies and all watching the fireworks go off on TV. But this morning is a totally different matter. They went back to Mum and 10:30am (despite DH asking if we could all have a New Year's roast together and the fact that this is all supposed to be contact ordered). Anyway it's been a fraught morning of hunting for every little bit that they brought with them. DSC1 got a bit of food on themselves last night and I offered to wash it and dry it in time to go back tomorrow as I know how particular they can be. But they started having a meltdown at the very thought of me doing their washing as Mum wouldn't like it (something to do with washing powder).

We have no idea when they'll be back again despite the order as Mum insists that contact is so far in between because she is leaving the DSC come when they want. So as far as she's concerned she's not breaking the order as it's their choice. The DSC have told DH on the phone when he's gone to arrange contact that they don't want to come (things planned). But then when they're here say that they do want to come but feel like it's disloyal to Mum if they do.

I know DH could go to court for an enforcement but he's left it as he's been told by the DSC over the phone. But in reality we're both left wondering how much longer this can continue.

Sorry for the long post but I needed to offload.

Sounds like you're experiencing the same issues as I have with my DHs DCs

I'm so familiar with the "washing powder" issues, the terror of leaving something behind and the assertion that Court Ordered Contact is dependent on the DCs wishes.

DH doesn't agree with that interpretation of the CO but we couldn't have afforded to go to court to enforce it (even the court fees were too much); we assumed we'd just see less and less of the DCs as she continued to breach it.

In my DHs case though, his DCs Mum has actually applied to court to have the Court Order discharged - she hates the fact that DH wouldn't agree to his DS not coming for contact so wants the court to tell DH that is what should happen. DHs repeated refusal to agree with his exW pov was even used as evidence to support her threat that she will apply to have his PR removed (which she says she has been advised she can do, but is actually rubbish).
She's provided a lot of this in writing, and the initial court hearing is next week - I'll let you know how it goes!

Frog,

It's terrible because you feel like your getting somewhere with regards to a relationship with them but because there's such a long period of no contact the first hour or so they're here is awful until they can loosen up and be themselves. The next morning the shield is back up because they're heading back to Mum.

We can't afford to go back to court either - the cost would push us over the edge, especially with other children to also consider. It's bloody annoying because the sole reason DH went through the court was for his access to be more stable and regular - yet as far as we can see it's not made a blind bit of difference.

We're really stuck at what to do. I hope it goes well for your DH. Can I ask if it's affected the relationship between you and him at all?

DH and I have a very strong bond and common values so it hasn't weakened our relationship but it has led to some very hard conversations and issues being considered that would NEVER come up in normal households - such as considering us living apart, and the obvious conflict I have between supporting DH and protecting my DD from the turmoil.

We have seen a change in the DCs mums attitude recently because DH has stopped behaving/asking/acting as if he wants to spend time with his DS. of course he does - but it's not about him, it's about his DS. [Sad]

Contact has always been a way for his ex to control him, but his DS recently made some non-specific allegations about DH, and as a result DH is refusing any unsupervised contact until these are looked into and his son received some psych support. But, DH ex is refusing to allow DS to be referred to CAMHS, and is now more or less demanding that DH follows the Court Ordered contact schedule, even though she has applied for it to be discharged!

As Ive said to her myself, no mother would want their DC to be in the care of someone they are scared of

hopefully, her choice to go to court will bring all the issues out in the open and we can get off the merry-go-round we have been on for the last 3 years.

I completely get where your coming from with the living apart issue. I love DH and I don't want a divorce or anything but I have thought about the impact this is having on our children. They miss their siblings terribly and there's been many a tear when DH has come off the phone and explained they won't be coming. I have been to-ing and froing with weather to limit the contact as such because of upset but I'm conflicted with weather limiting it would upset them more and if it's better for them to have the little relationship they have with them or not at all.

We normally have contact specifically around special occasions (easter, Christmas, birthdays) but anything sent from their siblings is sent straight back. She takes great pleasure in reiterating to the DSC that our children are "only half siblings".

We don't have any shared DCs - which makes it easier when it comes to priorities.

I now have a non-negotiable that my DD will no longer have any contact with DHs DCs. There have been a series of allegations/reasons regarding both DH and myself given by DHs DS as to why he doesn't want contact and its only a matter of time before my DD gets caught up in that. DHs older DD's (16) infrequent presence has brought both police and paramedics to our door in the last 6 months; she's not a good role model for my DD at all! I discussed the situation with DDs Dad and he and I agreed on no contact between DD and DHs DCs - which is quite possible as DD is 50:50. If my DH ever insists on regular contact with his DCs here while DD is here too, then I will move out.

I am quite prepared to consider living separately while maintaining our relationship; but we'd have to give up the current family home because we couldn't afford it. DH has actually explained that to his exW and DS.

His DS's most recent allegation was that the minimal two hours he spent in my company over dinner during the last O/N contact period was "too much" and he only wants to visit if he doesn't see me at all "because we don't really get on". This was news to me as he was relaxed and chatty in my company. None-the-less, if that is what he wants and asks for in Court, then it seems fair for his Dad to explain in advance what that would look like in practice - and contact with just his Dad in the way he has requested would not be in the home he currently has a bedroom, pets, breakfast bowl etc.
Apparently, that's not fair either; poor kid is so confused, he doesn't know what he wants.

How long has your situation been like it is? Has she always been like it or has it been since you've been with your DH?

This situation has been going on years for us - it's ridiculous. For the first year of us being together DH was only allowed contact on his own along with his ex so it seemed more family like for the DC. Then it was another 2 years with myself included and our DC (alternate weekends which in fairness was stuck to.) She eventually let overnights happen in our home but it would be sporadic so DH went in for a contact order - not that it's made a jot of difference. The contact order has been put in place for a good few years and it's in breach more than agreed to.

writing when DH and ex first split his contact with his DCs was dictated by when his ex needed him to have them - she had always worked shifts and she continued as before, just dropping the DCs at his house on the way to work.
It was totally erratic and chaotic for the DCs - sometimes their Mum would turn up a couple of hours after dropping them, saying she'd left work sick so DH didn't need to have them, other times she'd swap shifts at short notice and ring him saying he had to have them/didn't need to have them a few minutes before she turned up.

The New Year after I'd been introduced to them (we weren't living together) there was an almighty row when DHs Ex turned up and took their DCs away before a NYE party we'd planned for all of us together. During the chaos DHs DD screamed at him that he should know her Mums shift pattern and why wasn't it pinned up like their Mum told him to do.

It was a turning point for DH as he realised that his ex (and his DCs) was expecting him to live his life around her shifts even though they were divorced - just as he had in the latter years of their marriage.
He proposed a schedule of contact that accommodated, but wasn't dictated by, his exs shift pattern. She refused, withheld contact, took 6 months sick from work and DH applied to court and was awarded a substantial CO for his DS - with no flexibility for his exW shifts - but his DD was deemed old enough (12) to decide on contact herself. The DCs have been cared for primarily by their maternal grandmother while their mum is working - and her life now revolves around when DHs ex needs her to have the DCs.

Contact between DH and his DCs has never been stable even with the CO - there have been periods of no contact with one or both DCs lasting a few weeks to over 2 years in his DDs case. usually they are precipitated by a disagreement between DH and his ex over something that the DCs are dragged into and are then too upset to see/speak to him.
Me being used as a reason for no-contact is pretty common, too.