I think ex is working herself up to refuse Xmas contact...

[balia]

We're supposed to have DSS from 27th - 31st. We're going to see DH's mum & dad, lots planned, DSS very excited etc.

DSS has told us ex has been moaning on at him about it for months and we've now had an unpleasant letter from her about how DSS doesn't want to come, and how she (ex) never gets to do nice things with him and this is the only week of the whole year they can spend together etc.

All contact is court-ordered and she opposed it every step of the way.

Nothing we can do, just wanted to let off steam.

How old is DSS? Just wondering if you could maybe speak to him and see whether or not he wants to come or not.

It could be a case of his Mum "moaning" at him that made his choose not to come but is it possible his Mum actually hasn't been and he's using this as an excuse to not go with you?

OP i sympathise completely, this is the first xmas since 2009 DH will have DSS for xmas. Last year DSS wrote a letter to both parents asking if he could spend xmas with dad. That didnt happen and DSS was gutted. This year DSS told us he was coming here, i am not sure how it came about but i suspect DSS is standing up to his mother a lot more now he is 12.

He has 2 elder half siblings, as soon as the eldest reached 18 he left to live with his dad. The now 16 yo is spending 50/50 with same dad. DSS is often alone at home. Both elder siblings are at their dad's'for xmas. If DSS wasnt coming here he would not be with any of his 4 siblings. Perhaps the ex saw that as unfair and agreed he could come here, i know i would.

If you have a court order she should sick to it, i know that often they are not worth the paper they are written on.

If DSS genuinely wanted to be with you at xmas and is being manipulated not to, ultimately its the controlling parent who loses out in the long run. I say this as a child of a controlling mother who was jealous as hell of my relationship with my dad.

Children do not stay children for ever and will form their own opinions.

If you dont see him for xmas, try not to make him feel too upset by projecting your own feelings onto him. Children do not want to be stuck in the middle of warring parents. You just have to make up for it on other days instead.

DSS is 11. We know he wants to come - the same evening that DH was given this letter he took DSS to football and DSS was excitedly chattering away about the gig we are going to (his cousin is in a band) and how long it has been since he has seen his grandparents. He's not a good liar, and he would have to be to invent the things he has told us. I'm sure he feels terrible for upsetting her by wanting to spend time with his Dad, but he has had to face it before, love him, when he wanted more holiday time and told the CAFCASS officer so - that time she bullied him to tears trying to get him to say he didn't really want to.

We can't get in touch with him as his mum doesn't let him phone us, took the mobile we gave him away, and doesn't answer the phone to DH.

I think you are right, stepmooster he has already started to form his own opinions. He can see that she has the lion's share of Christmas with him and still resents the few days we have.