Why are blended families so hard?! Birthday issues....

[Beccawoo]

Sorry but think this will be a long one.....

Been with DP 1.5 yrs, and moved in together in aug. My DS and my dss are 1 yr apart age wise with close birthdays. We want to do a joint party for them. Issues as follows:

I do not want my XH there. He has ruined DS last 2 parties by insisting he comes - leaving me the hard work and cost, and he just waltzes in. DP does not want him there, he knows how awful XH has been to me since he walked out and has had to deal with the aftermath. My family (parents, grandparents, brothers) will not come to the party if XH is there. They have not seen him since he left us and I suspect my dad will still want to hit him for leaving me with a newborn and a toddler. They did not come to DS last 2 parties because of XH.

Party is scheduled for 3 weeks after DS birthday and XH has him for his bday weekend anyway, but I already know it is going to cause trouble! Why am I and my family not allowed to enjoy my DS birthday for once?!

And on the other side, DP and ex have a poor relationship, I have never met her but she cannot stand me, stalks out my fb account, refers to me as that slut, anyone would think I was the ow when in fact they had split 3.5 yrs before I met DP! And she has another baby with someone else since.... Anyway, DP has mentioned party to her, although not yet said it will be joint with my DS, and she has started insisting she comes, but not if "that slut" is going to be there. Response has been, that's fine as I will be there and she isn't invited anyway, so she has now refused to help with inviting any of dss friends.

So many issues, just feel so sad and angry that DP and I aren't allowed to do something nice for our boys without all this......

Any views? How have others dealt with birthdays and parties?

If he has ds for his birthday weekend he can do his own party. I wouldn't tell him about your plans. Just do what you want for once

Let your ex have him for his birthday a weekend and don't tell him of your plans.
Your DSS can hand out invites himself at school with your DP's contact details on. That should work as long as his ex doesn't organise a separate party and confuse everyone.

Let your ex do something with him on his birthday weekend and you do something separate when he's with you. I wouldn't say anything to him - especially if the party is 3 weeks after his actual birthday.

Obviously it is probably going to crop up at some point because Ds will probably tell his dad through excitement of what's gone on, but if ex says anything just say 'Oh, as you did something with DS on his actual birthday that I wasn't around for, I didn't think it mattered that I did something separate to celebrate.'

As for not helping to invite any of DSS friends - could you DP go to the school (I'm guessing they're school age?) and ask for a list of class mates? I had to get a list of everyone in my DCs classes when they sent out Christmas cards.