My DP is totally over reacting about my DS

[louby44]

He is quite strict and has high (too high) expectations about their behaviour.

He is constantly moaning about my DS10 weeing on the toilet seat, his table manners (they aren't good) but it's how you speak to kids isn't it? He moans about stuff being left about in the den (xbox/tv room) he stopped them from eating/drinking in there - which is fine as they are messy. But he's surprised when they bend the rules? Which kid doesn't! They are just being kids and talking to other mums I know that all of this is totally normal.

He seems to think that once he's told them off about something, that's it, they shouldn't do it again. He hasn't lived with his own 2 DD for 7 years now and they are both 14 & 16. He is totally out of touch with how his own children behave - even though his ex is often on the phone telling him that she cannot cope with them anymore. His own DD behaved terribly on holiday but he still sees them through rose tinted spectacles.

He's come in from work tonight and we've sat down to eat, DS10 trumped during the meal and my DP just gave DS10 a filthy look, said he wasn't eating with us and stormed out.

He needs to take a reality check. Tell me if I'm wrong and I'll admit it but I'm really hurt by his constant moaning. If his DD lived with us he would have a VERY BIG shock!

He's a kind and considerate man and he does do nice things for us all but he still thinks he's in the bloody army!

It does seem a bit tit for tat tbh. I would go mad about peeing on the loo seat too and I have been known to leave the table when DSD thought it was hilarious to fart and burp her way through a meal.

But you are expected to put up with his DDs and their appalling behaviour and habits while he is so intolerant of your dc (I remember your other thread about the holiday and DSD refusing to see you because you told her off).
Also I do think that some of your problems stem from the difference between two lively young boys and two teenage girls. They really are so different, I can cope with my boys fighting and squabbling but DP struggles with it, whereas I find DSD can be quite sneaky and manipulative and the endless chatter and girlyness can drive me insane when I'm not in the mood for it.
The only answer is to sit down with DP and talk to him and set new house rules and both compromise a little, you need be a bit stricter with your boys and he needs to lighten up a little. But if he won't talk or admit there he has a problem too then this situation will just make everyone miserable.

Your DP sounds just like my DP. I have often remarked that it's like living in a military regime. My Dp also has a daughter (now grown up) but he has never lived with her and is totally unrealistic about kids.

We're a bit further down the line as my DS1 is now 20 (still at home) and we have a Ds2 together. In my own experience the situation has just got worse and worse. Dp's critical nature has just increased to match the challenging behaviours (normal) from Ds1. He refused to go to couple counselling until very recently when virtually forced (by me). Our lives have been intolerable for the last couple of years and we are really at the last gasp trying to save something of our relationship (as like your Dp he is not a bad man at all). An example of his behaviour is that last night he hid the remote control from Ds1 so that he couldn't watch TV after we had gone to bed.

I wish I had addressed the issues earlier. I tried but I wish I'd forced the issue as now I feel that my Ds1 has really been damaged by DP and that it's my fault.

So my advice would be to try and force the issue now before it escalates.

Just so you know, I wouldn't find that acceptable behaviour from a 10 year old either. And yes, I would expect anyone over the age of about 6 to leave the table to fart. Or, if it caught them by surprise, to be profusely apologetic.

However, he sounds like an arse in other ways, even if he's right about manners.

Louby I have sent you a private message as some of what you say resonates with me very strongly, but I don't want to "out" myself.

However, it does sound as though you may need to set a line in the sand, try to discuss with DP - and ultimately if he will not bend/discuss/modify his behaviours, then I don't see much hope. You may both need to compromise. TBH I don't think it's acceptable at 10 to fart at the table either, but if you do, then there should be no laughing, just an apology for being rude. A 10 year old shouldn't wee on the toilet seat either. My 7 year old clears up if he over-pees. But nor should a teenaged girl leave blood on the seat (boak).

However, I think there is more to your frustration than these things - they are the tip of the iceberg, and if it was only these things, they wouldn't register on your radar as problems. It's just that in the context of other things (let me guess - constant criticism, harsh tone of voice, no interest in their activities, no interest in academic progress, no affection, shouty tone of voice, always saying no rather than yes - so that most of his interaction with your DCs is negative?), the complaints you've made today are like the straw breaking the camel's back.

Bideyinn, your post was so .

UC your post is also spot on. I'm still at work but will reply fully later.

I'm sick of walking on egg shells. There is much, much more that I haven't said. I know I have issues but at least I recognise it and want to do something about them he, whereas he thinks my boys are the complete problem - not him. I think we are ALL a problem making one big problem.

What a mess!

The past 24 hours have been a major wake up call for me. I didn't sleep at all last night and have had a full on day at work so I'm shattered.

I have realised we are constantly surrounded be negativity in this house. My DP moans about everything. He never says anything nice to my boys. Infact DS14 can't remember when DPe said something other than telling him off. He won't let them play football in the garden, moans if they mark the walls, he speaks to them civily but with no warmth or affection...I could go on & on. I've had enough. He has anger issues and is convinced I'm having an affair with my ex-husband - how I manage that is beyond me. I've had enough! Why have I wasted nearly 6 years of my life?

I've tried so hard to work this out in the past, I just can't do it anymore. We have a big mortgage and have just bought a new car (on loan). I don't know how much our house is worth and splitting will be awful. He will be vile about it.

What a fab Christmas!

Next Christmas will be better though.

Louby. I have no advice but just wanted to offer my MN support.
It's such a sad situation but hopefully things will work out for you and your DC. You need to be clever now. Think carefully about how you approach things.

Good luck.

You will get through this Louby

It won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.

Thanks! He's come in from playing squash and hasn't spoken to me. Now in our bedroom probably watching football.

I don't want animosity, I hate it but he will just make my life hell. He won't be decent and mature about any of it. God knows how we will divide everything up as we have joint finances for house type day to day living.

I've had a little cry but strangely feel ok. Certainly not like I did when I split with my exDH!

Your situation reminds me of my second marriage - my ex was cold and hostile to my children and myself. He would get irrationally angry if the kids left the circle of foil from the milk carton on the kitchen counter, just as an example.

It was only after I chucked him out that my eldest admitted that she used to do it deliberately, just to wind him up as it was the only way she could 'rebel' against him. I wonder if your kids are doing the same?

Nobody can live like this, love. Get rid. It'll be horrible for a while but it'll be worth it to be able to relax in your own home.

Another sleepless night. I decided to sleep in the spare room, I just couldn't bear lying next to him.

Luckily we have a big enough house to avoid each other quite a bit. I can't believe it's come to this. I feel sick & shaky.

What do I do about day to day things, do I still do his washing and cook meals for us all or close ranks. I don't want to be petty but he will be unbearable to live with now.

Have you told him you want to end it?

If so then he does all his washing etc and you do yours and the boys

If you haven't told him get all your documents together, get some money out if the joint account and into your own

You know the script when you do tell him? The anger, telling you you won't cope by yourself, then crying promising to change

Yes this Christmas will be shitty but you will have many better ones

Hi Louby, stay strong. It sounds like thus is a big relief for you.

When you tell him, try to stay calm. If he gets angry try not to retaliate, calm all the way. Is there anyone who could be there in case it gets nasty?

Some practical things - get busy to get your mind off the emotional side, so:

If you work, get your wages paid into your own account not the joint one. If he can discuss it sensibly, then work out exactly how much needs to go into your joint account to cover the mortgage and essentials until you can work out the house.

Make an appointment with an estate agent to value your house so you know where you stand.

Will you have to live there together until you can sell? Or could one of you buy the other out? Move into the spare room.

Protect your DCs. I would tell them that it's happening if I were you, but keep it simple - that you and DP are going to split and you'll be your little family of 3 again, that they mustn't worry. And that it IS NOT THEIR FAULT. If they are used to being told off all the time they may think it is their fault.

It will be hard but I bet you actually have a better Christmas as a result. Can you go elsewhere?

Sorry so long! Good luck. X

So sorry Louby. It seems like you have had that 'lightbulb' moment and realised that these problems can't be solved by you alone.
I have followed your posts and can't help thinking that your DP has had this coming for a while now.
So now you need to prepare things for yourself and your boys. I would be sorting out your finances now as by the sound of it he won't make life easy for you.
FWIW I think you are doing the right thing for yourself and your boys and they will thank you for it.
Good luck

Louby, you have been amazingly loyal to your dh on all your posts. You are totally the bigger person here, just want to wish you and your boys well and lots of strength to cope

Thank you all so much for your posts. I've arranged to have the house valued next week. He hasn't said one word to me since Monday evening.

I have text him though and told him initially that things needed to change and we needed to reach a middle ground regarding our differing parenting styles. He replied with "what's the point, nothing we do makes any difference to the boys". I told him I would arrange to have the house valued, to which there was no response. I also told him he has a problem with jealousy, anger and communication and until he acknowledges this nothing will change. Again no response.

I told him I don't want to live this life anymore and I want out.

We have a large 5 bed house so neither of us could afford it on our own. Luckily my equity from my previous house is ringfenced (thank god the solicitor suggested it) so once we sell I have a large amount to put down as a deposit with a smallish mortgage. I've done it once I can do it again. he however will have very little.

I've text him again this morning to say that once he is willing to talk like rational, mature adults I will listen and that we need to get through Christmas and we have 4 children who need us. I'm not holding my breath. He is a prat!

I;ve told my DS and they are shocked. DS14 asked if it was because of them and of course I said no. Strangely they have been very well behaved since - it won't last..lol

Well done OP, sounds like you're doing really well.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you end up with a happier home at the end of it.

Whilst your DP does sound like a prat I would expect a 10 year old to behave and listen/respect an adult

I look after a just turned 6 year old boy.

high expectations of behaviour

He is constantly moaning about my DS10 weeing on the toilet seat

DC 6 does not wee on the toilet seat and if he does once in a blue moon he is moaned at - it takes seconds for the child to clear off and he is made to.

his table manners (they aren't good)

DC 6 can and will sit properly at the meal table - talk/thank adults for meals, wait until everyone is at the table before starting, converse, knows not to burp/misbehave etc however has to very occasionally be reminded [which he shouldn't have to]

He seems to think that once he's told them off about something, that's it, they shouldn't do it again

On most stuff I think I should explain why it's not acceptable and for it not to happen again.

DS10 trumped during the meal and my DP just gave DS10 a filthy look, said he wasn't eating with us and stormed out

My 6 year old would be told very firmly that that was inappropriate and made to apologise.

:( well done though, you'll be so much happier

Well done Louby. The stony silences speak volumes. Well done speaking to your DCs too.

Onwards and upwards. You will be more than fine in a very short time I'm sure. Great advice from your solicitor re ring fencing the equity from your old house. Now you can start looking for a new happier home.

Keep strong and smile! X

I posted on the relationship board and got a right roasting. I probably deserve it though. I am ashamed that I have stayed with him for so long. The more I keep thinking about his behaviour the worse I feel and I truly feel I have let my DS down.

I've talked to my parents about it tonight and they have told me about incidents they have seen that they haven't liked regarding my DS & DP.

Of course my parents didn't interfere but have been concerned. They are not surprised that we are splitting up. Thankfully they are wonderful people and very supportive.

DP hasn't spoken or responded to the text I sent earlier about talking, but I haven't spoken to him either. He has put something on Facebook about 'smacking never hurt me as a child - it gave me a condition called respect' - which is aimed at me. Priceless.

Thanks again for your support.

How are you Louby? I don't often think about other MNers during the day, but I did think of you yesterday. Hope you are still strong. Any iota of communication from him?

Thanks UC for thinking about me.

He did sit down with me last night to talk about finances/bills. I have control of all our money as we have a main joint account. I have always found this strange, that he would be so trusting, as his ex-wife took quite a bit of money from him.

He wanted print offs our 2 banks accounts which I found very amusing as I am nothing like his ex and would never take anything from him. he doesn't know the login details for our account - I've told him many times but he just was never interested.

So we will have our individual income paid into our own accounts and then transfer an equal amount for bills into the joint account.

It's not been to bad emotionally but I did get upset last night. I still have feelings for the stupid man, you don't switch them off do you? I shall miss him