My DP is totally over reacting about my DS

[louby44]

He is quite strict and has high (too high) expectations about their behaviour.

He is constantly moaning about my DS10 weeing on the toilet seat, his table manners (they aren't good) but it's how you speak to kids isn't it? He moans about stuff being left about in the den (xbox/tv room) he stopped them from eating/drinking in there - which is fine as they are messy. But he's surprised when they bend the rules? Which kid doesn't! They are just being kids and talking to other mums I know that all of this is totally normal.

He seems to think that once he's told them off about something, that's it, they shouldn't do it again. He hasn't lived with his own 2 DD for 7 years now and they are both 14 & 16. He is totally out of touch with how his own children behave - even though his ex is often on the phone telling him that she cannot cope with them anymore. His own DD behaved terribly on holiday but he still sees them through rose tinted spectacles.

He's come in from work tonight and we've sat down to eat, DS10 trumped during the meal and my DP just gave DS10 a filthy look, said he wasn't eating with us and stormed out.

He needs to take a reality check. Tell me if I'm wrong and I'll admit it but I'm really hurt by his constant moaning. If his DD lived with us he would have a VERY BIG shock!

He's a kind and considerate man and he does do nice things for us all but he still thinks he's in the bloody army!

Good, I'm glad to hear he could talk about finances properly and you came to a sensible conclusion. It sounds as though he has accepted your decision without becoming nasty which must be a relief.

Well done, you sound as though you're handling it all really well.

I am handling it remarkably well which surprises me.

I keep remembering little things over the years that have happened that I often thought were odd....his DD reaction when she knocked a drink over not long after we'd first met, she was terrified and I was very confused, it was just a drink, wiped up - sorted! He once told me his dad would go mental if a drink was knocked over when he was a kid.

A couple of years ago my boys came home after being playing out all afternoon, one of them had fallen in the stream and there was mud all over the floor - again, total over reaction, moaning. Mud got wiped up, child put into bath - sorted! They have done this numerous times, mud + boys = mess, but they are just kids having fun! his reaction was always the same.

Not once has he said 'can we talk about this, can we try and sort it etc' he obviously wants this as much as I do.

I still feel very sad and confused.

It will help so much if you can work out the logistics in a fairly sensible manner. I hope you are not tempted to respond to any of his Facebook nonsense. It's natural to rehash everything over and over again. However sensible you are (and you sound really sensible ) you are bound to all over the place

It's good that your parents are supportive.

Good luck with everything

It's so sad. Whenever DH breaks anything he gets horribly upset. I could never understand it - accidents happen - until I found out that his parents response was to shout and call him stupid and clumsy and make him pay for whatever was broken out of his meagre pocket money. He dropped a cup full of tea when he was 9 and it broke. Instead of worrying if he'd cut himself or burnt himself they hurried in to shout at him for being a careless idiot. They are utter shitheads. The difference is that he would die before treating anyone else in that way. Some people end up treating others the way they were (mis)treated. You can't break the pattern for him.

No he has obviously continued the pattern and then the army has re-instilled even further patterns.

And although a number of the things my boys have done over the years have needed to be dealt with, his way of dealing with it has often not been my way.

He actually makes things worse. Situations escalate that are frankly silly.

I am very sensible. I'm a teacher and methodical and organised.

I shall miss my life with him very much. We used to run together, go away for walking weekends. had lovely holidays with the kids and on our own. When there were just the 2 of us life was so easy, idyliic really. But I would be waiting for 5pm Sunday when my boys would come home from their dads and tread on egg shells for a week!

Good luck Louby, you sound very strong & doing the right thing for you all, its sad for your exDP, but from what you have written as updates, he obviously has deep seated issues to deal with which just don't allow him to have a healthy relationship with DCs, but is a grown up & therefore is capable of facing up to that & doing something about it.

I was wrong in my earlier reply as there was so much you missed out of your OP & I hadn't seen your earlier posts, so I didn't see the bigger picture.

Hope it all runs smoothly for you & you keep on keeping strong - it's likely to be a big relief, living your life walking on eggshells is exhausting, you will have moments of sadness no doubt, but you won't ever regret it

I did make an appointment in October with a counsellor for both of us as I knew we needed to do something, but he wasn't really keen and then I had to cancel because he went away with work. He never pushed me to re-arrange it. I wonder if we'd still be together now if I'd really pushed the counselling and we'd attended and set the wheels in motion to address these issues.

He doesn't think he has a problem, he thinks it's all my boys. I have a niece and nephew aged 8 & 4 and he is lovely with them, tickling them, being silly - he has NEVER done that with my boys- even when we first met and my youngest DS was only 4. It's as though he resents my DSs and I know that other peoples children are difficult to get to know but DS10 was so cute when he was 4, how could he not want to try and form a relationship with him?

He has been the only man since I divorced my ex-husband that I introduced my boys to and I genuinely thought he was going to be the man to support me and help me bring up boys - he encouraged me to be much stricter and set boundaries, and I thought we would help each other to be better parents. Obviously my parenting style wasn't regimented enough!

Thanks for letting me spill my thoughts out on here.

Hi Louby

I had my first couple counselling session this morning. It was enlightening. We are going to continue. If you want to save your marriage, I would seriously recommend at least one counselling session. I personally feel much better now that is everything is out in the open.

Lots of loves and hugs xx

Hi Relunctant

This relationship is beyond saving I'm afraid. The man I've been living with for the past 5 years is an absolute idiot.

He's put a password on the ipad so no one can go on it! He refuses to acknowledge he has a problem.

All week we've skirted round each other but last night (Sat) we had all 4 kids here and I said we need to be normal with them. So the 2 of us sat in the lounge together watching TV. I tried to talk to him but he is in complete denial, he doesn't think he has done ANYTHING wrong; his face takes on this really nasty look and it's really quite amusing. He has a real nasty side to him.

If we talk about normal stuff he goes back to being Mr Nice Guy. And to think I did contemplate suggesting counselling...no way!

On the positives in my life DS10 went for an audition yesterday and has got into a an amateur youth production of Bugsy Malone!!! I've just got the email and cried I am so proud!

So sorry to hear that Louby, I wish you all the best. DH and I aren't talking now either even after a great counselling session. Waste of money in hindsight!

Well done to your DS, how great for him! I am in Am Dram myself and currently in rehearsals, massive part, which I am now regretting!

I hope you get through this, you sound like a strong lady xx

Hope your speaking to your DO now reluctant. Shall you continue with the counselling?

3 days respite for me as my exP is away with work. Get to sleep in my own bed - I had de-camped to the spare room but it isn't the same. I do miss our bed and of course I miss him.

I have begun to sort finances out, moved direct debits, cancelled savings accounts etc. I've tried to change the mortgage to interest only but they will only do this if you're in dire straits, pity. Two estate agents coming on Wednesday afternoon.

I've told all family and friends and have had to.block him on Facebook as he was posting things that were set to upset/provoke me. I just don't need to see that.

I'm sorted for Christmas and New Year so just have to cope with the bits in between.

Can't believe it's ended but I know deep down its for the best. I should have ended it before but I kept hoping things would get better.

I'm a bit of a latecomer to this thread but you ABSOLUTELY are doing the right thing. Your dp is my dad to a t but my mum did not leave him until I left home (I was sent to live with my in grandp in another country at 16 as she could not bear to see him start on me as he had my older sister who left home at 17 and chose an abusive bf over staying at home. Not sexual abuse just constant, constant negativity, moaning 'this cup has been on this draining board since I left for work this morning!' having to do a quick blitz of the house before grumpy gets home. I hated him brunt in the house because he changed the atmosphere. I don't remember a SINGLE positive thing he ever said. no 'well done, I'm proud of you' ever that I remember. Not one.

As adults we have a crap relationship now because he hasn't changed. He still sulks. He has had therapy but he won't ever change.

I wish my mum had been as brave and decisive as you are being. Maybe if she had had mn she would have. She didn't leave until she had an affair (not a callous one, a pathetically needy, emotionally dependent, desperate woman kind. it gave her the courage to leave but broke her too as the man did not love her).

dad had constantly accused her of affairs before. called her the town bike for years before she ever gave him reason to worry.
He was a vile mean man who was unhappy in himself and would try to drag others around him down.

I am glad I don't have to see my dad anymore except one a year. which anyways had me feeling uneasy and unhappy until it's over. At least your DSs won't have to see him again after this. With my dad were my step dad, too.

After she left, my mum was erotically vulnerable but happier herself. She became a single parent to my then 9 year old sister and they have the closest relationship now. dsis avoided the constant misery from dad but she despises him too. In fact won't be in the same room as him unless we are all there to make his company bearable.

You won't change this man and I wish you a happier future with your boys. You three deserve it.

erotically vulnerable? emotionally vulnerable!

My exDP has read all of this!! But would say it all to his face and I have over the past few months one way or another.

He didn't love me enough to try with my boys! Maybe if he had things may have been different.

Maybe if I'd backed him up a bit more things may have been different.

"Maybe if I'd backed him up a bit more things may have been different."

You mean he would? No. He wouldn't. You cannot change anyone else's behaviour or responses. You can open the door but they have to walk through. He is on his journey, you are on yours, it doesn't sound like they are compatible. Have faith :)

Tanya that's so true. So many people told him to try with my boys - he didn't!

Well done louby! Discipline and good behaviour is important but NOT more important than a warm and loving environment.

DH was a little like your chap for a few years - it took his affair and a long and painful reconcliation to get him to address his attitudes and foo issues. It is telling that I never seriously considered ending our marriage over the affair but his attitude to the children nearly did it several times. Things have improved a lot - it's like someone opened the curtains and let the sun in. If that isn't going to happen with your family I think cutting your losses is the best course of action. Good luck x

He says he's fed up of papering over the cracks, but I wonder why the cracks have appeared in the first place. He could have been a real friend to my boys, he loves mountain biking, cars, scalextric but never encouraged the boys to do anything with him. He has a box of scalextric that has sit in a cupboard for 5 years, my boys would have thought he was wonderful if they could have played with that together, but no, they were told, hands off!

It is SO difficult; he was so good for me in many ways but my boys come first now!

Onwards nd upwards louby.you will get there in the end.just re member that during this roughtime.:-)

Why has he read all of this? What a low thing to do - git.

It's a shame that you are losing the 'good' bits of him/your relationship - but really, he has been horrible to your boys and that means he isn't a nice person - your life will be much better without him in it, really it will x

He should move out while you get the house sorted out.

He can't afford to move out unfortunately. It's all a bit of a mess. My boys are being so good, keeping out of his way. They are the only things keeping me going.

Luckily I have a fabulous family so Christmas will be happy and stress free.