Differences between step dad and step mum

[WritingBlock]

I don't want to get flamed for saying this and it's just my own personal observation with other blended families around me. But why does it seem that the step dad has an easier ride of things than the step mum?

I know it's not always the case - but a lot of the time I hear and read of how great step dad is for taking on someone else's case and so on but when it comes to step mum there's always a host of problems. Access gets stopped and parental alienation can occur. You're the evil witch who either is not doing enough to treat the children as equals or you're doing too much and stepping on toes. Whatever you do is never good enough and you're always in the wrong no matter what.

*someone else's children on I mean not case...sorry! :blush:

Purely from a practical POV, there seem to be more step dads who live with their DP/DW and the skids more or less full time, with weekends being the time when NRP visits happen. It's probably more common for women to be part time/weekend step mums, so the potential for issues of fairness and toe-stepping is more obvious.

That's just my thoughts though. My DP spends several nights a week with me and my DCs at my home. It's straight forward for him, he doesn't really take on a parenting role as such, but he's in 'our space' and we all know how things work here.

When his DCs come to visit at the weekend it's harder because they're in a different environment, have to live by my rules, which are different to their mum's and dad's and they have to share my DCs' space and toys etc. it's an extra pressure on all of us but most likely to show up in me & my DCs getting stressed.

I don't think there is a perfect solution when there are so many DCs and parents all involved in 'one' extended family. We all just do our best.

Totally agree. My dp is with my ds's practically all the time and has been for the past 5 years. We all get on great, my ds's adore him, my exh likes him and he does a brilliant job as a step parent.

I, on the other hand, am the evil step mum. His dd is with us 50% of the time and I'm always in hot water with dsd's mum for overstepping the mark because I expect dsd to abide by our house rules when she's here.

I don't treat her any differently to my own kids. If I take them out for dinner/to the cinema/shopping, they all get treated equally, but I get accused of treading on her mums toes. On one occasion, I took the boys bowling and dsd stayed home with her dad. I got flamed again off her mum for excluding her. I can't win.

I just ignore it and get on with things. I used to let it get to me, but now I just rise above it. I'm doing my best and that's all that matters. I don't give a shit about her opinions, so it doesn't matter :)

I have to say it's not my experience, looking at the limited number of blended families around me. I have been lucky not be at all vilified as a step mum by DP's family or his ex/her family. Equally I don't think his stepdad is particularly lauded in comparison to me, though I do think he has taken on a bigger commitment as he lives with DSS about 70% of the time as opposed to my 30%. I am in admiration of how well he (seems to) cope with his role, as I would find it hard if the balance were reversed.

Looking at another blended family we are close to, there have been lots of problems with the stepdad wanting to impose his very strict ideas of discipline and behaviour on his partner's kids, and I have heard many people within our circle hinting around the fact that they think he oversteps the mark a lot. Whereas the stepmum in this family receives nothing but praise for how good she is with the stepkids.

I am sure experience varies a lot, though.

I see your point River - and I have only admiration for the men who also take on the step role and more often than not they do play a bigger role than the step mum if mum has the primary custody.

It just gets my goat when mum can introduce her children to whoever she wants but when it comes to dad the kids point blank are not allowed to be involved. Step mum isn't allowed any part in the DSC lives but Sdad can be as much active in the say in the children's lives as dad is because mum wants that.

Yet, when Dad has a new partner the same rules certainly aren't the case.

Again, I know this isn't the case everywhere - just my personal observations :)

I agree. I do think its partly because the children will usually be resident with the mum and step dad, and hence growing up with the values and rules of their home.

I also think though that, although its stereotypical, it's usually the woman in a house who does the 'home making' side of things. So when a woman is expected to do that, but to someone else's values and rules, that is a recipe for clashes. I do think that step dads taking more of a back seat feels more natural to them and there less opportunity for "issues".

So for example, because I do the food shopping etc., it really irks me when I'm nt told when DSSs may me here or not here. Similarly washing etc. For a step dad those issues just won't come up. That's just a couple of examples. Similarly helping around the house., it probably won't bother a step dad that the children do nothing, but it probably would irk a step mother who most likely ends up picking up the pieces. Also women as parents are more likely to have issues with another woman having a part in her child's life, compared to men, IMO.

Just generally lots more scope for problems.

My dp always says to me I bet they (his ex and her boyfriend) have never had one argument about us. And I always respond with something
like yes dear that's because they get no sh*t from you about anything and your the not one who calls the shots, she does.

She has the ability to have you do what she wants because your going to feel guilty about everything. Her boyfriend wouldn't give a monkey's toss whether me and you had a baby, where as that silly moo will be fuming.

She doesnt sit there on the couch while her partner is running up and down with the kids getting them drinks etc.

Oh the list is endless

I think its often assumed that NRP dads are the 'guilty' partner for abandoning mum and kids to be fun weekend dad. When its not always that way. And if mum wants out of the marriage but is also primary carer, good dads will accept that they have no choice but to move out and be NRP for the childrens sake. Less upheaval, less fighting etc

At least 2 people I have met since DH and I married assumed I was his affair partner. Yet DH has never had an affair!

It seems in some people's minds its always husbands who lie, cheat and walk away from their marriages. Mothers would never do such a thing.

If society assumes this, then us second wives will always be viewed with suspicion especially if like me you are a lot younger than the ex.

So yes stepdads are saints for saving mum and being there because NRP dad has abandoned his children due to wicked stepmother snatching him from the first family.

Totally agree, Stepmooster. When I met DH everyone thought I was the OW. When the truth was that in fact it was his ex who had the affair and he decided to end it. Not to mention, DH had been single a while before we even got together.

Stepdads are the heroes and Stepmums are the evil witches.

Yup! Wednesday Martin explains it brilliantly in her book "Stepmonster".

There is a huge amount of social conditioning regarding stepmothers. Their 'evil' role was attributed to them at around the same time as 'mothers' were placed on a pedestal.
Did you know, for instance, that in the historical folk tales that form the basis of many modern fairy tales it was the mother that fulfilled the wicked/mean/neglectful role? That it was Cinderellas mother that favoured her older daughters? That it was Hansel and Gretels mother that abandoned them in the forest and it was Snow Whites narcissistic mother who called for her death?! The stories were changed when it became unacceptable for mothers to be portrayed so negatively - and stepmothers were considered a fair substitute!

If any other minority group was subject to such deliberate and targeted vilification in literature, there would be social/political outcry; can you imagine if those stories described cruelty to children at the hands of a gay man, or a religious parent, for instance?

We are our own worst enemy though - we don't (as a collective group) object to societies portrayal of us and (as is evidenced here on MN) we accept a level of hatred and condemnation that is unacceptable towards any other minority group.

Agree with Allnew (disclaimer: obviously this doesn't apply to all stepparents) in as much that there's a lot of sexism going on with "society's" attitude towards each respective gender of stepparent.

For example, as women, we are "supposed" to be more naturally "nurturing" than men - with the result that if we don't immediately fall in love with our stepchildren and/or ever dare to criticise them, we must be "wicked". I really feel there's far less pressure upon stepdads in this regard ... it's seen as more "natural" and far more acceptable if they are further removed, emotionally, from their stepchildren.

The thing is, just because you have a huge amount of love your own biological children doesn't mean there isn't an element of love for your DSC also. Because you have more of a bond with your own child than your DSC it makes you "wicked". That's not to say you don't have any type of bond with your step child but it's a different type of love and bond (if that makes sense?).

Just because there's two different feelings of love and bonding doesn't mean you'd treat one more equally than the other.

DH's ex has said some terribly awful things about our children that people around her seem to think it's acceptable. Yet if a step parent even slightly disagrees with anything to do with their DSC your given that honoury title of "evil" step mother.

I think it does depend on the circumstances really. My DP has 4 DCs, whereas I only have 2. I think I get a lot more of the "you're brave" type comments than he does because of that.

But I think the core issue for a lot of families is that the stepdad has got together with the resident parent - and she's the one who is in control of contact, overall parenting, etc in most setups. Which leaves the couple free to decide together how to do things in their household (or the stepdad to take a back seat and leave it up to her if he prefers)

Whereas a lot of step mums have got together with a man who isn't the RP, and is forced into a certain type of parenting by his ex. She'll be the one who's deciding schools, manners, what age to do X,Y,z, eating habits, etc. And in some cases she'll be deciding what contact her ex can have too. It's that situation that makes it hard for stepmums.

I'm very lucky in that my DP's ex leaves us very much alone when we have the kids, so overall don't feel I have a harder time than their stepdad does.

Writingblock - you say your DP's ex has said awful things about your children - but presumably she's never with your children and hardly knows them, so people wouldn't see that as a threat to them. Whereas if you said awful things about your DSC people would think "poor children" living with a woman who hates them. I'm not sure that's really any different for stepdads though - there was a thread on this board very recently from a poster who was a stepdad who was slagging of his DSD (saying she was vain and inferiour to his own DD) and he was given just as hard a time as a stepmum would have been I think.

Purple: She has been around my children quite a lot and has even tried undermining my own parenting in them. She thinks as she has children with DH as I do I then she has a right in a say with our children as well as hers and Dh's own (think calling me nasty mummy when I refuse to give in to demands.) . Although she's always quick to remind my DSC that they are only half siblings.

I'd never dream of speaking so awful about any child let alone my DSC. I mean the children haven't picked the situation to be in. They're just as an innocent party as the DSC are.

Again, best thing to do is rise above it because I know the reason she does it is to try and cause a rise - that she is yet to have. :)