Any happy stories about positive influence winning over children?

[shey02]

Like alot of people here, I'm struggling with a situation that I've never been in before and just looking for some ideas or just some positive stories to give me some hope for the future.

I have my own dc, 3 of them and we are very, very close. Their relationship with their father is good as is mine. My issues relate to my boyfriend's dc. I have been with him for a year and a half, we are committed and talk about the future alot, spending our lives together, getting married.

However.... I seem to be seeing his dc less and less, my relationship with them becoming more distant and to be honest each time I see them it's like starting over. I never know whether his dd will seem to be okay with me in which case it dictates the tone of the day/evening and everything will be a-ok. If it's a day when she's not okay with me. We all suffer, it's the rudeness, ignoring, fighting with her sibling, cattiness to her father, nasty looks to me... I rise above it mostly, ignore it. But it still hurts.

She is coached to hate me by exdw, told that her father is a bad father, even though he pays, even though he sees them every other weekend and three times during the week and never misses a thing. He never fails them. The exdw instigated the divorce. I never even knew him until 4 years after that. I was told she was happy as a pig in shit while he was lonely and suffering with the breakdown of the family. As soon as he met me, suddenly it was WW3 between them and 'but the children thought we would get back together'. All those lies and crap. She constantly gossips about me to all who will listen, but she doesn't even know me. The kids are asked to tell him that I'm not welcome at events and such which I accept, but still hurtful, because there's no sane reason for the hate.

I used to feel so positive and so did my boyfriend about influencing, having fun, bonding. It's just so hard when the lights are off, shutters are down, how do you bond? It seems like he's given up and just keeps us separate when it's his time with them, rather than confronting the issue of the behaviour and his exdw bitter vendetta because we are happy and she is not.

I feel so low at the moment because I don't feel anymore that I can just 'pop in' on them if it is his weekend, or suggest doing anything together in case I'm overstepping. I try to give them their space, but the reward I'm getting is seeing them less and seeing my bf less. And my anxieity is growing about whether that will ever change or reverse. It's caused so many arguments between us, it's eroding our friendship which used to be so, so strong.

Sad that some parents project their bitterness and hate right onto the ones they claim to love... but can a positive, happy influence ever make a difference when the hate and bitterness is pushed on them 80% of the time? Do these ex's ever get bored, ever move on?

I guess I'm struggling with knowing that some miserable, hateful woman across the city is able to influence my life like this. So unfair.

If his daughter is behaving like this it's up to your dp to let her know it's not acceptable.

It bugs me that as a step mum it's me that seems to bend over backward and make all the right noises to keep a happy home when in fact it's my dh who needs to be a parent, set boundaries and let his child know what's acceptable behaviour. It's not ok to be rude to anyone step parent or otherwise, it's just plain bad manners.

Hopefully she'll come around in her own time and you'll make your own bond.

I agree it's the NRP role in these situations to act as a 'parent' but many are scared to do so in case they lose their DCs.

My DH has lost his DCs because he chose to parent them.

your partner needs to parent his children properly. He needs to stop allowing disrespectful behaviour and he needs to have a conversation with the children to reassure them that him loving you does not mean that he loves them any less. The children need to know that he is entitled to be happy.

He needs to get over the fear of his children not wanting to see him if he does settle down with you.

If he can't do this, if he can't face this fear and is walking on eggshells you will never IMO have a happy and healthy relationship and it's probably best you don't move in together or get married.

He cannot control what his ex says to the children, but he can control how he deals with the children's behaviour.

What are their ages, out of interest? My DSD was 12 when I met her and she was made it very clear that I wasn't wanted or welcome. She was totally vile to me and it was hard on everybody. I think it's very hard for a tween/teen girl to accept anyone new coming into their dad's life. In my experience, their hormones are raging, they're jealous and insecure. The younger one, however, welcomed me with open arms. I remember being uninvited to family events because my boyfriend (now husband) was scared of how she was going to react.

We're far from the model step family but i can talk to her and we can get along now. She didn't even want to give me a chance at first.

Like you, I'd love to hear some positive stories. I'm in a similar situation to you (I don't have my own children though).
I honestly think that being a decent step mother is the toughest family role. When you are up against a controlling ex it's even harder. To be honest if I knew it would be like this I would have ended the relationship I have with DP before it got off the ground. Now I'm kind of stuck - the children love me and I feel responsible for them (regardless of whether or not I should) - leaving them would be another massive rejection/upheaval in their lives and I just couldn't put them (or their dad) through it... Saying that though something will have to change soon or I will implode.
So I hate to say it but think carefully about your relationship... It hasn't got easier for me (it was quite easy to start of with) - now it is really really tough because I am dealing with two emotionally damaged and needy children.

Thank you for all of your replies. I guess I would settle for just 'getting along'. I would be so happy with that now if the oldest would just not be so rude/dismissive of me. The oldest is 13, I don't know if that has an effect or that she is just unhappy. In the beginning, I wanted to believe that 2 years down the road we would all be happy families. It is with my dc, my dp and exdh, I'm starting to think I was very naive, as I said I would settle for just mild acceptance right now!

I know my dp is frustrated, the conversations we have over this issue are becoming more heated and complicated, so I just avoid them now. If he's doing his own thing with them, I just accept it. But I can't help but feel he has the best of both worlds, his family and mine.... Whereas I feel like he now has a separate life to me. When we are together, alone or with my dc, life is perfect, bliss for all of us. My new years resolution was to just accept it and don't push anymore. But I guess that's accepting that we will never live together or get married. The weird thing is that he wants me to 'love' his children as I would hope one day I would! But he seems to think I can accomplish this duty in a few hours a month..... So confused...

As one of the replies said, he is most probably frightenend to address the behaviour in case of upsetting them, sending them home upset, risking them not wanting to come next time. To him, his kids are perfect, yet they run rings around him and challenge him and his family all the time, he chooses not to see it.

Thanks again for the replies. :)

I was in your situation and now I feel I ought to have stayed there.
I used to think that things would get better if only we lived together, which was also dhs explicit wish, so we bought a house big enough for all but his dc were resentful and clingy (dh was Disney parenting to the max so I don't blame them...).
I bent over backwards and did somersaults to make everyone feel welcome and cherished, I was still treated with mistrust and disdain, dc continued to cling and exclude me as best they could.
Then I thought being married would get me the respect I deserved, and as dh was eager I finally consented. My ds was ring bearer and v pleased for us, dh didn't even make the effort for his dc to be there, as they still blamed him for breaking up the home (exw v bitter, as seems typical of exes who carry a lot of guilt... I wasn't ow, nowhere near...).
Needless to say that didn't work out either, we've been in couple counseling for a year!
You're right, he does have the best of both worlds. Ask yourself what you want from this relationship, ask your dp if he's prepared to give it to you, and only if you believe him and see him die trying (sorry, being over dramatic) commit. Otherwise walk away and enjoy your bond with your dc, its priceless.

I did feel that I wanted the commitment, the family again. It can be so draining when you're raising dc, even those as easy as mine. Just thought it might be nice to be a unit again, but I'm realising that I don't think that will ever be. Whether we live together or get married or not as the most recent poster said. I guess it will always be him, exdw and his kids and me feeling a bit shortchanged.

To be honest, I feel really, really low tonight, have had many tears today. Another argument about boyfriend's dc and I'm just feeling like we're on a different plane entirely. I thought we had a fab weekend together with his dc, they were in good fettle and we got on really well, everything went fine, I thought. Only to have him pick holes in everything and again tell me that he wishes I treated his kids as he does mine... I try to but to illustrate one example why it is different, when he walks into my house, ALL of my dc will stop what they are doing and mosey on down to hug and greet him. In his house, his dc will not look up when I walk in, they are not affectionate by nature, nor particularly chatty with anyone. I have to put myself in their faces and say hi, grab them for a hug, the older one always flinches and pulls away. My cleverly worded questions that do not ilicit a one word response, quite strangely get a one word response. They are great at that. Nice right? But I always try because I love him dearly and want to bond with them.

He never will say 'gosh they are a bit difficult, you're really great with them, you never give up, you never get upset, even when they're rude to you, even when they don't eat what you cook them especially, even when they ignore you etc. etc. You guys know the score. In my dream world that's what he'd say. Right now I'd settle for him saying nothing, what I get is constant criticism over the tiniest of things.

I feel so low, I feel like I cannot win with him, he is never pleased of late and the situation seems to be getting worse for me. Feel like all the frustrations he feels regarding exdw and dc are put on me, I'm an easier target. But it's wearing me down.

He never will say 'gosh they are a bit difficult, you're really great with them, you never give up, you never get upset, even when they're rude to you, even when they don't eat what you cook them especially, even when they ignore you etc. etc

Please, please don't settle for anything less than this in the misguided belief that its not achievable.

There are NR Dads out there who are like this - don't give up your dream!

It sounds as if your DPs dream is similar to yours - but maybe you need a little help finding the right path that you can travel along together to get there?
Many, if not most, successful blended families seek help when they are struggling (and they all do struggle at times) - how about you consider some couples counselling, or maybe a relationship course (such as the Alpha programme) to explore this together?

Thank you last poster, I so wish it was like it is with my dc, but it isn't right now and I don't blame anyone for that, but I feel that's all put on me. I definitely need help. I have nothing but good intentions, warm, loving intentions towards his dc. The situation has become so dire this week, that he thinks I don't like or want to be around them. It seems his frustrations are worse than the dc and that whatever I do, it's misunderstood. He has absolutely convinced himself that I am the problem and it's breaking my heart. Is it unrealistic to compare a live-in relationship with the potential of a step-few-hours-a-week-relationship? Or is it me? I think I do a good job with the few hours a month I have, I'd die trying to bond with his kids, I'd never give up as long as he appreciated my efforts, but what a difference a week makes, the title of this post seems no longer relevant... Probably will be posting about a breakup in relationships next. :(

No advice I'm afraid; I've been incredibly lucky with DSS.

But I want to say that you sound absolutely lovely and I'm sorry your DB can't see that.

Thank you Calamity, really appreciate that. :)