is it more insensitive to include or exclude dsc from proposal and engagement party?

[jinglemel]

I am planning on proposing to my dp. We have a child together, I have another daughter and then we have my dsc. We all get along great but the dsc mum has made comments to them in the past about how daddy chose his new family over them - it's not true, his ex actually left with other man but they were too young to be able to remember this and of course we don't say that. I want to have my children involved in the proposal and obviously come to the engagement party. There's no risk he'll say no as I know he's discussed proposing to his brother and looked at engagement rings but I want to surprise him and beat him to it. But I'm unsure what to do about the dsc. On one hand I want them to have equal involvement as my children, particularly as its exciting and there'll be a limo, party etc. And to hear about it afterwards from my children and feel excluded would be horrible.

On the other hand though, is in insensitive to involve them as it cements their dad being with me rather than their mum which she's made a big deal of? They're 7 and 8. I'm really torn. I can imagine them being really excited and loving being included but don't want to be insensitive and upset them.

If you think they will love it then I don't see why you shouldn't involve them.

I think their mum might make them feel guilty and disloyal afterwards for enjoying it though. But then I'm sure if they weren't involved she'd be having a go saying they're upset by that. Either way exW isn't going to be happy but I want dsc to be

You cant win either way it seems. Would the kids feel pushed out if they weren't involved?

Don't worry about exW - you can't win either way with her. Do what will make YOU, your DP and all your children feel like a wonderful family unit - which is what you are

What do you think the children would like (without their mum's input?). If your that worried about the engagement party discuss it with your DP and come to a decision together.

You can only be responsible for your own part in this. You should include them. If their mother then handles it badly that is not your responsibility, nor your place to anticipate.

Either way exW isn't going to be happy but I want dsc to be

This is very unlikely to be achievable. If the DCs mum isn't happy, and expresses that to her DCs, then they will be conflicted and depending on the nature of their relationship with their mum, there may be long term consequences for your family.

I think rather than try and find a solution that works for your DSC, you may have to accept that however you choose to propose/marry, there are likely to be negative consequences for and possibly negative reactions from, your DSC.
Once you've come to terms with that, your decision making will be easier.

Involve them definitely. DP and I got engaged a few months back. DSC (and my DC too) were all really happy about it. Their mum was pretty negative when DP told her but I don't think it's stopped them being excited. They just share their ideas etc for the wedding with us and not with her any more I think. If you worry their mum will fill their heads with ideas about their dad forgetting them for his new family the last thing you want to do is exclude them from an engagement party.
Yes it could bring home to them that their parents aren't ever going to get back together. But that's a reality they need to get their heads round at some point anyway, not something you should try and shield them from.

I would involve them in the engagement party but I might not include them or any of your other DCs in the proposal. I would propose to your DH without the kids present then you can let them know afterwards.

If you already have a kid with your partner then it might not be of any significance to your DSC (or your other DC) that you are getting married.

if it is important enough your kids are there dsc should be there.

You are together. what you are actually reinforcing is that you are important to us too