Full time step mum

[ReluctantStepMum]

I hate my role as ft step mum to 16 DSS and nearly 18 DSD. They moved in with us in february but I still cant used to having my space compromised. I love my husband but cant stand my life. What do I do??

it is hard isn't it. I too am FT step mum (15 and 10) plus my own DS (14). It's taken a while I can tell you. If they are older are they not out of the house quite a lot?

In a full time stepmum to dsd2 aged 15 and its difficult. I'm also mum to ds15 and stepmum to 3 others. Two of which are with us a third of the time.

I think a lot depends on the personalities of the children and how they are parented by both dad and mum (if she's around).

How's do the kids behave around you?

I take my hat off to anyone that manages it FT.

You all deserve a pat on the back! I certainly couldn't do it full time, in fact it brings me out in a cold sweat thinking about it ??

My situation is definitely easier with the mum not being around..Not that I would wish it on anyone but I certainly couldn't cope as well if she was...

Do you have any say in the rules of the house and the consequences if they are ignored? And does your husband parent them appropriatly? It really, really is the hardest thing in the world, even if the answer to both is yes. But if not, you must be feeling how I am at the moment- as if you have lost authority in your own home, or even, daft as it sounds, lost your own home.

I find my happiness hinging on how far my dh is willing to prioritise MY feelings, and represent a united front.

Fooso, DSD is out of the house a fair bit but she also has a lot of spare time, particularly mornings, due to not needing to be at college all the time. DSS hardly ever goes out when he is not at school. This is due mainly to him not having any friends in our locality, as we live 25 miles from their former home, and they also travel a long way to school/college (we cannot change this until they finish respective studies next year). I work from home so it's hard whenever they are home early, or when DSD doesn't leave until Midday for example.

Mum is still around but incompetent due to mental health issues so we get no additional support from her in all honesty.

I will answer other posters' questions separately in order to avoid a very long post!

Well you deserve a medal! I would really struggle to have mine full time although I think without ex wife's influence it may be easier than having them EOW as we do.
It must also be hard because yours are older and therefore not 'children' but also not yet fully fledged adults.
Do you have any of your own? If not then that puts further strain on the situation.
Is there anything your DH can do to make things easier for you? Do you have your own space in the house like an office/study that you can shut yourself in to get some peace? Do you get time away from the home?

Aroundtheworld, they are not bad kids, and we do have rules which they do abide by for the most part. They had no structure whilst living with their mother, even simple "duties" were not instilled in them. They now do their own washing and put dishes in dishwasher, occasionally emptying it (well DSD does). Being typical teenagers, their rooms are untidy, and we have to tell them to tidy up, Hoover etc. but I suppose that is normal in any household.

I do feel like I have lost my own home, and as the communal living area is small, including kitchen, we do all get in each others way.

Redhen, the kids behave ok with me, but I have tended to detach myself from them somewhat over the past few months, so there is often tension. DH and I have had several fraught times since they arrived, so I have had had to change my attitude and personality just in order to be able to cope with everything, so I constantly feel in a position of compromise, something that does not come naturally to me!

Kaluki, I do not have any children of my own, and am fast approaching 50, so it was a great shock to the system to take on 2 nearly adults. DH handles parenthood in his own way, which is not Disney, but far more lenient than me, which has created our own conflicts. It is getting better, but mainly down to time, and me biting my tongue before opening my mouth!

I do have a study (well spare bedroom) and I do have hobbies that get me out a fair bit. I put one of them on hold for a while (acting) but have now flung myself back into it with relish, and this has helped enormously.

It's just the constant interaction on a daily basis that does my head in. It's like having relatives who have out stayed their welcome, who you don't actually get on with that much. DSD is also a bit up her own bottom, if you get my drift!!

It must be harder at the age they are because as you say they are almost adults so harder to escape from. You can't exactly sit them in front of the telly for a few hours can you!!!
One positive though is that hopefully in a few years time they will fly the nest so this is a temporary situation.
I suppose you need to decide if you can put up with this for a few more years or not.
Have you talked to your DH about how you are feeling?

Kaluki, I agree it is a temporary situation, DSD is hoping to get a University place, so this time next year will hopefully be easier, and DSS may be in 6th form at a school within a 10 minute walk from home, which will help him to make friends here.

DH knows exactly how I feel but his response is that we can't do anything about it. The dynamics of our relationship have changed considerably but we want to stay together, so I guess I have just got to bite the bullet. One thing I have put my foot down on though, is that I am not having another family holiday, as the one this year threw me into despair, and took ages to get over!

Thanks for my medal btw :-)

I always thought that if, god forbid, DSS had ever come to live with us, I would rent a house nearby, and continue our marriage on a two-homes basis. When I first met DH, before we bought a house together, we managed to spend a lot of time together even though we lived apart. Whilst this wouldn't be ideal (and I'm pretty sure that DH would take it all the wrong way) I wouldn't know what else to do.

Petal, I did consider doing this, but a) we can't afford it, and b) we have 2 dogs who I love too much to leave. Daft I know, but my dogs are my own babies, and renting would mean leaving them behind.

I'd also thought about the pets situation - I know some landlords allow them - but was concerned that our cats would get confused if I moved just down the road. But thankfully I'm just hypothesising at the moment.

Oh here we again. Argument with H. I am resigned to staying in our bedroom for the rest of the evening. He says I pick an argument but he is the one that will never shut up, and I need to escape just to get away from his rantinxg and raving.

"go again"! And "ranting". Sorry.

This sounds really tough. and .

You ok? Sounds crap..

Also sending and

Thanks to the last 2 posters for your "treats". Things are ok, but as usual, DH pretends nothing has happened and carries on as normal. He is always in denial of my feelings.

Denial is a real male trait - because they find it easier to pretend there isn't a problem, than to acknowledge/deal with the situation.

Many things in life get worse if not tackled - like rising damp and chip pan fires!!!

Yep Petal, that is what is happening big time. Conflab with SD earlier. She is a little shit. No support. I just walked out and drove round the block for 30 minutes. I am at the end of my tether right now, don't know where to turn. She is so patronising, I just want to slap her in the face, but that isn't right is it???

She is a little shit with traits like her mother who belongs in a loony bin, I am going mad myself and want to end it all