Question about step-grandparenting

[RodneyTheChristmasElf]

I have been with my husband for 12 years. I have a 20 year old daughter who has high functioning autism so although extremely clever and able is emotionally and maturity wise more like a 14 year old. My husband is the only father she has ever known and he has done his best to be a good dad to her. Up until recently his parents have also been really good and seemed to enjoy being her grandparents. She was the only grandchild they had.

9 months ago my husband and I had a beautiful little baby boy. Our 2 hopes for him are that he grows up happy and that he has a close relationship with his big sister. My IL are over the moon and want to dote on him but it feels like it's at the expense of my daughter and I'm really worried about how it will affect her and ultimately how it will affect the two of them together.

For example my ILs have sent money over for our children for Christmas. They've very generously sent £50 for our daughter. But they've sent £500 for our son, so we can put some away for the future for him. This makes me very uncomfortable because I feel like it's setting up resentment for the future. I'd rather they sent both of them nothing than this. But then I don't know if I'm being strange in expecting them to treat both of them the same. I know there's no way my parents would do this if the shoe was on the other foot.

Is this normal behaviour that I need to get over or are they wrong to do this and if so, how should I handle it?

You said yourself it's money to put away for him and it is his first Christmas so that would explain the larger sum. I personally wouldn't find it strange but you do so tell them if you are concerned about it happening every year.

I would say it is unreasonable to expect grandparents to treat a 20 year old like a newborn. It seems that it is most probably that, explaining the difference, not the fact that your DD is a step grandchild.

That was an example. They've also opened an account for him and have been putting money away each month as well as buying shares in his name. If it were a one off I would understand but I really don't think it is. :(

You know in terms of savings accounts etc I think they have every right to do that for their bio GC but not for step GC. Other small things like Xmas and birthdays, days out and treats I would expect them. Both to be treated evenly.

Op I too find it strange how some step grandparents treat step grandkids. My mum is a step child so she knows first hand what it's like. She treats all her grandchildren the same regardless of whether they are related by blood or marriage (spoils them rotten)
My in laws however do not! Which is why we no longer bother with them and that's their loss!
Tell them op if it bothers you that much then you need to tell them.

Maybe they assume your dd would have been treated by her bio gp when she was younger?

My parents treat my sd exactly the same as my nephews. They are nan and grandad to her and she loves them. My nan also treats her as if she was mine and tells everyone how lovely she is and how my sd likes to call her nan.

I wouldn't be happy if she was treated differently from the other kids in the family. I am her parent in every way supporting her emotionally, financially and practically. I am so happy my family see her the same way.

I think the one off of £500 is ok as a (relatively) newborn gift. Does your DD have any other relatives who will provide for her separately ? If not I think you are storing up trouble for the future. The regular savings and gifts should be split equally between them or refused.

Your DD is an adult and, generally, people are less generous to adults than they are to children, I think. I know we are.

They are being very generous to your DS and the money will help with future expenses - university and so on.

Also I think it's natural - he is carrying their genes and they want to give him the best start in life that they can.

You've said they have a good relationship with your daughter and have always been kind I'm sure this will continue now she's an adult but it will be different. My relationship with family changed when I became an adult. It's the way of the world.

Just to put it in context- when I was born both sets of my grandparents set up accounts with initial large deposits of money in them, adding to them each month for "my future", very similar to what your ILs have done for your son.
Therefore they probably presume that your DDs 2 sets of grandparents may have/did the same, why should she potentially have '3 large gifts' and your DS only 2?
Also, if you wish to split between the 2 DC then realistically is should include anything your DD may be given from her birth fathers parents, who I presume would not be happy about some given to your DS?

I don't think it's unfair or unreasonable for them to put money/savings accounts aside for their biological grandson. It's probably good inheritance planning. I think £50 is a generous Christmas gift for an adult.

My friend is a step mum. Her mum is always very generous and inclusive of the step grand kids, but now she's had her own daughter there is no doubt her mum spends more on her DGD, visits for DGD's birthday when she didn't for step grand kids.

I don't see anything wrong or strange about that.