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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Fuming....

17 replies

Beccawoo · 19/12/2013 21:37

So I've posted a few times - husband walked out 2 years ago and left me with a newborn and a 2 year old, and moved in with girlfriend whom he'd been having an affair with. 10 years younger, work colleague (cliche?!) 2 years later, despite numerous attempts to get me back which she knows nought about, they are still together.

This week, DS has his first nativity play, which XH says he is coming to. But when I arrive, she is also with him. Am I being unreasonable about being so wound up?! She and I have no relationship, I refuse to allow myself to be in the same room as her for fear of what I may say! I cannot believe he XH would be so thoughtless as to bring her along, taking time off work to do so. She looked completely uncomfortable and out of place, and I sat alone on the other side of the hall and refused to make contact.... :0(

OP posts:

FrogStarandRoses · 19/12/2013 21:56

becca I understand your feelings, because I remember when I saw my DDs SM at one of her events for the first time.

But, I'm also a stepmum and have been invited to attend my DSC events by them - we've talked about their upcoming school play over dinner, practiced lines on the walk to school, sung the songs while driving to the supermarket and they wanted me to be there to see them on the day.

Its been 2 years. Half your DS life - he dorsnt remember a time when she wasn't a part of it. He has an independent relationship with his DSMum - which (unless she is abusive towards him) can only be a good thing for him. A loving SM adds to the quality of a DCs life - she is a bonus and your DS benefits from her presence at these events.
If you feel hostile/negative towards her, it won't be long before your DS picks up on it and I know from experience the damage it can do to a child if they feel guilty about liking someone that their Mum doesn't approve of.

TheMumsRush · 20/12/2013 09:46

This must be very hard for you considering the way they got together. I'm a step mum (not OW) and have been told I'm not to go to school events. It's such a shame as I have a good relationship with my sc, they tell me they love me and I would love for them to have a memory of me attending a school play. I've known my dsd since she was 2 and dss 7. It's been 5 years now.

I agree with frog about negativity being picked up, my dsd is starting to ask question, she asked me if I like her mummy, to which I said of course I do, and she turned to me and said well mummy doesn't like you! These things are creeping into out relationship and it hard for me to see the questioning loyalty holding her back

FrauMoose · 20/12/2013 09:51

I think if we are trying to teach our own children how to behave, how to be polite, how to deal with emotions and social situations etc etc - we have to try and do it ourselves.

I can imagine it being hard to feel relaxed in the situation you describe. But a brief nod, and (small smile) plus 'Hello' is really all that's required. You could always move on to talking genreally about the play.

Kaluki · 20/12/2013 11:23

I hate to say this but I think you need to get over it now.
Its about your DS, not you, your ex or his GF.

It's nice that she was there to support him, she must care for him and like the PP said she has been in his life for 2 years and from his point of view she is just Dads gf, not the OW.
Don't project your hatred of her onto your DS. That's not healthy.

Petal02 · 20/12/2013 11:51

I agree with Kaluki, but understand it's not the easiest situation.

Next time you realise your paths will cross, ensure you'll be looking your best, be polite and dignified, and then you've done the right thing.

purpleroses · 20/12/2013 12:17

I think it was a bit rough of your ex not to let you know that she was thinking of coming too. If you'd known you could have gone prepared and maybe hooked up with a friend beforehand so you had someone to sit with. If he gave you the impression that you'd both be sitting there together to watch your DS, I can see why that must have been a shock to see her there instead.

But I don't think it's really out of order for her to go - I've gone to school plays, etc with my DSC, and took DP with me yesterday to watch my DD in a carol concert. You say your ex has tried to get back with you, so presumably you've decided you don't want him back. It's good to remind yourself of this sometimes I think. You might think the GF is a fool to have him, or has slack morals in having had an affair, but you don't have to like her in order to be in the same room as her from time to time.

Kaluki · 20/12/2013 12:55

I agree with Purple.
He wanted you back, you didn't want him so she has him now!
Who's the lucky one here? Pity her rather than disliking her.

fubar74 · 20/12/2013 13:37

I remember this happening to me at a show my children put on at school, there was me extending an invitation to XH thinking I was being nice, then he brings along his barbie doll who likes to have a go at me... I was all smiles til I got away from the kids then I told him had I known I wouldn't have bothered as it was a one person invite and walked away

Petal02 · 20/12/2013 17:31

I met DH 2 years after his divorce, so I have a clean conscience, but I'm nine years younger than him, and it wouldn't be the first time that someone has assumed he traded his first wife in for a younger model. I get quite touchy about it. Ironically though, it was the ex who actually left DH for a younger man!

lunar1 · 20/12/2013 19:09

I think it's fine for a step parent to go, and let you know in advance so you can prepare.

An ow/om is different. I think I'd struggle not to introduce them to people as the wanker who cheated and the skanky mare he found to cheat with.

I'm not much for the high ground though, they are both real low life's if they thought is was ok for her to go, especially without talking to you first.

pictish · 20/12/2013 19:18

I agree with the rest. Your feelings on this are wholly understandable, but you'll have to accept her presence at these things. She's his stepmum, and he probably likes her. She's his dad's partner. It's to be expected.
Sorry though. xx

NatashaBee · 20/12/2013 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrogStarandRoses · 20/12/2013 19:56

When does a stepmum stop being the 'OW'? Is it when the cheated on spouse remarries?

Original poster

Beccawoo · 21/12/2013 10:17

Thanks for replies. I think maybe had I been forewarned I would have been better prepared! I was expecting to sit with XH, we don't get on great but we can sit and discuss the children, but I'm afraid there was no way I could do this with her present.

I fully appreciate that she is in my DCs life and they like her, and I don't want them to pick up on my negativity - that is exactly why I do not want to be forced to be around her out of my control and in their presence! I may have chosen not to get back with XH - because I no longer trust him and couldn't see what sort of life we could have together - but I am very resentful that my children - and I -will no longer have the life I planned for them because of her. And yes I do pity her but am angry with him because if what he says is true about his and my relationship (we had been together 12 years and his affair was completely out of the blue to me) then he is making the same idiotic mistake again, buying a huge house, tying himself down to someone he can't be entirely happy with (or why would he keep chasing me back?) I can just foresee some awful breakup in years to come for my kids to live through again..... I'd almost prefer it if he was completely happy with her and could accept them as a couple!

Sadly Frogstar, I'm not sure she will ever stop being the OW to me as that is the basis of my knowledge to her. Of course she will not be that to anyone else.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 21/12/2013 11:20

I think to families affected by an affair the ow is always the ow, just as the ex will always be a cheating twat.

stepmooster · 21/12/2013 12:41

Agree my DH will always view the OM as the OM and his ex as a lying, cheating witch. He just learnt to keep his thoughts to himself around the children.

Original poster

Beccawoo · 22/12/2013 10:09

Thanks lunar and stepmooster, that is exactly what I try to do, and exactly why I don't appreciate her popping up in places I don't expect when I am unprepared to keep those feelings under wraps! I do appreciate all those of you saying it's been two years, get over it, etc, and I am sure you are right, but feelings are feelings I'm afraid.

I'm sad that he has the kids for Christmas lunch this year - I have them for the morning - and he is choosing to take them to her parents rather than his own. Sad for his own parents too as effectively it's showing they will never get to see their grand kids on Christmas Day. He seems to be cutting off his own - and my DCs - family for hers.

OP posts:

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