I'll try to be as brief as I can, without giving need to dripfeed.
I have two SDC's; a 16yo boy and his 12yo sister. I've been an active part of their lives for the last three years; initially by living with them,
and for the last two years they've been resident with us during the school holidays. They would be with us much more, but DP's exDW moved to the children to pretty much the other end of the country, to a place with very poor transport links- realistically due to cost and logistics of getting to a very isolated village. public transport isn't an option. To add to the complication, DP isn't able to drive so it all falls to me. It now takes around 7 hours to get to them, thus having them during school holidays is pretty much the only time it's feasible. We try, whenever we can, to see them in between holidays, but it's very difficult.
Over the course of the last two years, his exDW has consistently told lies about me to the children, his parents, joint friends etc. All of them deeply unpleasant and hurtful- some examples: I have a personality disorder which makes it dangerous for her children to be near me (I don't); I've turned DP against her and ruined her chances of reconciliation (I think she may have done that when she left him for another man. For the second time...); I've persuaded DP that he shouldn't pay maintenance so she hasn't ever received a penny (he pays her more than double what the csa recommend- we do the household accounts together, so I've seen it)... the list goes on. The consequences of it has had the effect of making in making my SDC's become less happy to spend any time with me. It's got so far now that last time the children were here, DSS was telling me openly that he hated me, and hoped that I would slink off and die. That everyone would be happier, my own children included, if I wasn't around. I've got a life threatening allergy to a food, that both he and his mother know about. She, however, claims it's fabricated despite me being admitted to icu with it once. He decided that he was going to test this by taking the foodstuff, and smearing it around all the clean crockery and cutlery, knowing full well what would happen. Luckily DP caught him in the act, and dealt with it appropriately. DSD occasionally behaves in a similar, though less openly hostile manner- she still tells me she loves me, for example, and is only openly unpleasant if I make what she sees as unreasonable requests of her. Things like showering and changing clothes, not wearing dirty, ripped clothes, putting laundry in the basket to be washed etc.
The arrangements for the christmas holiday were that DP's children would be with their mother for the week of Christmas, but with us for the week of New year. We would collect them and return them. At the weekend we got a message from DP's exDW informing us the children no longer wanted to visit us. Dp replied saying, ok, fine, but that we'd still like to come up, give the children our gifts considering it was too late to post them and spend some time with them. It was agreed we'd take them out for the day and then go out for dinner before taking them home.
Yesterday, DP received a very angry email from his exDW, stating that the children were unhappy he wasn't going to spend christmas with them, and that she thought he should camp in their garden for the full two weeks they were off school. Apparently they were also devastated that I would be bringing their Dad, as they wanted it to be just him on his own. DP has spoken to them about it, and said he could hear his ex in the background, whispering things like "Just tell him! Tell him you don't want her anywhere near you! Tell him he MUST come on his own!" The SDC have now decided that it's ok that I'm bringing their dad to see them, but that they want nothing more to do with me other than to use me as a taxi service to take them where they need to go. They might decide that it's ok for me to have dinner with them, but that they can't decide that until the day at the earliest, probably more likely just before they're due to eat....
I'm pretty devastated. I love those children like I love my dc's, and I've put so much time, energy and effort into developing a good relationship with them- it all feels like it's for nothing now; like this is the icing on the cake. That being said, I can't begin to imagine the strain that they must feel, particularly in light of what DP heard last night, and I have absolutely no wish for them to be forced into spending what precious little time they have with their father doing something they don't want to do; hence DP and I have decided that it's probably best for everyone if I do what they want and not spend any time with them other than to pick them up from home, and drop them off again.
So, with all this in mind (and by god I'm sorry it's such an essay), WIBU to include a card from me along with their gifts saying words to the effect of "I'm sorry we didn't get to spend much time together, but I love you both and hope you have a great time"?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.
Step-parenting
Given the circumstances, WIBU to...
15 replies
GoddessofSuburbia · 19/12/2013 11:54
OP posts:
NatashaBee ·
20/12/2013 17:58
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.