Your Dps relationship with his kids

[tuffcukkie]

We have no children of our own but my dp has two children to his ex girlfriend. He has had them two days a week (Overnight) since they were very young. Sometimes it feels as if we don't really know them. They have a seperate life with their mother and her partner and it seems there's always that barrier. Its almost as if a niece/nephew relationship with them. My partner doesn't think so but what has he got to compare it to? What's your dps relationship like with his dc? Is it different with your biological children together?

Yes my DH would agree with you and it caused him a lot of heartache, 7 yrs living with your child FT to EOW.

We have 2 children together and DH says it helps now he has other children.

If your DP never had that really close relationship then perhaps ignorance is bliss?

That's what I say to him. He sees pictures of them through Facebook as his ex always tags half of his family in the photos (to make sure he sees imo) so I always say to him just block her and u won't see them. And he says no no matter if it hurts I still like to see what there doing. I don't understand why when it just reminds him he's not there. I'm hoping when we have kids it will take his mind off it. I just don't want him to feel guilty when doing things with ours as it'll just make everything a negative experience with ours and it's not their fault. He got asked to go to dds school play and I just feel as if he feels awkward and weird. Ex tries to push things on him so god knows what she's going to be like when we do have children.

I had been going to post something similar to this recently as was interested in how things were for others. Can relate to OP. My DP has a 16yo and a 14yo and split up with their mum when they were 3 and 5. I became involved with DP around two years later. While they were young and dependent, we were both very close to them- at least it felt like we were. We saw them on a regular basis and DP, I know, missed them terribly when they were not with us.

As they have get older, the relationship has changed. We see them far less often as they prefer to be with friends. This is partly the natural course of things but also is very much enabled by their mum so for instance if there is an important family occasion (where you would normally put your foot down and expect your teen to attend) we are usually met with "It is their decision, they are not coming" etc.

DP is also now last to know about anything significant- if they are ill/hurt or any major achievements.

I know all this has served to make DP feel rather alienated and almost like an Uncle rather than parent. He enjoys seeing them when they are here but has admitted that he feels worn down to the point that he no longer misses them in between contact like he used to and feels more distant from them- like a self-defence thing I think. This is the culmination of the things I have mentioned and much, much more which would be a whole other essay.

We have DC together too and DP says that he feels guilty that he feels so much closer to them. He says he doesn't love the older ones any less but it's the closeness that is missing now. He says it makes a huge difference when you can parent together without interference and other agendas- although I am sure that can happen successfully between RPs and NRPs- it just didn't in his case.

Hopefully as the children get a bit older we'll start to know them more but it's such a big barrier as they have their own life and there own separate family. I know when kids start to get a certain age (12 plus) that they start go out and socialise more and they won't want to come to their dad's on a Friday instead of going pit with friends. I personally at the moment just can't see how u can get a close father/children relationship when he sees them once a week.

I agree. I was thinking about this relating to our own situation and came to the conclusion that if you lived with your teen full-time, then even despite the fact they were off out with friends a lot or generally just being more independent, there would still be more opportunity to maintain some closeness with them- a hurried dinner together, watching the odd tv programme together etc. DP and I do these things with them of course but when it is so infrequent it doesn't have much affect. And it's a vicious circle because when we suggest some adhoc, extra contact they are supported in choosing other activities every time.

Recently, as they get older, I have been wondering how this will affect them as adults. For instance will they come across as quite selfish and never see the importance of being at significant family events etc because they've never been made to do those kind of things? I don't mean this as a generalised statement about step children but just in the cases like ours where the balance between choice vs. mandatory stuff is out of kilter.

A natural consequence that has already started occurring is that younger cousins/babies in the wider family behave differently around DSC due to seeing them so rarely. Eldest DSD was quite put out recently on a rare occasion when they happened to be with us when some family were visiting. My DNephew (2yo) was affectionate with everyone- cuddles/playing etc/ except for DSC with whom he was very shy. But both DSC have chosen not to be there on the last few occasions that we have seen DNephew (who lives fair distance away). DP did say to them after that they can't have it both ways- if they want that closeness with family it does require some effort.

I would imagine his ex is "pushing" things to encourage him to develop more of a relationship with them? He should be excited about going to their school events?

And surely you can see why he would rather see pics of them than not?

Can he request more contact?

If she wants him to do things to have more relationship with them that's fine but what she does is pretend its the kids that says it when it's really her so we find out she's lying all the time but she does it to back him into a corner so he can't refuse. It's not what she does its how she goes about it. And she lives half hour away and my dp works unsociable hours.

So let me get this straight... Your dp is upset that he doesn't see so much of his children... the children's mother is encouraging your dp to be involved with the children. But your dp won't accept this as apparently "she says it what the kids want" but it's actually what she wants.

I don't get it. What does he actually want?

Plenty of non resident dads struggle to get their children's mother to even acknowledge their role as father, he's bloody lucky she's keen!

I think you have a dp/ ex wife hang up myself...

He does but what he doesn't appreciate is the lying. There's plenty of examples I could give and her lying and pretending it's the kids isn't acceptable no matter what she's trying to do

I almost fell over the other week when my lovely 17yr old daughter if she could come over because she hadn't seen me in a while.

This was over the summer school holidays and I had been pretty busy with work.

Never underestimate your children's love for you, it is the most precious thing you can have. If they want to stay in touch, there's no way they can't. Steer your way round their mum, she'd have to be very sure of herself to keep your kids from you.