Bit OT but....

[TheMumsRush]

Why do people who have no experience of step parenting feel the need to give advice? I understand threads come up in active but you can see the topic. It's not (as with many subject) as black and white as it seems. I see it all the time on SP. I'd not give advice on a subject I have no experience with! Just saying

Many people can have experience or an opinion of a situation without actually having to be a step parent.

In my experience, everyone has an opinion about stepmums - unfortunately, many of them are based on social sterotypes rather than RL scenarios.

Everyone has an opinion about pretty much everything frogsbased on a mixture of experience and perception. that's not unique to step mothers

This jumpinjack? Loooool

Dear Reader,

I have been much maligned as a step-mother over the years and so misrepresented, even I sometimes wonder what is truth and fiction. The sad fact is that people will always believe the child over the step-mother, no matter how outrageous the story and accusations.

Take my step child, Snow White. Ran off and shacked up with 12 men in a squat. Doing so many drugs she thought she could speak to animals FFS. (Lets face it, she didn't get called "snow white" for no reason IYSWIM.) I rescue her from herself with an intervention and a stay at the Priory and what do I hear back? Magic Mirrors, wood cutters and poisoned apples! And people believed her.

However, I know now where I went wrong and look back on those times thinking "If only I had had someone to show me the way". So here it is, dear step mothers. The Mumsnet Guide to being a stepmother. Instead of worrying, just ask "What would Maleficent Do?" and follow these 12 steps to become the perfect Mumsnet Step Parent.

All of the following advice has been given to step parents in one form or another on Mumsnet discussions.

1. You may call yourselves step mothers, because that is what you are.

1. It's wrong to refer to yourself as mother in any form as it detracts from a child's real mother.

1. You should not try to be a mother to a step-child as they already have one.

1. If you don't act motherly you are rejecting the child and this can damage them and cause emotional problems later in life.

1. It is OK to think your own child and the children of your friends and the children at your child's school are horrible.

1. Your DH or DP's Children aren't horrible it is you making them that way as they can sense that you don't like them.

1. You must not declare that you love your stepchild or expect your step child to love you as that is not natural and they already have a mum.

1. You should automatically love your step children and if you can't you are bad and should leave your DH / DP.

1. If the children live with their mum, you should never change any payments of maintenance as it is unfair on the child.

10. If the child comes to live with you, the mum should not have to pay maintenance as it is your job to support them as you chose to be with a man who had children already.

11. You should not distance yourself from your step children as they will sense this and it will make them feel unwelcome.

12. As an adult its up to you to put your emotions to one side and distance them from your step children as showing how you feel will make them feel unwelcome.

You know. Reading this back, I think I can summarise this so much better.

1. Damned if you do.
2. Damned if you don't.

Now, off you go and get back to being Man Eating, Child Stealing Whores

Love,

Maleficent x

sillybilly It would help, for instance, if people who commented on the stepparenting board were familiar with the current professional advice relating to blended familiy situations.

I wouldn't give my opinion on "feeding" or "sleeping" no matter how strong my opinion is about bottles, breast, cosleeping or controlled crying because I don't know what the current professional advice is regarding those issues - it's all changed since my DD was a baby and I could be giving outdated and even dangerous advice if I were to give it.

Some of the suggestions that have been, at times quite forceably expressed to stepmums on this board are totally at odds with the professional advice that many of us have been given. Following outdated, or poor advice regarding stepparenting can be just as damaging to a DC as outdated feeding or sleeping advice.

Yes, that's what I mean youare x

I am not a step parent but I am a stepchild and have been a lone parent so sometimes have a view on a specific issue and will post here. I think it is good to have a variety of opinions and perspectives on threads, and if you limit who is allowed to post here it could end up being a bit insular with lots of posters just agreeing with each other and no views being challenged. I have said the same in the past on Lone Parents when someone complained about non LPs giving opinions.

Frog, you put it so much better than me

Hmm, well i certainly would and do give my opinion on things like sleeping and feeding on those types of threads and i dont believe i am up to date with the guidelines on either topic. I post what worked for me and what i know has worked for friends and family. Same with a step parenting thread, if its something i feel i can contribute to then i do.

That's the one mumsrush!! Sums up attitudes to step parenting on mumsnet. Whenever I see one getting bullied and flamed for no good reason elsewhere on thesite I try and direct them here because at least here steps outnumber non steps and they will get useful advice.

I think experience of a situation is a good starting point, when offering an opinion or advice. I really appreciate the SP board because it affirms my beliefs that we are (often) a little understood, much maligned group of women and there have been times I. The past few years when I've needed all the help I can get. Thanks all!

I don't think that this board should only be for ste parents, but I have noticed quite a few posts recently where it's obvious posters have no idea of even the most common issues and problems experienced in blended families, and it's frustrating to read judgements made in that context.

But I guess this happens on lots of other boards too.

My dds step mother is very nice to her and a fantastic mum to her and my ex's dds
She did (along with my ex) break up my marriage but I am quite fond of her now and have helped them out with childcare when she had the second child.
However, sometimes when I read some of the quite frankly nasty things that people say about their step children and they do at times, I can't help feel defensive for the children as I can't help think if my own.
If that makes sense.

Sorry, I also feel defensive as my dh has taken on four pretty hard work dc and thus we've never had peacefully weekends or baby moons etc. I just feel that's part if marrying someone with dc already.

Ahh whatever happened to Maleficent... she was great

Why do people who have no experience of step parenting feel the need to give advice?

Because sometimes I've seen an issue I'm familiar with and whether there's a step issue or not, there are some basics which apply.

One I recall was where the dc in question had suffered the death of one of their parents; being the adoptive mother of 2 dc who's parents were killed in an accident, I have a keen understanding of many of the issues involved when parenting dc who have been bereaved. The step relationship may have needed to special care, but the bereavement issues I could try and help with.

I think a person (any person, kids step kids or no) can offer advice....doesn't mean you have to take it! I think it's easier to empathise when you have experience. I was referred for counselling following a traumatic event and saw an excellent lady and I'm pretty sure she was able to help me, despite having not experienced that trauma. IYKWIM.

But there is a difference between offering advice and just slating a poster purely for being a stepMum based on your own assumptions.
For example some on here assume we are all homewrecking 'OW', which the majority of us aren't, and even the ones that are still need support and advice - not a right pasting.

This is why Fenton left SP

The trouble is tht there are two different issues really.
The first is hostile posters, the second is posts from those without direct experience.

I don't think separating the board is necessarily healthy, even if it might seem frustrating as it is. I think great support and advice can come from dispassionate contributors of any kind and being too resistant of 'outsiders' can make one too dismissive of a different view iyswim
But I do think more reporting of posters who have a pattern/history of aggresive posting might help.

It's something those of us living with family with SN/LDs have to deal with all the time.

But I do think more reporting of posters who have a pattern/history of aggresive posting might help.

MNHQ rarely delete attacks on SM's - i reported the one that initiated this thread, but it has been passed by them as the right side of a fine line.

I understand that. It's exactly the same with stuff about disability/SN.

I still get frustrated that stuff I personally find offensive is left to stand.
But I hope that if people report then mnhq will continue to review what is reasonable and what isn't.
I think they try to draw a line even if we don't always agree with where the line I'd.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and it does help to be pulled back into line when you've gone wrong (like in my last thread) but some suggestions are so ludicrous I wonder what their intentions are and I'm talking about lots of threads I've seen. Sweeping generalisations of all SM and you can hear the venom in their posts! Can you imagine if I went over to LP and said "well you knew what you were getting into when you had a baby with him!"

Please note, I wouldn't say that, I'd try to be helpful if I thought I could otherwise I'd say nothing at all. People come on here for help, not a kicking when their down. No one knows what the future holds. I may be a LP one day and others may find themselves a SM (you never know). right I'm off for a

I am not a step parent. However my parents divorced when I was 5 and I have had 4 step mothers and 1 step father over almost 40 years now.

Hence I post at times on here. I can give you some comments about what it is like for the child & also what its like for an adult to get a " step mother" (I had just given birth to my 3rd child when my father married step mother no4)

Sometimes the issue is not a step parenting issue as such but more a matter of understanding what is norm for that age child. I am the mother of 4 age 10-16 so again I have experience there.

Imo its worthwhile getting a wide range of experiences.