Mantras for detaching?

[Loveineveryspoonful]

Hope everybody has had a pleasant enough Xmas.
I'm asking for help here on a matter I'm just not clear about: the workings of the teen girl mind!
Although female and approaching 50 I'm still very confused and upset by some actions of my dsd.
Atm I'm trying really hard to detach, as it appears that's what dh is doing, I.e. Not parenting IMHO.
Dh has no problems parenting dss, will even listen to some of my suggestions so that we all rub along pretty well.
I realize dads feel different about their daughters, no doubt as strongly as I feel about my ds. But for all the praising I do I also feel obliged as parent to iron out some creases. Just basic good manners and trying to develop a sense of responsibility etc (always keep an eye on mn teenager section!).
To put it mildly, dsd is turning into a bully. She has always had a "mentoring" role in her brothers life (her mum is her BFF) and I realize she's used to having a commanding presence at her mums. She's too old (16) for me to parent her (and have only recently achieved a relatively favorable relationship with her) but her dad seems afraid of her and would rather pander to her/ bribe her/ ignore all bad behaviour instead of once standing up to her.
At Xmas she literally dictated how everybody was to open their presents, seemed to be put out at our choice of gifts and sulked a lot. As she's a bit of a drama queen neither the boys nor I were greatly upset, but dh was wringing his hands as usual.
I realize this was no biggie, but the pattern persists: dsd oversteps the mark (pretending she's in charge, no adult presence recognized), I look to dh to set boundaries, he doesn't, the moment passes and dsd behaviour is reinforced. Then it happens again, and again, and again.
I don't know what's going to happen next. I've stopped trying to get dh to do anything, he likes to paint me as the wicked sm, having a go at her. I never do btw. I confront him and his spineless attitude. She's not going to develop her social skills anytime soon if she's always treated like a princess.
What should I do?

Hi love after reading your thread, IMO (and I am sure you already know this) the root cause is the bit you said about

I've stopped trying to get dh to do anything, he likes to paint me as the wicked sm, having a go at her

For as long as your DP doesn't stay as a united front with you, his DDs behaviour will persist. In MN-speak he needs to grow a pair, man up and be prepared to talk to his DP in strong terms about the house-rules and the fact that she is riding rough-shod over you in your home (you are the grown ups, she is an adolescent but you and your DP oay the bills, so you get to say things like they are.

He continues to enable her princess behaviour probably because he likes it that way, staying the nice guy.

Oops sorry DD not DP. All these acronyms

Thanks Daisy, you're so right.
Dsd is a talented young woman who should be much further along in her emotional development.
Pretty soon dss, 4 years younger, will be overtaking her, as he is made contribute to chores (doing own laundry, clearing own plates etc).
We have very few house rules, only today I taught ds how to butter toast properly... It's just so important to get them involved, even if its baby steps towards independence and the idea that using your brain won't hurt.
It saddens me that dh obviously wants to keep his little princess dependent upon him and is using her vulnerability as daddy's girl to remain her "good cop."
I'm not sure if he really appreciates how hurtful he's being to both of us. I suspect he's a closet macho who needs lots of women around him telling him how great he is (just like his momma...).

evening...
sorry nothing useful to add except that I totally understand where you are coming from... I too am living that life

Sorry to hear that humpty.
Are you doing anything to try and correct this? I'd be interested to hear.

I think it wouldn't bother me that much were it not that he has a ds who clearly sees the situation for what it is. Ds tries to copy dsd in some things (choice of schools etc) and then do better. I'm the second born in my family and my heart bleeds for him. He will never achieve that golden child status. Dh really doesn't care what I say about this and puts a band aid on a wound that really requires resetting the bone...
Weirdly our couple counseling started because of his excessive behaviour towards dsd, and the counselor told him to stop it. There has been mild improvement and I'll take that as a sign he values our relationship, but his heart isn't in giving up this habit so I'll leave it and encourage building up our relationship instead.
It's quite banal really, he'll do dsd laundry as she refuses to, but won't do the same for dss. Dss will have to get his own snacks or help with lunch etc. dsd gets hers served on the sofa. Don't get me wrong, my ds is spoiled too, but I see what I'm doing and actively get him to contribute as a matter of principle. Dh won't.

Hi loving, sorry to have to say this, but these situations dont tend to end well, unless they can be nipped in the bud. The longer it is engrained behaviour the harder it becomes to break the habit, and that is all it is!

Having read your later post, I feel more convinced that if I were in your shoes, I would have another firm discussion with your DH and remind him what was discussed at the counselling sessions which he seems to be gradually distancing himself from.

I think I now remember a previous post where you mentioned about the issue of your DSD doing the 'little wife' with her DF which is a wholly unhealthy and damaging thing that he is encouraging to persist. It would do no harm if you were to start off by talking in terms of the concern you feel about how things are panning out, how it is in the best long term interests of DSD and also mention how DSS is really progressing well and that you want to see DSD flourish in the same way in the coming years.

I know its hard, but resist the temptation to place too much blame at your DHs door so that he does not become defensive and it doesn't hit a raw nerve, but just gives him 'food for thought' that he may take on board over a period, and see that you may have a point. Perhaps give some specific examples of the behaviours that are troubling you, what you see it then encourages DSD to do (ie the bossing around, being overbearing, whatever you are observing at home, these are just examples btw) and also work out some plan together, so that he is involved and you are supporting.

You sound a really caring person and I do hope you can move things forward. I had, shall we say, quite a bit of Disneying to contend with, again down to the fear of DSC rejection and "not enjoying living here" all that baloney, and once that was put aside for more "sturdy" parenting, it made a difference and without a doubt has benefitted my DSS hugely.

Thanks, Daisy. Wise words indeed.
It was a bit of a nonstop issue some time ago, and I thought I'd give it a bit of a rest as dh seemed to be digging his heels in. But it's more "making it less obvious" so that I'll stop complaining.
After having decided that detaching made me feel better, I am now also more direct in my approach and stand my ground on the little issues of everyday life. I used to stand wayyyy back eow and let them bond and do all the stuff together, feeling isolated and yet proud for having taken the high road. This was wrong, it simply encouraged dsd to rule the roost as dss never got a say in how things were planned. Very unhealthy.
Yesterday evening we took them out for dinner, dsd made a special point of an upcoming holiday with dss, mum and stepdad, going to a place she knows is a major interest to dh (geek hobby) and seriously rubbed in how great it was going to be. She has made it her mission to keep reminding her dad that he left them (photo cards at Xmas last year of when they were small...). It is amazing how cold and calculating a child can be.
After dinner there was a dvd I wanted to see that dh was keeping until dsc were here. Dsd was still mulling over her choices when I said I'd finally like to see this film, and she went to her room (all low key manipulation, she doesn't do tantrums). Dh unhappy but we settled down, after 15 mins or so she joins us... Fine time all round.
I don't blame dsd for her character, her mother is v calculating and her dad loves power games too.
I feel in order to lead the family life I need, I need to be as brusk and direct as they are, or get swept away...