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Step-parenting

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Don't know where best to post this, (warning may be triggering)

21 replies

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 23/12/2013 01:20

I haven't name changed. Please if anyone knows who I am don't say.
I'm going to try not to drip feed but I feel like I'm going to throw up an am shaking so much its untrue think its anger rather than anything else.
Ds (5) has basically told me that dss has done something abusive to him. Well not to him as in touching him but he's made ds do things and said some sexual things which ds wouldn't have known if he hadn't been told them. Ds started off by saying this then also explained in detail something else dss was doing which is obv masturbating .. He repeated the same story to his dad when he came to put him to bed..I've called the social services which is really hard for me if anyone knows my back story on here now I'm shitting myself in case they take ds.
Spoken to dss mother (he's 12) and he's denied it to her and blamed it on my older ds who little ds shares a room with. She's siding with him which I can't blame her for, p is stuck in the middle an I'm refusing to let dss anywhere near my children ever again. Thank god he wasn't left alone at any time with dd.
I don't know I'm not expecting any replies just a hand holding really. What is going to happen? For fucks sake. Hmm

OP posts:
SqueakyCleanLibertine · 23/12/2013 02:05

Oh things how bloody awful.

You've absolutely done the right thing.

No wise advice, but here's a hand till someone else comes along.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 23/12/2013 02:10
Sad

Not sure what to say except that you must be in shock.

Not sure what you mean about grateful dd wasnt alone with him. Your son was though and this happened. Why would it be worse if dd?

stepmooster · 23/12/2013 04:43

I have absolutely no experience of this but I've just read your other thread. Your DD is a baby and not very old? As a mum of a 4 month old I can understand what you mean about it not being your baby.

Is your DS your P child too? Or just DSS? If there is also anotjer father he may well be panicking for the safety of his child and want some intervention if any attempt to minimise this. Though i dont believe you will but wghat about your P?

I know you had issues with DSS before, nothing like this and you were seriously considering banning him from your home as your P refused to parent him and his behaviour was unacceptable.

Did P ever change and parent his son?

If i were you id want P to 100 PCT stick by me and DS. If he didn't then I'd be packing his bags for him.

I think I would have involved the police tbh, I think at 12 your DSS should know what he's done is a crime.

Finally I just want to send you Thanks and hope you get some support from your partner over this.

SqueakyCleanLibertine · 23/12/2013 05:05

Your ds went be taken away love.you've rang ss as soon as you were told, therefore you are protecting him.

I hope your dp steps up, when you say he's stuck in the middle, do you mean he doesn't know what to believe?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 23/12/2013 09:26

Sorry yes ds is also p son
Not worse if dd was alone with him but she is tiny, 3 months old and if she had she would have to be medically examined. I thought I was so careful, I've been here before Hmm
This is why my oldest dd was taken away because I struggled to cope with the fact she's been abused despite me being mega funny about who I had round my kids, it turned out one person I trusted, my brother, was abusing her.
I must be a really shit parent - dss mum is sending me some vile messages
The sleeping arrangements here aren't ideal, dd1 returned home and needed her own room, ds1 is 16 and shares with ds2, normally he's away weekends so dss sleeps in his bed and dsd used to sleep in the bottom on her own, she doesn't come any more, ds stopped co sleeping not long ago I was so fucking pleased he was going in his own bed now this happens the poor little mite

Basically dss mum said she was going to call the police so I was ok with that, she's worried that the kids are displaying overly sexual behaviour (this is where I drip feed sorry) they lived with their aunt and p - there were teenagers there dnw and dnc, p says even though dnc got pregnant at an early age ie before 16 that nothing was happening in front of the dsc however I'm not so sure and told their mum so, she also says that they have told her they've heard and seen dnc and dnw (niece an nephew) with their respective girlfriends and boyfriends
I fin that disgusting but it's not my children or my house so I didn't have a say. When they went back to their mums IMO it was the best thing for them, it happened in the wrong way though and left dss a bit up in the air though we thought he had settled by now. P had never really parented them properly, I often said he only wanted them as if they were possessions - I tried to guide him along the path of not smacking ect but by then he had basically passed the mantle to dsil and she did the day to day care.
Their mum didn't have them for eight years with a few one off visits in between, she had them one time and took lots of pictures, the discussion was that she would then use the pictures to be able to secure a house (she was in a flat) then not see the kids again, sadly this seems to have been the case, then a few years later one day they just didn't come back from contact.
I'm positive dss is confused, angry, god knows what else. He came here and behaved well but when at mums he would have flip outs where she would call us to come and get him though that was a last resort, she smashed his phone with a hammer last time and sells his possessions, when he misbehaves. He's been caught sending messages of a sexual nature to girls at school saying 'tell so and so that we've had sex' and on the pad he uses here the YouTube history has the sex scenes out of grand theft auto all over it. That game is banned here and he knows it, its vile - the worst thin is that he was watching them with ds and I never even thought to check, ds has a safety feature called kid zone so he can't watch those sort of things.
I'm sorry this is a really muddled post I'm really up in the air. Have told ds he is great for remembering our talks about good and bad touching and safety I am positive its just saved him from worse abuse as it stands its the fact that dss got ds to 'put his peepee in the lady book and having sexing with the ladies and it made my peepee sore' (ds exact words) I'm mortified and found two nuts/zoo type magazines under the bed have asked ds1 about them and he says he was given them but never read them, which I believe, he isn't even vaguely interested in girls more college, camping and getting covered in mud, says he read some articles in them then chucked them under the bed. Anyway so after doing this to my ds, dss apparently sat on the bed with the magazine and well you know the rest, sadly I don't think he meant to hurt ds, more get him involved so if his dad or I found out he could say well he did it too iyswim?
I'm also frightened for dss, I've watched him grow up even if I was told he wasn't mine on a regular basis, I still cared for him, my sbro couldn't work with children or attend college after the court case with dd1 and he was 12/13 when he began abusing and 15 nearly 16 when found out and court case began.
I know I shouldn't care but I don't want that life for dss - he's been through enough.
But I believe my son and am going to protect him and show him I don't accept anyone hurting him. He will miss dss so much, I feel sorry for p too what an awful position to be in, I'm torn up like you wouldn't believe and dss mum is now being a vile cow understandable I suppose she's scared for dss.
Oh one thing she's angry for is that she was calling my bluff by saying she was going to call the police, so is angry that I've called social services?!

OP posts:
ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 23/12/2013 09:32

P believes ds too but he's adopted a sweep it under the carpet mentality where he hopes it won't affect ds too much he's also worried what it means for dss poor bloke also she has pulled contact entirely as says on top of this dss behaviour when he's seen his dad is awful.
And if she reinstates it, I won't allow him here.
Poor bloke but obv even more poor ds who is a baby and some little fucker has harmed him I swing between feeling sorry and concerned for dss to wanting to slap his bloody face off (not actually, I don't hit children but its taking all my powers to stop me going there)
His denying it has made me really cross too, ds was too descriptive for a four y/o for it to be untrue or a story

OP posts:
TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 23/12/2013 14:55

I have no advice I'm afraid op but I can completely understand how you feel.
Your poor son but how brilliant it was that he told you. Such a brave boy.
I really hope that in time you can all get over this and that there will be no lasting affects on your children. Try and have a good Christmas op Thanks

SqueakyCleanLibertine · 23/12/2013 15:39

Oh god things is absolutely awful this has happened before, but it's not your fault

Dss sounds like he's been put through the mill in all sorts of ways, his parents should be ashamed, yes, both of them.

What have ss said?
Stay strong, you've done all you can for now, and yes, thank your stars little ds told you.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 23/12/2013 15:58

Oh that's awful :( your poor son.

What did social services say?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 23/12/2013 18:07

To be fair they were amazing came out straight away ds didn't repeat any of the sexual stuff but happily told them that dss has been having little digs and kicks at him Hmm I've supervised them to the best of my ability this has obviously been when they've gone to bed. Kicked myself for not throwing those stupid magazines away. Ds1 isn't even interested in them, and also not taking him up on his offer to give up his bed for dss instead thinking it would be fine for the two boys to top and tail though from ds2 description that wouldn't have prevented it.
Even though I've been through the mill with SS previously I couldn't not report it.
Dss mum has messaged p to say 'I hope your girlfriend is proud of herself' Hmm well she was with me on this before and said she would call the police, I went direct to SS .. I guess she had no intention of callin them.
I've had lots of Facebook messages too, keeping them to show SS. Apparently (she's in a different area) the social worker she spoke to said 'why weren't they supervised' what do they want fucking infra red CCTV in the bedrooms? Dss mum also says what kind of parent does it make me as this is the second time this has happened though the first was with my oldest daughter and her uncle, my brother. I can see this going the same way as last time. Petrified in going to lose my little ones Confused
I just don't know why this keeps happening. Do feel like a shit mum atm

OP posts:
IThinkThat · 24/12/2013 10:10

It sounds like you are doing the right things. Hope everything works out.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 24/12/2013 10:40

Thanks ITT
P asked me this morning to wrap dsd and dss Christmas presents
I'm on phone so no angry emoticon but I'm fucking fuming
Ds asked who they were for yesterday p said they're for dsd and dss, ds was all confused and said but dss has been naughty daddy.
Confused

OP posts:
stepmooster · 24/12/2013 11:03

OP, I am trying to imagine what I would do in your shoes, with my own 12 yo DSS and our children here. Because he does have to share with the little ones too, and there is no way you can supervise them at night. Actually I think DH would probably not want any overnight visits with his son, and contact would be made away from the other children.

I really don't know how YOU can fix DSS, you can't you are not his parent. I have had to learn that with my DSS over certain things, nothing like this. Ultimately you have to do what is best for the other children if the mother isn't going to take this matter seriously. Hopefully your P will see that too.

How are things otherwise? Is your P likely to ever return to being DP? Are you hanging on in there for the children? Or are you genuinely seeing improvement in his parenting and support for you?

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I would be weighing up all the things that have happened and the chances of any improvement or not before I decided to put my heart into making the relationship work.

And no you are not a bad parent, I can't imagine what you must have gone through to learn of what your brother had done to your child. Why would anyone suspect that, so no please don't think you are a bad mum. you are a good mum, because you care, you care about all the children in this sorry saga, and you want to sort it out instead of pretending it will go away.

I hope you have a some fun tomorrow with your children especially the little ones.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 24/12/2013 12:35

Thanks so much for your kind words
P may have stood a chance at becoming dp again had he not insensitively blundered into asking me to wrap presents for a person who has hurt my son and another who has stated clearly she doesn't give a shit about any of us.. She's 11.
I've gotten more angry now if I'm honest. He's dropping presents there today and asked if I want to go with him ffs
I am going to snap today I can see it and not in a little way either.

I'm trying to hold it together because of tomorrow but he keeps stabbing me in the face asking me to do these things which makes me think that he's not taking this seriously :/

Thanks though it's much appreciated that someone out there is trying to be empathetic towards my situation. I've discussed that much with him and said never here, never again. I'm spitting mad that I changed my mind about the hotel stay and then this happened, if I'd stuck to my guns it wouldn't have maybe or maybe it would.. Guess I need to put this away for the day and think about it after Christmas

OP posts:
stepmooster · 24/12/2013 13:17

It does sound like he's being an ostrich over this! Good idea to put it to one side until after xmas.

Xx

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 18/01/2014 19:12

Update

P had the absolute cheek to do the following on Christmas Eve
Wrap a present for SS
Come with him to see them and drop off presents
With ds in tow
Shock
He ended up going on his own needless to say, and spent a good two hours there (not an issue in itself except he spent most of it discussing the situation with exp)

Then huge row on Christmas Day when he basically said to me that I was 'happy he'd never see SS again' my reply was that he should see SS, but it was not my job to promote contact or facilitate it at my home.
He then said 'well it's not like it was THAT bad'
I replied 'he abused our son'
Then he said 'well abuse seems to follow you around doesn't it. What kind of mother does that make you'

When asked to explain and apologise he refused both. So I guess I've gone all EA on him because I've barely spoken to him since and won't let him touch me. So I don't think we're going to last much longer and tbh that's fine with me.

SS was interviewed by police and has denied any wrongdoing, just waiting to see now what the police decide to do.
I'm getting through the angry stage bit by bit but it's like swimming in glue Sad

I want to thank you all for being so supportive and non judgemental x

Especially on a day where us SM's seem to have taken a bashing on mn lol

OP posts:
nessus · 18/01/2014 19:31

Wow...he said that????

Can you even apologise that away?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 18/01/2014 21:03

Hi Nessus
Yep I called him in it immediately, because he was parroting his exp's words syllable by syllable practically Sad
So I knew it had come from her, the worst thing is, she usually refused to have him anywhere even near her home until I managed to get them to speak because I was sick of the rows when sc's were going from ours to hers and back again with horror stories, each parent having an eppy, I told them they were being played off against each other and for the sake of the kids they needed to at least put on a united front, or one where the kids knew communication went on that wasn't dc controlled iyswim

That arrangement fell apart after a couple of weeks. Quite frankly given the rows I'm surprised they managed to have two children together Blush

So she had thrown away her usual reservations in order to pull the shield round SS to protect him from the consequences of sexually abusing a four year old child. And he had sat listening to her for a couple of hours and decided to let a few snippets out Christmas Day disguised as his own.

Which would have worked if she hadn't sent me a vile message on fb the day before with the exact same words.

I asked for an explaination because I wanted to know what he meant by it, did it mean he believed that ds was lying.. Which would have been a total deal breaker for me.. I would have refused unsupervised contact at that because there would be nothing stopping him believing SS' version of events, and making the two boys have contact without my knowledge.

He still hasn't explained himself
I have told him he needs to be available to SS and made it very clear the child still needs his father regardless of what he's done, there has been no contact as yet though, I believe SS has no phone as his mother smashed it with a hammer Blush

OP posts:
ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 18/01/2014 21:04

Called him on it sorry

OP posts:
fubar74 · 24/01/2014 09:32

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight, sorry to hear this is happening to you, all I can say is be prepared for a very bumpy ride with your DP, they seem to like to bury their head in the sand and pretend its not happening. I really do feel it for you, the other adults in your DSS's life need to be the adults and deal with the situation all together instead of breaking you all apart.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 24/01/2014 22:12

I've got two hopes of his mother acting like an adult Sad and ones called bob

She's coached him and made him pose for photos with the little ones which I know he wouldn't normally do, in an effort to 'prove' he's not capable

Still, not my problem I suppose, what happens with him. I just hope he doesn't take it as a signal that he can get away with that by denial. Heard nothing back from police yet, as soon as I know what's what I can get my son counselling.

As for p, he needs to pull his head out of his arse. A four year old doesn't say what my son said unless something has happened. I believe him 100%, my only mistake was to (gently) over question because I couldn't believe WHO he said did it, if you see what I mean, and the things I heard just made me want to throw up, but I had to keep calm. That is honestly the hardest thing. Second hardest is that he still asks about and mentions dss, and I have to dig deep for a calm reply, p sits there with this 'well if he was abused by him he wouldn't ask after him would he'
err no love that's not how these things work.. Blush

I could just shake dss because he doesn't even know or probably realise the gravity of the situation or the consequences of what he's done Angry on everyone not just himself

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