Advice to help with eating/food problems...?

[LillyL]

My partner's children have to be the worst I've ever encountered with regard to eating.

His exW seems to have 'encouraged' the problems and it's not just me that has a problem with this, their French grandparents (their mother's parents) have the same issues with them.

The 11 yr old boy refuses to eat anything with onion in it. He refuses to eat anything with butter in it. He refuses to eat cheese products. He won't eat tomatoes. In fact their are only five things he will eat - Nutella (what is it with the French obsession with Nutella?!), plain roasted chicken breast, gnocchi with crème fraiche, chipolata sausages and potato puree (with no salt or butter).

Our Christmas celebration meal had to be chicken as 'the boys won't eat anything else'. I had to do potato puree for them and we had a separate meal. I made a buche de noel but he wouldn't eat it. Because he won't eat it, his younger brother (8 yrs old) refuses to eat it too.

My now adult boys ate what they were given. The rule was that they ate what we ate or they went hungry! I am becoming more and more annoyed by the fact that most of the time we all eat what the 11 yr old wants to eat. My DP agrees that his exW has created a monster of a problem but his view is that as he doesn't see them 'all the time' he wants their time together to be without angst over what they won't eat.

Has anyone here encountered a similar problem? If so, how did you overcome it, or is it best I just deal with his stroppy 'don't like that, want puree and saucisse' demands given that he isn't with us full-time?!

My DSS is very fussy with food, but when he's here he either eats what he's given or doesn't eat at all. My house, my rules. It hasn't been without bumps in the road though, he has a fantastic trick of being able to make himself sick if he doesn't want to eat something, but now we just don't engage. If he's 'sick' it's straight to bed with water as that's all he can have when he's 'sick'. He's learning, slowly.

He is only 5 though, I dread to think how he will be when he's older. You have my sympathy!

I would try and detach from this if I were you. Their mum isn't bothered apparently and their dad would rather have fun with his children than parent them when they are at yours.

I know it must be really frustrating but if the parents are not going to sort it out then why should you have that burden. If it is you doing the cooking on any days they are here I would tell your dh what you are making and let him make the Nutella sandwiches. Your heart is in the right place but I think this has the potential to make you into the bad guy.

Don't turn food into a fight with any child

Makes the problem worse
DS (5) fussy over food I just give him what I know he'll eat.

He doesn't have step parents thankfully if he did I'd hand them a list of likes, dislikes, equally so they don't waste time preparing something he won't eat, and he gets a meal he likes

It is frustrating

I have a fussy dsd, I'm not cooking two separate meals and I wouldn't' accept a list. My kitchen, I'll cook healthy meals, eat it or don't (she will eat most). If my dsc had a step mother I wouldn't dictate what she cooks in her kitchen.

Don't engage is all I can say it will only make you feel bitter! Let your husband handle the food problem.

And why are you spending hours making food for them? If they won't muck in and eat whatever you're making for everyone else, then your husband can pander to their fussiness.

Very unusual for French children to be so picky - don't they have school dinners? How do they cope at friends' houses etc?

Are you sure 11yo isn't over-eating during the apero or gouté thereby leaving him not hungry enough for main meal? V common among French children!

Ultimately I agree with lunar1, if the parents aren't bothered enough to try to sort it out, you are setting yourself up for a world of heartache by trying to change things yourself.

2 options: either you cook separate meals for you and the children, if you can't face a lifetime of sausages and mash (and who could blame you). Or you all eat the same, and that same is a mix of stuff you know they'll eat and stuff they might not. Don't force them to eat the stuff they don't like, just keep serving it and giving them the option, maybe your DP could get them to try one bite, and don't turn it into a battle if they don't eat it. Make sure there is bread and cheese if they don't eat much for the plat (does he eat bread and cheese?)

My DSS (8) is quite fickle at the moment, one week something is his favourite food ever, the next week he announces he doesn't like it any more. But thankfully he has quite a broad range of tastes, and it is easy to cook things he will like. That said, usually I do sneak in one meal per weekend that I'm not totally sure he will like, usually because its something I really want myself. Sometimes he rejects it, and just eats the legume or some cheese and bread, sometimes it turns out he loves it. I can find no rhyme or reason in what he likes and doesn't like!

My generally eats things oldest won't touch onion, potato or tomatoes. I wonder if there is something in these foods, as they seem to be common dislikes.
How can he tell if there is butter (in small quantities) in something? What happens if a knob of butter makes in into the potato?
Nutella, iirc, contains milk, so if he's refusing all dairy, he should be refusing nutella?????
Can you make a meal you like, with one thing he likes once a day? So, a meal with potato puree or gnocci or chicken or sausage when he's around?
Not sure what to advise. How often does he stay with you? ie how much influence can you have on his diet?

I just wanted to thank you all for your feedback on my food query!

I have to say that given they are French born and bred, I was surprised by how fussy they are. My other half gave me the impression that when he was married his French wife was an amazing cook - after talking generally about family life with his family, I have discovered that his ex wife never really cooked at all so I think the children are basically eating what they were raised on! Simple flavourless food. It's just annoying that the 8yr old will imitate his 11 year old brother so if he doesn't like something, the 8yr old says no too!

They don't really eat much between meals, they sometimes ask for quatre heure and will have a piece of bread with jam or a crumpet (which I have managed to introduce to them as an alternative to the never ending round of baguette!) and the strange thing is that although the 11 yr old will eat Nutella, he hates chocolate bars! It would seem that their thin and fit French mum may have transferred her food phobias onto him.

Anyhow, what I wanted to really say is that I've decided that I will just cook two meals or eat their simple food when we're with them (my other half always helps and often cooks the entire meal if I am busy, so I am very lucky there!). I don't want to be the ogre and I understand their dad just wants to make the most of his time with them and not fill that time with food arguments. He has a very unusual job and his ex wife agreed to very fluid arrangements with the children so he could have them for as long as he wanted when we are in France. I will just go with the flow as other issues are becoming apparent with the 11 year old so there's no point in wanting to stick it out on just this one issue.

Thanks everyone!

Wait a minute...skinny, French mum, DP with unusual job, long periods of international travel, kids based in France...OP - are you Johnny Depp's new girlfriend?

River

I now refuse to cook for my boyfriends children. I'll cook what I'm cooking, they are welcome to it, but if they aren't going to eat it he can take them to his.
On New Year's Eve I ended up crying over some chicken kievs. That was the turning point for me.

Lilly

Cook two meals? Why?

Cook yourself something and let DP do the catering for his kids. Lets see how long he can keep that up!

My own kids were given nice food, freshly cooked snd we all sat down together. we had the eat it or have nothing rule and made the odd mistake where we realised later that toothache, illness etc were a factor. Or they genuinely did not like it.

My son still doesn't like lamb!

But they will now try anything and have much wider tastes than I do, never leave a scrap on their plate when they visit.

My current partners kids are a different story. As their mum was run ragged just getting them to and from school and activities and working full time they had very different eating habits.

Tv on during every meal, a lot of pasta with either just cheese or a tomato sauce, baked beans a frequent filler. Chocolate after every meal.

Came as quite a shock to me, and we decided we would tackle it bit by bit.

Tv off was easy enough. Just keep repeating yourself. Sitting at a table together without one of them just getting up and wandering off took a bit longer.

Eating the same food was the hardest, just broadening their palate was a challenge. I'm no gourmet, just fairly traditional dinner dishes my mum made and some Indian, thai and Chinese things I can do added to the menu.

They still eat rubbish at their dads. Ready meals, pizza, take away and some badly cooked stuff! Can't blame him for trying!

But now they openly say how much they enjoy the food when they're with us. The youngest has even been asking for fish curry this week, for a boy who wouldn't eat anything a cpl years ago that's quite something.

My tip would be if you're going to give them something new, give them a very small amount before stuff you know they'll eat. Have just the main dish yourself and ask them to try it, they can have something else when it's finished. And don't take no or tantrums.

Gradually increase the amounts until the old stuff is a side dish, then drop it.

Every now and then, once a week maybe, give them something off the old menu. Ours stopped asking I can't remember the last time I had to eat a chicken Kiev!

No magic bullet, they don't pile sugar on cereal any more but I can't wean them off Nutella or cocoa pops! And they still leave the last mouthful of food on a plate or in a dish!

Can't win em all!!