Change to weekend visitation... Opinions please?

[mrsdaisaku]

My Dh has asked for you lovely people's views and or opinions on a dilemma. Dh's ex has asked for a change of visitation on weekends, currently we have them eow for two nights and two days and extra time when we can in holidays etc. This has worked really well. We are able to make plans ahead of time, two day's gives the dsc's time to settle into the house, spend unrushed time with Daddy etc. We live about 1hrs drive away from dm's house, so it's not exactly around the corner. The dsc's mother has asked that we change to one night a week as she wants to cut out a club midweek in order to have a night with her girls as atm she doesn't have this and add in another club on the weekend (they already do one eow as it is). The dsc's have alot of clubs and my husband feels it is too much as it is, but has never said anything as he didn't feel it was his place to. Our eldest dd we don't let do weekend clubs so that the weekends are always free for when the dsc's are here and is less upheaval for all the children involved. My dh also feels that the extra travelling that would be involved is not fair on them and have been well used to the visitation as it stands for the last two years, they know what's happening and when and always look forward to the full weekend (as do we). Of course we want what's best for the dsc's, but my dh also has to think about his children at home and feels torn. He has asked the dsc's what they want (6&7) and they have said that they like things the way they are. And of course the change would mean added costs to petrol etc which is difficult on a household with only one income (i'm a sahm). We understand that Dm want's extra time with her daughters (at the recommendation of the school counsellor), but my husband feels that it should be by loosing one of their clubs midweek altogether rather than a big upheaval to their routine and ours?

We have run by this with other people who are in the same position as his ex to make sure we're not being unreasonable and we have thought about things from her position (as far as we can), but it still remains that the best we can think of for the dsc's and our immediate family is to keep to the current eow. Is this fair? We have been in these situations before and it usually ends with visitation being revoked altogether till dsc's Mum get's what she's asked for, but my dh want's to avoid this at all costs.

I hope I have been concise and not belaboured, we really do want what's best for all.

I don't think what your husband wants is unreasonable. The key is, perhaps, why a school counsellor is involved and why they have made the recommendation that they have? It is difficult to comment further without knowing this.

Thank you for your post, as far as we are aware, the school counsellor was involved after the eldest dsd got worried about not having an item of school clothes (strict uniform rules) and the dm spoke to the school about her concerns (dm does molly coddle their worries a little, instead of reassuring them). The school counsellor felt that the children would benefit from a little more time at home (with Mum) after school, as they have too many after school clubs, this is all the information we have been given. The dsd's like the eow as they get to have time with Mummy and time with Daddy, but if they were to go to one day a week with Mummy and Daddy, most of their Mummy day would be taken up with clubs etc.

I think at that age they're doing too many clubs if they're not getting a single night in in the week with their mum.
If they were teenagers and had hobbies that were really important to them then it might work. But at 6/7 they really need decent chunks of time with their dad to keep a solid relationship. They can chop and change clubs frequently at that age. It won't harm anything to drop one club. Kids that age need time just to play too.
Me and my ex changed from 1 night a week to EOW when kids were around that age at their request. They prefered having longer to settle at each house.

Has dad spoken to school at all? It sounds like the children are way too active doing different clubs if they are missing out on time with mum. I wonder if your husband could get the school to have a gentle word with mum about cutting back a bit? is mum someone who didn't get to do much as a child so she is over-compensating?

It sounds like mum has a bee in her bonnet about making sure the girls don't miss out on clubs. I think somehow the conversation needs to be turned to the children missing out on time with mum (and dad) as a result of clubs...school could be really helpful in getting the message across. I don't think you need to go down the road of it being what the girls themselves want - they're really too young to be making that kind of decision anyway - but more about spending more quality time. I wonder if mediation is worth a try?

It sounds as if the school are saying they need to drop some of their after school activities - I have no idea why she thinks this means the weekends should be changed.

EOW is the best in your situation - it's too far away for shorter visits and, as you said, you need 'chunks' of time with them, not one day.

DH just needs to be gentle but firm with her - then pray a lot that she takes it well. If she threatens to withhold access/go to court then you will have to deal with it by being firm and turning up to collect them as you normally do - don't let her bully you.

Purple We agree that they are doing too many clubs, their mother has even said that they don't really get time to do homework because they're always so busy. Everything the dsc's seem to show an interest in she finds a way to let them do it.

Mumandboys My dh hasn't had an opportunity to speak to the school because of the holidays, this has been a very sudden request. It would be nice for dh to hear what has been said first hand rather than second and dsc's mother wants an answer asap. Mother apparently did a lot as a child and want's the same for her children, but she does appear to over compensate, but for what reason, we could only speculate.
We haven't gone down the road of what the girls want, it was just a gentle ask to see what they would prefer, at the end of the day its my dh's and their Mum's job to work out what's best for them. It's just such a shame that these decisions have to clash so often. They have just had a mediation session recently, which seems to work well for a while and I have already suggested to my husband that if things can't remain amicable on this then he should suggest mediation before letting it deteriorate into something ugly and unnecessary. Let's hope it doesn't deteriorate, for the kids sake.

Chipping What you've said is what my husband has already said to the ex, but they did at least have the common sense to leave the conversation until a more suitable time (not in front of the children), so the conversation is still unfinished. My dh is due to speak to his ex tomorrow, so we shall see how it turns out. But she's said that the weekend arrangements have't been working for her, but wasn't able to tell him specifically why not.

We shall see what happens, thank you for your comments, its reassuring for my dh that he's not being unreasonable and is thinking of what's best for the children.