confused about Xmas etiquette

[stepmooster]

This is the first Xmas we are having DSS, we finally achieved it!

We are all excited 3 siblings together and my family and friends all know.

I am not expecting any of my side to have to buy DSS a card or gift, but what I am finding really hard to understand is why when DSS is there in front of them do my friends and family make a big fuss about handing over our presents, then proceed to hand them over to me and not so much as a card for DSS. My friends have known DSS longer than my 2 as they are only babies. DSS comes to 90 PCT of my relatives or friends gatherings, and I always ask first to see if he is welcome and he is.

I have even tried to get my dad to understand not give my 2 presents in front of DSS as it upsets him, when we can do it discreetly if needs be. But no he still does it and he hasn't bothered to write dss name in the Xmas card. Only my lovely sister gets it, and has bought him lovely gifts.

No dss is not my son, but he is my babies big brother, he is wonderful with them and he is a part of our family even if he doesn't live here full time.

I know dss will have 2 Xmas days but surely as parents themselves they should know that handing over gifts for all the family except one in front of said excluded member is going to make that child feel less important and left out. Dss has noticed and does care. He reads the cards and he is not named.

I really don't know how I mention this to my friends. I guess they really don't have any experience of step families because usually they are good caring friends who have stood by me for years.

Is it me am I being unreasonable?

Be very direct- he is your son (albeit stepson) and part of your family. Ask them to put his name on cards and to either buy presents for all your children or none of them.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all, but you may have to say something to them. It's the first year DP and I have lived together at Christmas, and although I sent Christmas cards with our names, my DCs names and his DS who stays with us every weekend, lots of cards came back without his DS named in which he is upset about. It doesn't cross a lot of people's minds, so give them a nudge. X

I would speak to them all, yes fair enough if they didn't know him or see him then maybe but to outright just ignore him is mean. my aunt doesbt buy for my stepchildren she has never met them this is fair enough but my dad and grandparents would not do this they are all treated the same. same spent on them and included in grandchildren cards on both side of family. I think you need to lay it on the line that he is your family and they need to recognise that

My dad wouldn't dream of not giving my dsc anything! Even when he pops over for a quick visit he makes such a fuss, maybe gives them a bit of spending money and hugs and kisses them! My dsd calls him grandad, (her choice). I would tell anyone it's all three or nothing. My sis has a dsd, I make just as much fuss of her too

Ps, glad you finally have them all for Xmas

I think that's a bit rough from your family. My family don't buy for DSC, and DP's family don't buy for mine.

But they have, without exception, put everyone's name on the cards they've sent. The only people who haven't are friends who've never actually met the DSC (and probably can't remember all their names).

I'd also expect anyone you are seeing in person at Christmas and giving presents to to give at least a small gift to any child in the house really. Could you have a word with your friends, and ask them to maybe spend whatever money they were going to spend anyway split between the 3 of them? Maybe they find it hard to know what your DSS would like, if he's a bit older than your babies - you could give a few simple suggestions (chocolates, arty-crafty stuff, whatever he's into and you know wouldn't be expensive). And I guess you can make sure when you give your friends and families cards or presents that DSS's name is clearly signed (by him if possible) on them.

Thats awful. My Dsd calls my mum and dad nan and grandad and my brother and sil aunt and uncle. They buy for her as if she was my own. I had family friends visit for a bbq. They gave my nephews some money and ignored my dsd. I was furious. They weren't even discreet.

I have a friend with 2 step children. I don't know them but as I buy for her 2 kids I buy for the stepkids too. I don't spend much but I wouldn't dream of leaving them out.

I think that's a bit rough. My BIL (husband's brother) has a biological child and a stepson. We always try to treat them equally in terms of gifts. Yes, he will get a load of additional stuff from his dad's side, but this isn't about "stuff", it's about making sure a little boy feels part of the family.

I'd be on top of this pretty sharpish. My DSS has been part of our family Christmases (we alternate each year) for the last 11 years. Not only do my parents send him something, but my DB does, and my DS's GPs do as well. He is part of the family. End of.

Thank your friends for always remembering your DC, but could they please remember DSS as well? You're so thrilled to have him with you for Christmas that you want him to feel that he's part of your family, not a guest. As for your family, you must ask them again to consider your DSS as part of you and your DP's family. He's a child, and doesn't deserve shabby treatment, intentional or non-intentional.

Otherwise, I'm afraid I wouldn't let your Dad give presents direct to your DCs. They have to go through you, and you give them afterwards. Alternatively, you buy a present for your DSS and you write your Dad's name on the gift tag. And tell your Dad you've done it. I would also be adding your DSS's name on any Christmas cards that don't include him, so that if he looks he'll see his name there, and I'd be telling your friends "as you're sure they didn't mean to leave him off".

Yup. Forgery. I'd do it to make DSS happy and feel wanted. And make sure Santa knows he's with you this Christmas - make a big thing of it with him (even if he's old enough to know better, it's a little bit of fun).

I just spoke to my dad about this because he sent individual cards to my children and nothing to DSS. Back in November I asked him if he wanted me to send him some money so he could buy DSS a gift. This came about after him and his GF handed me 2 advent calendars for the babies right in front of DSS. Its not like they can even appreciate the calendars. I had a word and they posted one down for DSS claiming they forgot to pass it over.

I think dad just forgot as I understand he is getting him a present. I shall speak with my friends next autumn so they don't forget. The damage is done this year and we have bought some extra bits for DSS as presents from them.

I suspect I'm going to have to remind dad every year, he really is hopeless.

I'm would defiantly say something, my Cousin has 3 new stepchildren. I bought for them as well as all the other children at our family party last week. My other cousin felt terrible as it hadn't occurred to her to buy for them.

Could it just be an oversight?

It's not an oversight so much, it's social conditioning.

No matter how hard NRP and their partners try to ensure that the DCs are part of the NRP family, that's not how friends/family/society generally see it.

My DD is 50:50, and yet her friends parents aut

.....automatically refer to her as living with her Dad, because he hosts the sleepovers!