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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I don't think I can handle it anymore with my stepson

19 replies

sunchowder · 13/07/2006 18:41

That's it really. I am snapping altogether. He is 16, I have had him since he was 2 1/2. I have been through a nightmare with my two older stepchildren. The one that just turned 21 just left to move in with his natural Mom.

I just want to leave.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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marthamoo · 13/07/2006 18:46

Oh sunny - I'm sorry. You sound so lovely, I can't understand why your stepchildren are so horrible towards you.

littlerach · 13/07/2006 18:59

I'd have to second what MM says.

i thikn being a stepmother is such a hrad and unrewarding job at the best of times, even more so when it is an awkward time.

Is there anything in particular, or everything?

My mum has a stepson who lives with her and my stepdad, and she has a terriblwe time with him. He is almost 16, has finished scholl and has no plans to look for a job. He just seems to find things to annoy her atm.

Original poster

sunchowder · 13/07/2006 19:09

Thank you both so much. I just have no more stamina. He is just a teenager, but he reminds me so much of his older brother who I am sure he models his behavior after. Specifically, my DH never is involved enough in the parenting end of things, Now that he is older, he feels he does't have to listen to me. He clearly does not get enough direction. He was away at his natural Moms for 5 weeks and it was blissful in terms of not having aggravation. I just don't know if I can make it another 2 to 4 years until he is ready to be independent.

I am so disraught. I called my counselor and left a message. I called my DH screaming, hung up and called him again.

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Original poster

sunchowder · 13/07/2006 19:12

First night he was home, I made a wonderful dinner, he managed to stay out until 7:30 in the evening (went out for a walk at 5:00) and called saying his friends need help moving some furniture and they are going to feed him. My DH said fine and hung up with him.

I freaked out and said if you don't teach him how to behave he won't know how. My DH just goes with the flow and doesn't want to make waves. In the meantime, I wish I never bothered making a special dinner--he didn't want to spend time with us and clearly couldn't give a crap that I had made a lovely dinner for his return. This is just one of hundred's of examples.

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littlerach · 13/07/2006 19:13

Sounds even more like my mum. My stepdad doesn't really take an active role either, and my stepbrothwr just seems to wind mum up.
Hope you can sort things out.

Original poster

sunchowder · 13/07/2006 19:14

Sounds ridiculous when I put this into writing--I sound like a fucking moron. I just find it so difficult giving and trying for nothing. Both with my DH and his son. I am just dead from it all and don't think I can continue.

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Original poster

sunchowder · 13/07/2006 19:14

My DD's name is Rach--thanks for listening littleRach.

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marthamoo · 13/07/2006 19:14

I remember this from threads of yours about your eldest step-son - that your dh doesn't back you up enough. It's hard to know what you can do without more support from him, damnit, they're his children. You sound like you have just had enough of trying so hard

Original poster

sunchowder · 13/07/2006 19:18

Ah thanks Marthathe wonderful acknowledgement and thanks we got from my older stepson was brilliant. He went up to his natural moms in December to drop the younger one off for the holidays, quite his job here over the phone and told us he was going to live with his natural mom (20 years old ffs). My younger son just got back from therehe moved a girl in (to his Mom's house--she is on her 3rd husband) and they are playing happy family up there. This is all after we lived through getting him off of crack cocaine and putting the whole family at risk with his behavior. He can't stand being alone and how perfect that his Mom will just let him move this girl into their house and they can live together.

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Original poster

sunchowder · 13/07/2006 19:20

I love my DH dearly, but he is absolute crap in this area. then I feel like more crap because I know that I should not tolerate this adn I am allowing it.

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mamalamadingdong · 13/07/2006 19:22

You know, teenagers are really, really thoughtless. They are just the same with their blood parents. Just stop trying. Not to be mean, but because right now you - a boring adult - are totally peripheral on this boy's radar. He doesn't mean to insult you, he just doesn't really register you. (I may be wrong, just trying to think of an explanation). No more special dinners, no more superhuman effort, just be yourself, get on with your life. I think your dh's position is difficult. He possibly feels like a failure and frightened his other son will leave. Meanwhile the kids are awful adolescents, aware that they can play people off but with really limited empathy so they don't fully realise that other people have feelings.
Is your dh normally OK to you? Don't let the children come between you - they are nearly old enough to be gone! Good luck.

marthamoo · 13/07/2006 19:23

I think that's good advice from mamalamawhateveristhatname - just get on with your life, let them fit in round you for a change.

Original poster

sunchowder · 13/07/2006 19:27

Thanks Mamalama--the latest blow up was about him getting a job.

He was told to get on his bike and fill out some applications this morning. At 1:00P our time, his girlfriend and another boy show up and they all decide they are going to walk to the supermarket (3 miles) together and my SS will fill out an application.

I told him absolutely not, that he was to ride his bike that this was not a time for friends and that he needed to ask me first before he invited friends to come along when he is searching for a job. So....what did he do? He left with both his friends and walked to the supermarket. I called him on his cell phone, he said Dad said it was OK. When I told him is Dad said he needed to ride his bike, he told me he didn't want to, it was too hot . I realize that speaking with a teenager is like speaking with someone that is insane. He directly went against what I asked him to do and it just kills me. I don't really know how to handle it. I am mortified in front of his friends, I told this girl he needed to ask me and now he leaves with hersaid he didn't understand me. Load of crapI just wish I didn't feel anything at all and that it didn't matter to me if he listened to me or not.

Thank you for your kind words.

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mamalamadingdong · 13/07/2006 19:53

To teenagers friends are the beginning and end of their world, they really are. I think in some ways it is healthy they feel like this - the start of independence - on the other it is selfish and infuriating, but really, most teenagers are a bit like this. In this situation you innocently set yourself up for a fall. To be honest, walking there with friends wasn't such a terrible thing to do, even if it was against your wishes. Please, whatever you do, don't take any of this personally. I have a teenage stepchild and their friends are their life. Asking them to choose between them and you is a mistake IME. Just sit back, let them make their own mistakes, and if they are going to get a job, well hallelujah! don't quibble about how they apply for it. Believe me, I do sympathise, but continuing to fight here will only make you sad and cause a bigger rift, I think.

Original poster

sunchowder · 13/07/2006 20:05

Is that how you went to apply for a job, with your friends? I know what you are saying is right, but I just feel that he should dress a certain way and go for the job on his own. He just got back, said the supermarket said he could apply online and the two other places were not hiring and one said he had to be 18. So it was for nothing. He will not get a job and I just need to support him financially and shut up I guess. I don't know how to behave, I don't know how to be.

I appreciate you respondingI am just so screwed up about it. We spoiled my older stepson and I was so determined not to do the same with this one. I will just work my ass off, not ask him to do anything, don't bother-just ignore and let him play with friends all day I guess.

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mamalamadingdong · 13/07/2006 22:25

Well, you don't have to fund him or run around after him, and I suggest you don't. However, (and I'm certainly not saying he's perfect... far from it, especially if he's 16!) but he did go and inquire, and if they aren't hiring, they aren't hiring.HOnestly, I really don't think a supermarket will notice if he isn't dressed up and they won't know if he went on his bike, on his own, or walked there with friends. I think at 16 you really do have to allow him the freedom to choose how he gets somewhere and who he goes with - providing they aren't criminals who deal drugs etc. In a day or so could you could say something like, 'do you need a reference for the online application? I'm happy to help' if you want to find out if he's really applying? I'm really sorry you went through hell with the older boy. Crack cocaine addiction must have been horrible and frightening for you all. Do you think your fear of this terrible stuff happening again is colouring your reaction to stuff the younger boy does? Again, it all sounds as if it was horribly stressful and upsetting and I can understand that you must be very worried.

anniemac · 14/07/2006 10:23

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

sunchowder · 14/07/2006 14:23

Thanks Annie and Mama, what you both say makes a lot of sense. I think I am hypersensitive to what my younger stepson says and does because I see so much of the older one in him. The way he talks, his attitude, the way he holds himself--and I do agree that it does color my entire perspective and probably causes me to overreact.

We did have a talk last night and he did admit that he understood me and that he totally ignored me and went with his friends anyway. I filled out an online application for him as this is what they told him to doagain, I probably should not have even done that, but I feel like I have to push him forward to get a job. I feel a bit better today. My DH took him to the dentist this morning and my DH actually did a load of laundry last nightthis is his second load in 13 years--so....I guess maybe he does realize that I am frazzeled from all of this and need more support from him.

Thank you for listening and for your responses--it means a lot to me when I am out of my mind like this.

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jujuju · 16/07/2006 01:26

Sunchowder I know where you are coming from.You want to leave...you do not love your man well leave.I married a man I adore.3 stepkids.They were all here when i came.Eldest left,daughter at uni...came back could not find her place.Mum had been gone 6 year.2nd was nightmare.16 boy 6'3' and throwing stuff.Byr bye.Moved in with ma.Bout time I say!3rd is here is 15 now almost 16 AND OMG you want the nightmare I have it.Could not begin to tell you the most disgusting stuff he has done!Supposed to be joining army,this is I wish,Him I dont think so.Mother has moved to Costa Rica over 1 year ago.If he dont get in...he could be dead!Enoughs enough..eh?

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