Can I please ask for some advice from experienced step parents?

[FuckYouChris]

Hello,

I just wanted to ask how I can support dh in step parenting my lot. We're a family of four and it's not simple.

Ds1 is 14 and was from my first proper relationship when I was 20. He's a lovely lad and has recently met his biological father for the first time (his dad didn't want to know but they are now regularly phoning each other and as hard as it is, ds seems happy and we're both being supportive).

I met XH when ds1 was about 3. We went on to have 2 children who are now 9 ds2 and 5 dd1. XH is a very selfish man and a complete Disney dad, but there have been issues with the welfare of the dcs in his care and so he rarely sees them and when he does it is supervised by his family. Ds1 thinks of XH as his dad, which is fine, but knows XH's failings and is very disappointed in how he's treated them all since we split.

(Sorry for the long history, but don't want to drip feed anything)

Now on to dh. We've been together for 4 years, but he's only been actively in the dc's lives for 2. We got married last year and had dd2 6 months ago. All the dcs adore each other and love their new baby sister etc. so no problems there.

Dh is a brilliant dad. He's supportive and always happy to do anything for them, but also maintains boundaries and is firm. He loves all the children dearly, although his relationship is easiest with the younger dcs. Dd1 adores him. Ds2 also adores him but is careful with his affection as I think he feels guilty that he's caring for someone who isn't his dad. We have assured him that he can love his dad as well as being happy in his new family, and he does respond to that.

Ds1 has so much going on, he's a teen (which in itself would be enough), he knows what things were like with XH in the end (abusive verbally and emotionally), he hates how XH slags me off, he knows how XH has let them all down with visits etc, and is desperate for a proper father figure. He asked me to track down his bio dad, so I did, and now thinks he's the best thing in the world.

Meanwhile dh is at home, driving him to places, helping with homework, paying his pocket money, talking to him when he's having a tough time, and doing all the things a dad should do.

Ds1 does find it hard having someone in the house telling him what to do (dh is careful to ask him to do things, not tell, and explain why something isn't ok rather than tell him off, I do the disciplining for ds1), but has said that he really likes dh.

The difficult bit is arising where ds1 is undermining dh with the other dcs. If he tells them to eat up, ds1 will chime in with "they're going as fast as they can" for example. Nothing terrible, but it does mean that every instruction is met with a counter argument. Which is wearing.

Dh loves them all. It's so unfair that their bio dads are so utterly useless and yet get all the love and affection for no input at all.

This is my whinge by the way. Dh just says he will carry on being there for them all, like it or not. He genuinely treats them all the same as dd2.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking really. I suppose I want to know how to make sure dh isn't undermined, how to make sure he knows that we appreciate everything he does, and that 99% of ds1's taking him for granted is due to the fact that he feels safe enough to take him for granted IYSWIM.

I can't imagine doing what all you amazing step parents do. I have so much respect for the role you play. Any advice at all would be very gratefully received.

In the early days, my young-teen DSD used to try and parent DSS when they were with DH - she would apply their Mums parenting values and undermine DH!

How do you respond when your DS1 does this? I think you might have to make it abundantly clear to your DS1 that he does not have parenting authority in your home and that in your absence it is your DH to whom you have delegated that.
It sounds like you and your DH are already on the same page regarding parenting so it's just a case of ensuring that there is no opportunity or room for your DS1 to muscle in!
I don't think it's unusual or unexpected - teens of his age are experimenting to find their role in life; he's trying this one to see if it fits!

I think the issue is as much about teenagers as it is about stepfamilies.

We have family meetings largely because I am not my stepsons' mother however I refuse to be accountable to a child in my home. So we talk through big stuff like holidays and on a day to day basis they follow my rules. It hasn't been presented to them like that, but if/when they question my authority I'll point out that they get a say but household harmony requires adults to be in charge.

Might a meeting with DS1 and DH work? Establish some ground rules (eg. DH not contradicted when parenting) and responsibilities (eg. DS1 chooses the weekly takeaway)? Give DS1 a voice without taking away from DH.

My DS can be quite similar with my DP - just likes to question everything and argue about the simplist of requests (why does he need to wear shoes in the garden? Why does DP drink coke if he's on a diet? etc, etc). It is largely a teenager thing I think. I know other boys who are just as bad with their own dads.

I can see that DP finds it wearing and think the key thing is to try and back him up whenever possible - either by agreeing with him, or by showing that even if I don't particularly care about whatever DP's asked DS to do, that DP has the right as one of the adults of the house to make the rules.

So if your DP asks the younger DCs to eat up - it's not so much about whether they are or aren't going as fast as they can, it's that your DP is the parent who gets to make that judgement, and your DS is not.

Frogstar I have so far been supporting dh when I'm present. But of course this means that I worry that ds is seeing it as me showing dh favouritism. The main problems seem to arise when I'm not there, I think when that happens ds feels responsible.

It has just occurred to me that earlier this week ds told dd1 to hurry up and eat, and I told him she was getting there and to let her get on with it. The difference being that I didn't say this in front of dd, as I didn't want to undermine ds. He probably felt he was voicing my views to dh, rather than undermining him.

He is very responsible, but I think he's struggling with having a parental or sibling relationship with the younger dcs and then having to be a child to us. This is my fault and the pecking order needs reasserting. We have stated it before and reassured ds that whilst dh does not want to step into the gap left by his dad, that he is an adult in this house and as such will be shown respect and listened to.

Waitinforme I like the idea of sitting down and talking it through. I think that's probably what we need.

On the whole the family dynamic functions incredibly well, I just feel there's a few underlying things that need nipping in the bud.

Sorry purple xpost, that's it exactly. That dh must be listened to regardless. The worry is that the younger two have started questioning him now. I know they're only copying ds1, but it's so exhausting. I don't know how any step parent deals with teens. It must be so hard.

This is as much a teen issue as a step parenting issue. I have a 14 year old DS too. Its a tricky age isn't it. They aren't quite adults and no longer children and don't know where they fit in.
DS1 does the opposite in our house. He tells DS2 off and I have to step in and tell him not to. He isn't DS2s dad and its not his place to tell him off, having said that he likes having the responsibility of being the oldest, he gets a few privileges for this and I can leave him in charge of DS2 while I pop out which they both like.
Like your DS, my DS1 has seen a lot of things I'd rather he hadn't (I got into an abusive relationship when his dad and I split up) and DS1 became very protective of me and DS2 and it took a while for him to trust DP not to be the same.
Give it time, I'm sure things will work out.

Thanks Kal, sounds like it's a common issue then. I shall remind ds1 that when an adult is present they are in charge. He will understand, he won't like it, but he will understand.

It's been made particularly complicated by the fact that when they are with XH it would be ds1 reminding the dcs to get their coats on etc. so in one role he has had to be the parent for the welfare of all and in the other he needs to step back.

Its about getting the balance right with teens - and usually whatever way you do it its wrong
DS2 idolises DS1 and hates being criticised by him, DS1 thinks he is far superior to DS2 and patronises him and puts him down! Cue lots of fighting and bickering and me tearing my hair out and drinking !!!
Your DH sounds great by the way!

Kaluki, ain't that the truth!

Dh is great, he's just fitted straight in, whenever anyone my family have commented on how mad he must be to take us all on, he tells them it's the other way around, and he's honoured that we'd want him to be a part of our amazing family. Smooth talker that he is.

You should have seen his face the first time ds2 told him he loved him

What an encouraging post. I think I will share some of it with my husband to encourage him to stand up for us as parents / adults / the married couple in the house. Too often he's so worried about upsetting DSD and leaves me hanging out to dry. She's craving boundaries and has even asked me to make decisions, but he doesn't back me / speak up for my role. Consequently there's times when DSD has acted more like the other parent. Think I will post separately on this. But a thank you for recognising the lot of step parents.

Cappy, I'm in awe of step parents. You really do do the hardest job in the world. It's so difficult juggling the need of the step parent to be respected and listened to, and the need for the step child not to feel pushed out or rejected, that I think as the parent it's easier to let things go as you can explain to a rational adult much easier than to a hormonal teen. But I think that's a mistake. Dcs thrive on boundaries, and building love for a step parent means building respect for them too. I don't think you can have one without the other.

You've got to back each other up, no matter what.

And to update we had a family meeting last night about showing dh respect and listening to him. They all responded really well. Ds1 brought up an incident where dh had pulled the dog out from under the table and ds1 had said he was mean. Dh didn't hurt her at all, but ds1 argued that he had, which all seemed a bit odd. But it's suddenly occurred to me that XH used to beat our old dog :( never when I was there, but ds1 told me later, and ultimately killed her in a stupid and completely preventable accident when she was only 4, and the dcs were all present.

I think ds1 is projecting some old fears, and whereas he's not safe to voice them with XH, he can assert control over them with dh. Something to think about.

Ooh how familiar this sounds! I am the wicked step mother of 2 plus our own dd. the middle (boy) is exactly like this with his little sister here and 2 little bros at his mums house. 2 things have worked: a rule that you have to be at least 10 years older than anyone else to butt in (obviously only adults then!) on behaviour unless out and out dangerous and the second was suggested by psychologist friend which was no child allowed to give another instructions. So it's really clear who the parents are. We've also always been really clear that different houses have different rules. So, eg in dad's house you can't help yourself to snacks but mum has cookie jar she lets you take from after skl.

That being said, I think it's a general boy thing.

I also think your ds1 feels protective cos of having bad experience so maybe a trust issue

I'm glad that you've been able to discuss it. I wonder if some family or individual counselling would help your ds1 as it sounds as though there is a lot going on underneath the surface for him.

It would be a good opportunity to talk to him about how unkind/cruel/abusive exH was at times and how upsetting it still is about he treated the dog and the incident that led to her untimely death ?

Thanks Chris. I must admit and be fair though I am really fortunate too. Both my DH and do DSD listen to me more often than not. E.g. there was a time when my DSD spoke to me like one of her teenage friends in not a particularly rude, but a slightly "whatever" type way (raised eyebrows etc). I haven't taken offense just seen it as a teenager thing, but my DH has gone spare "don't talk to her like that - what's the problem - say it nicely etc". She felt v bad about it. Other times he's a bit harsh with her and he listens to my private feedback. Then there's times she's a little unappreciative of her dad and I tell her really sweetly (she has asked me to say if ever she's rude - I know!) and she'll usually thank him or apologise for being overly self-centred. So we do look out for each other. But the family meetings, an idea I came across in a step family book too, will help us. We're looking to have / adopt kids - will be interesting to see what birth order changes do to DSD.

What you said about triggers from past experiences is so important too. My DH had a violent dad and I still sense some emotional walls in DH from that. He's been lone parent to DSD all her life and married someone briefly so had the fall out from that. So when he does back off rather than step up, I think it's because he's scared of causing her yet more pain. Anyway I do love and enjoy them both. I focus on being loving, self controlled and thankful and my requests and influences tend to work better then.