pretending things never happen when DSS is not here

[Stepmooster]

DH has conquered most of his Disney dad traits but one thing that still winds me up is how we are to pretend nothing ever happens when DSS is not here in case he gets upset/jealous. For instance dd who has a minor physical impairment took her first steps today. It was a big deal for her, she's been doing physio for months and all our immediate relatives have been hoping she would start walking soon.

So I was asked not to mention it on Facebook, which is how my side of the family communicate. I could have telephoned them but I'm pretty sure one of them would have posted something anyway, and I wanted them to see photographs of her looking very pleased with herself. DSS saw my post and was happy for dd. DH wanted us to pretend that her first steps were when we next had DSS. In 6 days time she'll probably be running ffs and not taking her first steps, she practically legs it around the room now.

We are also pretending we are not going away for a few nights next year to centreparc (our very delayed honeymoon and the two little ones shall go to the creche for half days). Even though this yr he went to Euro Disney with dh and bil and dd and I stayed home. It was bil gift to DSS and we couldn't afford to pay for us all to go just DH. Plus DSS is going abroad with his mum in half term next year, and is hardly missing out on holidays.

So our relatives have to remember not to mention we are off to centreparc next year. If we carry on like this we won't be going to the swings on a weekend in case dd says something when she finally starts talking.

Please someone reassure my dh that I am doing the right thing by refusing to pretend life doesn't stop at dads when DSS is not here!

Gosh I'm sorry that your DH is doing this, it's nuts!! Does he think conversely that your DsS should not tell his little sister what he does with his mum and pretend he does nothing when he is at home with her??

I think he is doing a great disservice to his son, by not giving him the opportunity to be happy that you are living (!) while he is not there

I don't have any experience of step-children, but this sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Surely, your DH is eroding any ability for his son to trust what he says...?!?

DSS is not daft, surely? And even if he was, there is bound to be a time (lots of times!) when DH slips, and forgets which white lie he told. And your DSS will wonder what the hell is going on.

He will think, well, if he's lying about this/that, what else is he lying about? When he tries to reassure me about X, can I really take him at his word? Etc...

Hopefully someone with some more experience will be along soon to give some advice.

Living a life of lies is completely unhealthy and you are totally right to refuse to go along with it. His son will figure it out soon enough and he won't thank his dad in fact it will probably colour his opinion of him.

It's theoretically a nice idea from your DH to ensure inclusion....but it's a disaster waiting to happen. It's smoke and mirrors and children aren't silly, they know when they're being manipulated. Far better to be honest and deal with real emotions, not those that arise from forced truths. And I speak as one who has a stepfamily that repeatedly refuse to acknowledge the truth and prefer too live in a fantasy. It's wrong and your DSS will prefer the truth

I agree with BusyCee. I understand the guilt that fuels it, but it will be far more upsetting when DSS finds out the truth, which he will. Much better to be open and matter of fact. Neither side go into a cupboard until the next meeting- they have lives!

On the face of it, it's a 'kimd' thing to do, but actually, it's an inherently selfish act. Papering over a situation, to make it easier on the adult, saving them from having to deal with things in a grown-up way.

It puts me in mind of parents who sneak away when their DC aren't looking, at nursery, or pre-school.

Saves the parent from having to deal with the tears and upset. It doesn't eradicate the problem in the slightest; the child is still upset when they realise the parent is gone - it just leaves someone else to deal with it. And of course, the child is left questioning where Mum/Dad disappears to, and might they disappear right now? Or now? Or now...? They can't have any faith in the parent, because the parent isn't reliable.

The other side of the coin is that DH and his family will only arrange to meet up if DSS is here. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest, they are the closest family to us and my side of the family who live hours away probably see us about the same as the ILs. We have tried to meet up more often but its not always possible with 2 little ones and as DD has been ill quite a bit during contact weekends, pre-aranged contact with the ILs has had to be cancelled.

In the end ILs came over this weekend because they missed the children and DSS was not here. It was only 2nd time they had seen our youngest since he was born and DD burst into tears because she didnt recognise them.

I have told MIL she is welcome to come over whenever she is free, both of us want them to see more of each other but it is this guilt that stops her.

I don't think DSS is going to get upset if we do things with the youngest 2 and he is not here, he is 12 soon and not the 7yo that used to live with DH before the marriage ended.

I know DSS does not view his younger siblings the same as his older half siblings. For example it is his elder half siblings birthday this week when he was with us last he told us he got her, 'the world's best sister card and badge'. He said this in front of DD who is too young to get upset. So I asked, "is DD the second best sister?" Which made DSS a bit embarrassed and I told him it's ok, of course I understand but DD is not going to understand this in a couple more years. To her DSS is the best thing since sliced bread and he must be careful with what he says in front of her. Other than that I am not bothered if he feels closer to his elder half siblings. Of course he thinks like that they have lived together since he was born and there is 10 years between our DD and him.

DH and his family need to come to terms with this. They are not the primary family or even equal in DSS eyes. So there is no need to act like DSS will be upset if they see more of the little ones. They have to be careful because I will not stop arranging contact with my family just because DSS might not be here (and DH does try), and I will not stop taking the youngest to the park, zoo, softplay, days out even if DSS is not here. If they form a closer bond to me or my family they only have themselves to blame!

So what exactly does your DH want your DSS to think happens when he's not with you?

With your DSS being 12 I'm sure he understands to a degree that you have your own life when he's not there as he does with his mum.

I agree that it's guilt. A lot of situations in step parent problems boil down to the guilt factor. To me it sounds like it's definitely more a case of your DH being worried about doing things when DSS not there and not DSS worrying about what's going on when he's not there.

Congratulations on your DD taking her first steps :)

Difficult but a couple of things stick out for me. Your daughter's milestone not being celebrated on facebook for one, I think that's the opposite of what you should have done. I think the intent may be 'nothing interesting happens when you aren't here' but it could be viewed as 'what happens when you aren't here is nothing to do with you'. At 12 he's too old to be under the illusion that your lives stop the minute he leaves the house. Is he on facebook himself? I think a nicer way for him to find out about his sister's first steps would have been for his dad to contact him (if this is possible, I don't know how open the lines of communication are between the ex partners) and say "son, exciting news and we wanted you to be the first to know that [sister] took her first steps!"

Your IL's need to get over the guilt. Your younger kids deserve a relationship with them as much as the older boy does. They aren't being disloyal to him, but they are missing out on an opportunity with the younger two, which is a shame.

And I would big up his role in his younger siblings' lives. If your daughter adores him, and if you can somehow manage to make him feel like they have a special relationship, that's all to the better. He may feel he has the best big sister ever, let him know that your daughter feels she has the best big brother ever. My own ds has five half-siblings, I hope he loves his father's other children as much as he loves mine. I try to foster that (and I never use the term 'half-' (though probably you don't either usually). He certainly loves them all more now he's older, he's definitely grown into the role of big brother.

Hi Dwerf, if DH wants to contact DSS other than on a Monday or Thursday it has to be run past the ex first. Like when DS was born DH had to text her first, then DSS caledl his dad when it was convenient to for their family.

Facebook has been the only other way to keep DSS involved when he is not here. He can see photographs I post of the children which he 'likes' etc.

DSS only has half siblings, and the term is never used in our home. DH is forever telling DSS how much DD adores him, but he is nearly 12, our eldest is a noisy toddler who wants to destroy his electronic gadgets with dribble and crayons.

Hi CloverCharm DH has yet to tell me what he thinks should happen, I get a "I know! I know!" every time its discussed. So I think so long as you know its not healthy I will not listen to your silly suggestions, but its doing my head in. I have heard DH talk to DD about DSS when I am not in the room, ok she is too young at the moment to understand what he's saying but soon she will understand that daddy thinks that fun things can only happen when DSS is here. I would be seriously pissed off if she or DS ever thought that was normal!

Your dh is being unreasonable and needs to stop. His son is 12, not a baby and will probably be more hurt when he finds out you go on holidays without mentioning them to him.

As for the card, I think yabu and shouldn't have mentioned it. Just because he bought a card with best sister on doesn't mean he thinks of the other as second best, you probably made him feel bad. I might buy a card for one of the ds with best son, the others arnt going to think I like them less, the same goes for if they bought a best brother card.

Sounds like you're doing what you can. Looks like facebook is the platform for communication then, if he's liking the photographs, that's a positive. The age gap is a problem, but that might just be the ages they are at the moment. My ds has 17 years between him and his youngest sibling (on his dad's side) and there's 6 years between him and my third child (ds being number two). I think he had a lot less interest in his siblings when he was a young teen, but now he's older their relationship is better. Toddlers are royal pains in the arses to older kids, they wreak havoc and take up all their parent's energy like mini-vampires. But slightly older young kids are more fun. There's a lot of pleasure watching an older teen sitting down and playing with a four or five year old sibling. Hopefully they'll grow closer as time passes.

With regards to the card, my point at the time is DSS can't be allowed to talk like that in front of dd. Maybe I was wrong but seeing as DSS is the apple of DSS eye she is going to pick up on it. Someone has got to make DSS understand that otherwise its reinforcing the second best family thing. Best to get it all out and discussed before she understands.

This is a really interesting thread and has made me re evaluate. My dsd lives with us the majority of the time with visits to her other family eow. There is on going legal stuff but that how it is. As she is just 6 we tend to not lie but not mention things ( which I guess is the same.) We I don't think would go on holiday without her ( we have 2 children) but tend to play down anything we've done ( not that we do too much with babies), we just say " oh the weekend was a bit boring, we just played with the babies and some jobs". I guess we need to look at this as all the children get older. The problem being that as far as she ( and we) are concerned she is big sister, so to do things when she is not around ( big things) seems unfair and weird, although I draw the line at lying about the babies milestones etc..
Dh's ex will make a point of telling her daughter when she's missing out, which tbh I think is wrong and is more due to the fact that ex ' has issues' with the fact day to day living arrangements are with us. She has got her lo to ask her daddy if she can have specific days with her and her other family... I think this is why we are so careful ( read paranoid perhaps) as we don't want to look like we are trying to say ' oh wow, you've missed out on soooo much while you were at mummy's" as it does upset when Mummy does it, it happens particularly in reaction to my dsd telling mummy of the exciting things we've done / are doing...
Point is, our situation is different to OPs but we need to think about the future baring in mind both families and any new siblings etc that may come along. I tend to agree with the others, at 12 he is old enough to have a grasp on the situation and be able to ( with help) start to rationalise things a little. The fact is, he will not miss out at all, and neither should you or your dcs as long as things are handled with tact as it sounds as they are.

Siblings often have more than one 'best ever sister/brother'. It's quite usual for each sibling to get a card like that! I don't think you can expect a 12 yr old to understand that his little sister might not feel as valued. That's your fears you are projecting, if you needed to say anything it might have been better to say, 'how lucky to have a best big sister, and a best little sister!'
My 13 yr old often has 'the best day of my life' and I love it every time it happens!
How lovely that your little one is walking, just in time to reach all the Christmas baubles!