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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Curious to know how the other side feels

20 replies

K8eee · 20/12/2013 14:50

Dh and I have been together 3 years, married 10 and a half months. I'm pregnant with baby #1 and am just over 6.5 months. Anyway, we announced the news to everyone after the 12 week scan and told dss and dh ex. They've been split up for 5 years or so, but I find it hugely bizarre how dss has taken no interest in his new brother/sister to be and hasn't asked any questions also, I'm just curious to know how other ex partners have felt when their dc step mum has fallen pregnant, and how have you dealt with it. Is it really difficult to deal with? I'm hoping I can sympathise a bit more if I have an idea how both her and he are feeling.

OP posts:

Crazyex · 20/12/2013 15:42

I think it is completely individual... For instance, if my exH were to get his girlfriend pregnant I'd be gutted for my own kids since he has little time and money for the three he already has.

Not much I could say or do however except watch and wait and hope an innocent baby didn't have to deal with what mine have done.

For someone else though it might be a very positive experience.

Frikadellen · 20/12/2013 18:38

How old is DSS? My almost 6 year old was really uninterested in my pregnancy with her youngest sibling.

My friends 13 year old was HUGELY embarrassed about her pregnancy (you know it means daddy and mummy - step mummy in your case- did that S-E-X thing)

It may simply be he is behaving normally and when baby is here he may be interested.

Original poster

K8eee · 20/12/2013 19:10

He's 7, but I'm surprised as he kept banging on about having a brother or sister before we were even trying :-/ and now it's happened he doesn't care. We tend not to bombard him with information about the baby as we don't want him to get too jealous, but the other day dh asked him what he wanted, and he said a baby brother. Dh then said, well what about a baby sister, why do you think? And he turned round and said, well I'll kill you

OP posts:

Kaluki · 21/12/2013 00:27

I think at this stage it is not yet a reality for him. He might be worried that he won't be the only one any more and will get pushed out. I am sure once the baby is born he will be happy and will bind with him/her!
My ex and his gf are trying for a baby now and for me I think it will be wierd to know that there is a child out there who is so closely related to my boys but nothing to do with me. Also if I'm honest I will feel resentful to see my ex being a full time dad to this child when he hasn't been so for mine. I know DS1 is quite disgusted by the idea (he's disgusted by adults in general - he's a teenager!!) and DS2 isn't keen on the idea but I know they would love the baby when it arrived.

TheBrotherHoodOfSteel · 21/12/2013 06:46

My husbands ex has had 2 kids since they split and he just felt relieved she had something else to concentrate on instead of being a pain in the arse to him
We did however feel sad for his kids because they have right royally been shoved to the side and that is just so sad

purpleroses · 21/12/2013 08:04

My Ex had a new baby a couple of years back. In honesty I was far from pleased about the news. I was worried that there wasn't enough space, time or money for it and my DCs would lose out. It's quite likely your DSS"s mum feels similarly and possible she's passed on her fears to DSS. Though also quite likely that pregnancy is uninteresting to him but a new baby will be much more real and exciting.

procrastinatingagain · 21/12/2013 08:17

My main concern was for my own dc, and that he would feel rejected (again) by his dad, and that he would be sidelined, and that he would wonder why his dad didn't want to live with him, hut did want the wonderful new baby. Also thought why do it again if you couldn't get it right last time? Why complicate things? Just stick to doing your best for the child you already have.
And also obviously realised I have to support ds to have a relationship with his new sibling and try not to let him know how negatively I feel about things.
And also glad that at least ds is first in my priorities, if not in his dad's
Bitter, me?

procrastinatingagain · 21/12/2013 08:19

And ds seemed excited about the baby but doesn't mention him much atm. I expect that will change as the baby grows up and becomes more interesting to ds.

Theydeserve · 21/12/2013 14:29

Have to agree with procrastinating.

My DCs feel rejected by their Dad at the best of times. His new DP has 2 kids and they can not understand why he spends more time with her kids and not them.

In their words - they have stolen our Daddy, they have one they do not need two.

When they go round to his new place,(a rarity) they feel sidelined. I hear the old disney dad thing - but they want quality time with their Dad. Happy to do stuff all together as luckily most of the kids get on and play, but they want to do just them and Dad as well - that is not disney, just kids.

Simple things, they want to snuggle up on the sofa with Dad, not allowed to, as he sits next to her always. They want to sit next to him if they go out - not allowed etc etc. They see him so little, I am not saying pander, as rules are rules whatever house and they know that = but the newfamily has to give them some space aswell.

New baby on its way and they are not happy. Eldest is 6 and he said - well that's it Mummy, she has won him and we will get nothing. Sadly I can see that as being true. New baby's stuff has been put in the room they use, they are going to have to move up into the loft - all stuff which just adds to their insecurity.No photos of them around the house - just her kids, they are starting to notice.

Do Ex and his new DP talk about the baby with them? - No. I am left preparing them for the arrival -which I am not allowed to know about when, it is coming, when they will go and see it etc. Her DCS have seen scan pics, they are not allowed to.

AM sure her own kids are insecure as well, but they are exposed to new baby coming stuff all the time - I can see mine have shut it off in their brains, will occasionally come for a cuddle and ask a question, we look on the internet about babies and new brothers and sisters but this is not my job....

Theydeserve · 21/12/2013 14:35

Forgot to add - I do not give a fig about them having a new baby,just how it affects my DCs.

Co ordinating her three kids with 3 different fathers and his with 2 mothers is going to be a logistical nightmare. I know mine will lose out - they already do.

When she moves onto no.4, as surely she will, then it will get even worse. There is a 15 yr age gap between Ex and his new DP,it does not bode well. I will protect my DCs as best I can.

Dwerf · 21/12/2013 14:50

My first ex has two subsequent children (to two relationships), both times I've been quite pleased for him. Bought a congratulations card from me (or the kids anyway). One of them is the same age as my youngest so ds got two new sisters one year (I never use the term 'half- ). His youngest sibling is just a toddler and I get on really well with his mum. I bought him a christmas present last year but couldn't afford to this year (I think ds has). My second ex only has our children.

I know I sound a little smug and very lucky. It took a lot of hard work to get things this harmonious.

sandiy · 21/12/2013 16:57

It's fine if dad is committed responsible and fair.Thats tough going.The problem is when children get sidelined in favour of the new baby or all family activities are based around the new baby.It must be really horrible for children when they are made to feel second best.
In my experience my children loved having a baby sibling but, babys mum got bad post natal depression and it caused significant damage to my children and their relationship with their dad.She literally would not let him spend any alone time with them or money on them and resented maintenance payments.
I did not mind ex having new child but he could not afford the ones he had,so should nt have been having more at that time.I guess in order to facilitate the relationship between siblings don t make it all about the new baby,I know that's difficult especially when a new baby is so exiting for you both but a little thought and effort now will go a long way to maintaining future relationships.

Basketofchocolate · 21/12/2013 17:04

He's 7. 9 mths is a long flipping time.
After divorcing, both parents remarried and subsequently had more children. I was older and had virtually zero interest in the pregnancies. None at all.

No real concept of the importance of it. Doesn't seem fascinating at all.

Was interested in the children when they arrived though.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 21/12/2013 17:14

Hmm. I think there could be 2 things really, firstly at age 7 and especially boys they tend to be totally disinterested in pregnancy and babies even if they have been enthusiastic about the idea - after all, babies are a bit boring when you're 7 and pregnancy even more so - it doesn't DO anything so why would it be interesting to them?

Secondly there might be a bit of worry/jealousy there, and mixed feelings ie he had been interested in the idea but now it's really happening it's a bit strange and worrying. He might be worried that his Dad will love him less or have less time for him or that he will be pushed out.

I think that it would be nice to give him some reassurance that he will always be your DH's son and perhaps even a bit of "As my first born you will always be extra special to me" - as long as this is unlikely to be passed on to the other DC. And then make sure that you do go on treating him as you always have, as though he is just as important and special as he's always been. The example somebody gave above about the stepchildren being moved out of their room to make way for the baby is a good example of what not to do. Might be a total pain if you hadn't pre-empted what would be "future baby's room" and what would be "stepkids' room" but I think it's just worth looking at how they might see it and making more of an effort, to, for example explain why the attic room is better - if it's bigger or better or more "their space", and getting them involved in decorating it etc.

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 21/12/2013 17:16

As for new partners of ex having kids? Didn't bother me at all. I was happy for them. (DS was about 2 when his dad had DC2 so there was no issue on that part, he was too young.)

Monetbyhimself · 22/12/2013 14:19

My kids are completely indifferent about it. But Ex and Ow handled the whole thing appallingly when it came to telling the children. They actually don't refer to it as a sibling at all and given that their dad is refusing to see them this Christmas in favour of OWs family, I can't see the relationship changing any time soon.

Eliza22 · 22/12/2013 17:42

I'd have been happy about it but then, my ds is an only child so, it would have been nice for him, as an adult, I think. He has 2 step sisters and a step brother who don't bother with him much, usually forget his birthday and one of them hasn't seen him for years (her choice).

I would have liked it, for him. There's no animosity between ex, his partner and me.

jenniferlawrence · 22/12/2013 21:28

My stepsons were 9 and 7 when I was pregnant. They didn't know what to expect. They didn't ask many questions. The eldest was actually a bit hostile towards me and the baby. He hit me once, pretending it was part of a game, but I could tell it was about his confusion over the baby. He used to make jokes about killing the baby so I was starting to worry about the baby's safety around him.

Anyway, it all changed as soon as they met her. They adore her. They spend all their time trying to make her laugh. Eldest ss goes in about how much he loves her and kisses and cuddles her all the time. I need not have worried.

Ghirly · 29/12/2013 01:50

My ex had a baby with his new partner when our DS was 5. He wasn't that interested in the pregnancy but loves his new sister. (As a pp also said, I don't use the word "half").
9 months after she was born I also had a baby girl so DS got two new sisters.
I've worked hard on making things settled for DS and as a result I include his other sister in all our family celebrations.
I even invite her to parties for my daughter even though they are nothing to do with each other! I just think it's nice for DS to have both his little sisters together.

The ex seems to favour DS and does not exclude him in the slightest. I guess I'm just lucky the way it's all turned out nicely.
I think it helped just by not making it a 'big deal' to DS.

Family situations nowadays are so complex. I had a laugh to myself when I realised that my ex's new daughter has two brothers with the same name - both my DS and her mums middle son have the same name!

Ghirly · 29/12/2013 01:56

As for how I felt...... Well I always wanted more children after DS so I must admit I was a bit upset and envious at first (until I realised that the new gf would need to deal with the horrific in laws now instead of me!)

It is strange that my son has a sister who is nothing to do with me but I just try my hardest to get along with the new gf and their daughter. To be honest, the fact that we make an effort to get along helps immensely.

The gf has been amazing in the sense that she has the upmost respect for my DS's life with me, his siblings here and she never messes about with contact or anything.

As I said before, I think I'm very lucky.

Flip