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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Full time step mum

73 replies

ReluctantStepMum · 26/11/2013 13:02

I hate my role as ft step mum to 16 DSS and nearly 18 DSD. They moved in with us in february but I still cant used to having my space compromised. I love my husband but cant stand my life. What do I do??

OP posts:

Original poster

ReluctantStepMum · 01/12/2013 09:31

Cavell, I appreciate what you are saying and you make good points. To answer the easier points first.

We live in a modern 3 storey townhouse. It is very top heavy, ie. we have a massive bedroom, dressing room an ensuite at the top, but the rest of the house is out of proportion. Middle earth, as we call it, has a bathroom, and did have 2 very spacious double bedrooms. One is now a study/junk room and the other was converted into very 2 small single rooms to accommodate the kids.

Downstairs the living space is pathetic. The lounge is petite, we have no dining room, the kitchen is like a ships galley, very thin. Yes we have 2 large cupboards and a downstairs loo, but no other space to hide in when we feel the need.

The garage is located round the corner with no electricity possible (crap design). The only option left to us for more space is to extend the lounge out, which will take up most of the garden area.

The house design is a big drawback and writing this has made me realise this is definitely a big bugbear. However in 2007, when we moved here, this did not occur to us. We have looked at moving, but cannot afford to, as having the kids move in has used most of our savings.

To touch on dog walking, they are not confident enough and will not rise to the challenge unless we force them. Last Sunday DH and I went to France for the day, leaving very early. DSS moaned that he did not want to walk the dogs at 11am as he had wanted a lie in. So everything is always under duress. Funny how he has just left the house for the day to see friends after getting in late.

I am sorry if some of this sounds petty, but on a daily basis, with people you do not want to live with, it is a big struggle and my DH does not get how I am suffering. It's almost enough to have an affair, but being with another man is the last thing on my mind right now!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

ReluctantStepMum · 01/12/2013 09:40

Noct, sorry only just seen your post. ALL friends are dissing my grievance because they have not had to deal with this situation. I am talking all ages here, and most of them have kids - younger - so they do not "get" it. Nobody told me it would be this bad, and even family don't get it, other than exW and her mother who asked for this in the first place, evil women....

OP posts:

JustALittleGreen · 01/12/2013 09:44

I'm sorry youre having such a hard time, OP. Would you consider taking parenting classes with DH? Or perhaps some marriage counselling? It might help to try to put yourself in the shoes of these, technically almost adults, but basically children. Sounds like they've had a ridiculously tough life. Sometimes people who need love the most act as though they deserve it the least.

Petal02 · 01/12/2013 09:58

So if the step children are in the lounge OP, then you've got nowhere to go except your bedroom, downstairs loo or store cupboard.

I know from my own experience that if your lounge has been occupied by someone else's teenager(s) you don't feel particularly comfortable joining them, so that leaves you displaced. It's odd that in a bio family the kids seem to spend their time in their bedrooms, which at least leaves the main living area for the adults, but this doesn't seem to happen in step families.

When DSS used to spend EOW with us, I used to either go out or sit in our bedroom - neither were ideal, but if the lounge is already occupied its like the heart of your home is unavailable. But that was one child EOW, there's no way I could have lived like that permanently.

OP, it doesn't sound like you've had any more discussions with your DH. Is there no way at all you could rent somewhere small, meaning you could retain your marriage and your sanity?

Tuckshop · 01/12/2013 11:57

I've been where you are. The only difference was that I was no longer with the child's dad. My dsd came to live with me as a troubled teen. It was so hard at first suddenly getting used to have a teenager around and I was used to have the house to myself once dd had gone to bed. I couldn't watch what I wanted to watch, we had to choose something we both wanted. I couldn't go off to my room and watch stuff because it meant leaving her on her own and that seemed a bit off. Inevitably if I needed the washing machine, her stuff was in it (the blessing being that she did her own washing though), and when I needed the cooker she too was cooking her tea. Mention doing a bit of washing up maybe and she'd have a huge strop, and she generally would look for any reason to start an argument. And she could be vile with the things she would yell at me.

But what was going on was a girl who was really hurting because both her parents had let her down, she didn't actually believe that I wanted her living with me. So I let loads slide and made allowances. I set firm boundaries and had shouting matches with her while I asserted them. No-one had ever set her boundaries before.

Someone on here said a good way to bond with a teen was to watch a soap with them. Such good advice. She introduced me to Geordie Shore and started to wait for me to be around to watch it. It was something that she and I did, and dd couldn't as she was too young. DD went to her Dad's and dsd and I had a girls night in. It was just a pizza, chocolate and film .... but she posted it all over Facebook. I didn't realised that something so simple meant so much to her. We went shopping and had lunch out. That very basic café we went to she calls "our" café.

And then one weekend she went away. And I realised I missed her. I realised how funny I found her, what good company she could be when she wasn't arguing. She let her guard down, she would cry at things, she started to hug me. She made me cry when she told me that as a little girl the thing she remembered most from her time staying with me and her Dad was me drying her hair.

Wow, loads spilled out there. What I'm saying is these kids are having a really tough time. To have lived with a mum who self harms and can no longer have them living with her must be really hard for them. Really hard. I know it's not easy suddenly being thrown into having teens around that aren't your children - I really do. But it does get easier if you can just find a way to connect with them.

Petal02 · 01/12/2013 12:04

Tuckshop, what a lovely post :)

JustALittleGreen · 01/12/2013 13:06

I've just had a little sob at that, tuckshop. How very lucky dsd is to have you.

RandomMess · 01/12/2013 13:30

Would it be better to rearrange middle earth so they have bigger bedrooms where they may hang out more? Move your hobby stuff into your room, get a 2nd TV provide yourself with a retreat.

I really do sympathise with having to share your space when you're just not used to it with teens - they are not often the easiest to get on with.

How about family mediation/counselling where you have somewhere neutral to discuss family rules and boundaries - part of the problem is just down to house sharing when you haven't all grown up together.

Petal02 · 01/12/2013 14:11

OP - rearranging middle earth does seem preferable to a divorce?

Original poster

ReluctantStepMum · 01/12/2013 15:54

Lots of nice comments since I have been out walking the dogs with a friend. She actually did have an awful lot of good and constructive advice, the opposite to what I was expecting. She is younger than me with a son of 8, but contrary to what I believed, does understand my pains.

To comment on middle earth, we can't offer them any more space as we converted a large double room into 2 singles, 4 weeks of building work in January, in order to offer them separate rooms. The only other room left is joint study for me and DH as I work from home and he does 2 days per week. The hobby stuff is all his and already takes over that room, the garage, and what little loft space we have.

There is a TV in our bedroom already, plus DSS has his own, and they both have laptops and smartphones so not lacking in gadgets.

Downstairs is the issue, and that can't really be changed apart from a lounge extn, which would take most of the garden, plus parting with cash we don't currently have.

OP posts:

Noctilucent · 01/12/2013 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess · 01/12/2013 16:38

I suppose I'd be tempted to try and use humour with them "The grinch needs some space for an hour, disappear guys"?

Original poster

ReluctantStepMum · 01/12/2013 19:24

Noct, I have talked to my friend several times before (we are both involved in amateur dramatics) however this is the first time she has given constructive criticism, usually avoiding my woes.

Random, humour doesn't work with these kids. I could write an essay on our issues, and wish I could post a word doc on here, I could type much faster and more succinctly....

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/12/2013 19:25

Regardless of the situation with you are they getting any therapy/help/counselling because they have been dealt a shitty hand in life.

I agree it is a huge shame they didn't come to live with you when much younger.

Do you have any house rules?

Original poster

ReluctantStepMum · 01/12/2013 20:26

I am leaving this forum for the timebeing as I can't answer all the questions thrown at me. There is so much history and I can't explain it in a few sentences at a time.

Sorted, anyway, we are now splitting up.

OP posts:

Petal02 · 01/12/2013 20:30

Please don't disappear, keep venting if it helps. We want to support you, and realise you can't sum up your life in a few sentences.

cavell · 01/12/2013 20:35

I'm really sorry to hear that. Really.

Was that your decision?

RandomMess · 01/12/2013 20:45

Huge hugs, I can only imagine how horrendous it's been on all of you x

eslteacher · 01/12/2013 20:58

I'm really sorry OP.

TBH I remember your other thread, and I couldn't see how this situation could resolve itself really, bar something unexpected happening. God knows I'd find it tough to live with my DSS full time, regardless of however he and DP acted and whatever they did, it would just undeniably change my life and I don't know if I could cope with living with a child full time. So you, with two teenagers...yeah. It's a tough situation all round for all concerned. I really feel for you and the kids, and their mother. Your DH too.

Original poster

ReluctantStepMum · 01/12/2013 22:16

Hugs hugs hugs, thank you peeps! I am at the end of my tether but need to get stronger. Will try, just need to get past all the crap I currently have to deal with. Xx

OP posts:

Original poster

ReluctantStepMum · 01/12/2013 22:24

Btw, River. I do not feel at all sorry for the mother. She is the cause of all our grief. I hate her. She is the reason for our troubles now. This is a 9 year old problem, at least, and she refused to admit her illness. Sorry, but she is the cause of all our worries and issues.

OP posts:

Tuckshop · 02/12/2013 07:27

Thank you Petal and justalittlegreen. I cried when I'd written it too! It just tumbled out of me and I think it's helped me to see how far we've come. And I really hope it's helped the op. It sounds like there's a big backstory.

Petal02 · 02/12/2013 09:11

tuckshop it's always nice to hear a success story. I'd happily share my chocolate biscuits with you!

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