Feeling really upset for dd

[youmakemydreams]

Spoke to ex tonight. There is a looooong back story of him being useless and doing less than minimum re our 2 dc.
He is remarried with dsd the same age as our dd (10) and a little boy of 2.
The difference in treatment of the dc is huge.
He told me tonight that they have got his dsd 1D tickets for christmas and our own dd a bike helmet. Dd is a huge 1D fan. She would have loved to go with her stepmum and sister to the concert. Or if they didn't want that they could have told me and I'd have paid for my own ticket and they got dd hers and I'd have taken her.
I know it seems petty to be upset but I'm a stepmum too and try to be as inclusive and fair as I can be when it comes to big things like this and it just feels like the last in a long line of the dc being treated like visiting cousins rather than being with their father and siblings.

That's really sad and I understand how you feel.

My ex told me yesterday that he couldn't see ds over Xmas as he's going in holiday with new family. He has seen ds for 30 mins in over 4 months because he's been "working".

I think all you can do is do the best you can for dd and build memories for her yourself. The danger is that you can start to resent the step kids who you include and who also have another parent to include them too.

That's sad for your as. Hopefully he won't notice and have a great Christmas with you.
I wouldn't mind so much if they even gor his time but they don't. He hasn't even seen them 12 times this year he can't even stick to once a month.
I've been the one compromising for 5 years. Just can't do it anymore.
Dd thinks the world of her stepmum and sister this is going to hot hard and feel like a snub. She's already cynical about her dad.

I know it's not really the point but can you get your dd and yourself 1D tickets? He doesn't deserve to have the sting taken out of his thoughtlessness but of course your dd does. I appreciate they're not likely to be cheap, however.

They are sold out. I really couldn't have afforded them.
Closer to the time I'm hoping some appear in the local paper or something. My mum has said she will pay for them if there is.
I will try so hard to get her there.

Such a shame. I really hope you can get some. I can't believe how callous your ex has been, what a complete shitbag :(

Is it bad I took pleasure in him being called a shitbag?
Oh I could give you a list. He lied about getting a better paid job for nearly a year before someone else told me so he could avoid paying more maintenance. That was one of his finer moments.
I've done things like driven a 2 hour round trip with 2 hours notice a request made by his wife so the dc could be there to surprise him on his birthday. Cancelled a weekend away with friends we no longer lived near because he had booked and paid for a holiday that overlapped. Rushed home from a day out with my youngest ds because he dropped them off 2 hours early and they were worried when I wasn't home.
I've tried to ask him to give them more of his time and he just won't. They only get a thought if it's something that's going to make him look good in front of his wife and her family.
Just can't do it anymore. Can see this ending up in a solicitors hands next year. I'm nor prepared to engage anymore unless it's via email. He just makes me so angry.

I think the tickets were probably bought by his new wife in all innocence, like a special night out for her and her dd, probably nothing to do with him.

I bought 1D tickets for me and my dd, my dsd is 15 this week and a rock chick, I didn't think for one minute she'd he interested in going, as it happens she'd love to have gone and it's left me upset as I'd have loved her to go with us. Be even considered just the two of them going and me sitting in the car park with a book but it's at an arena and dd us only 8, I'd be too nervous.

I totally get the special night out thing. I really do. But even a bit of a heads up that this was happening would have been nice. Or an offer to buy dd a ticket for the concert giving me the option to get one for myself to be the one to take her. Dd really adores her stepmum and het and I get on well too. She was an amazing support when my stbxh left me last year. It just stings a lot.
I'm going to tell dd myself. For a couple of reasons. 1 my dd is good natured but a bit dramatic. If I tell her I can deal with the tears give her the chance to calm down and be happy for her step sister rather than her being at his next week and spoiling it for what will be another excited little girl whose fault this isn't.

I can see how the wife could not have foreseen when his birthday was going to come up and made arrangements in advance (and frankly it doesn't seem likely he would be that bothered if his dc were there to surprise him on his birthday anyway).

Sounds like you need to move things on to a more formal footing. At the moment he is just coasting along doing the bare minimum when he can be arsed, and assumes that you are available 24*7. It's not co-parenting.

Op I am on your position but a few years down the line with dd16 and ds13. I fully understand your anger and pain on behalf of your dd. Let her become cynical if that's her way of minimising the hurt.

You are lucky she's a girl, as in a short few years time he really, really won't figure in her thoughts as her friends and social life become her world. It's more my son who suffers now. I've told my ex they will never forget his neglect as children, and hopefully won't be there in his dotage, the tosser

OP, you say you get on well with your ex's DW. Can you talk to her about this, and find out a bit more? Could you tell her how disappointed DD will be? You may even find there is a back story to this e.g. her DD's parents bought it for them to go, or something like that.

I did consider it UC but from talking to him last night there is no back story no big surprise from grandparents this was just what they decided to get one of the 10 year old girls and not the other.

I agree about the more formal footing. I have told him now that any communication him and I have is via email so everything is documented. That he needs to make a proper Long term commitment to contact I will no longer accept an ad hoc month to month when it suits him basis.

aroundtheworld he already doesn't factor into her plans really. She doesn't get excited about going to see him it's her stepmum and sister and baby brother she visits to see. Which is also why I think this might hit her hard. She has friends going to 1D and is happy for them. This is very different though.

Meant to say he did admit it had never even occurred to him that dd would be upset or that she may possibly get the same. She never asked apparently. But she also never knew it was an option.

So essentially he doesn't even know she's a 1D fan. And it's not like it's hard to guess which bands a 10 year old girl would like (even if they didn't have another one with similar musical tastes). What were the odds she was a massive Streisand or death metal fan? Not exactly high.

Callous tosser.

I think it's really shitty of all of them. And you sound lovely to think of telling your dd early so she is prepared so as not to upset her step sister.

Can't believe he would think so little so his dd.

He doesn't know them at all. When he told the dc (5 days before) he ws getting married I told him not to ask dd to take her glasses off for the wedding. She's had them since aged 2 needs them and had never been self conscious about them.
When he gave me some photos of them after the wedding she wasn't wearing her glasses he said she had chosen to remove them and leave them at hotel in case they got broken.
I replied that no she hadn't she never takes them off. Wouldn't occur to get to take them off to go on a trampoline so a wedding?? Dd told her dad when asked step mum had put this in her head and told her to leave them off

Well I told her her reaction may have been on the dramatic side but she was genuinely upset and kept asking me how that was fair. Her little brother keeps telling me he's gutted for his sister.
She doesn't get it because to her they are sisters have been for 5 years. She doesn't get why one gets it and one doesn't.
Tbh I can't gloss this one over for her. I have to agree it appears unfair. Now she has calmed down I have had a chat with her about how excited she would feel if it was her and that her step sister didn't do anything wrong and to feel happy for her.
So to soften the blow we are going out to a local Christmas street thing with carols, Santa and real reindeer. She is looking forward to that for now.

What an awful conversation :( :( I'm not surprised she is genuinely upset - I'm genuinely upset on her behalf!

It is grossly unfair, and cruel. I think you should tell your ex - not because it will make him care, but in the hopes that he will attempt to be discreet or sensitive about it over Christmas. To add insult to injury, I can imagine her step-sister will also be very upset when she realises, and it will take the shine off both for the one who gets to go and the one who doesn't. What a stupid, unnecessary way to hurt children's feelings.

What a bastard!!!
I can't even take my kids to the cinema without checking if the dsc want to see the film first and we spend the same amount on all 4 of our dc at Xmas which is the only fair to do it. The worse thing that can happen is for the children to resent each other and your stupid ex is going to fuel such resentment which will only cause problems for himself in the long run!
Your poor little dd .

WTF was she told to take off her glasses?
Sounds like the less she sees of this idiot the better!!!