I feel like an outsider in my own home

[MrsWickens]

Does anyone else feel like this when your OH's children are with you? We have the boys (12 year old twins) every weekend and I always feel in the way. I take myself out to do food shopping or visit my mum for as long as possible because the atmosphere in the house is horrible. The looks, the sneers, the rudeness all make it incredibly uncomfortable to be at home on the weekend. It has been over a year now and has got worse not better.

I have been nice, I have been indifferent, I have expressed my displeasure at their rudeness but they just don't care. Their dad has spoken to them but as soon as he is out of earshot or eyeshot they are back to their 'delightful' selves but of course deny everything if I say anything and I really don't want to get into a he said this he said that mentality.

My two boys (15 and 16) live with us 24/7 because their own dad doesn't bother seeing them sadly. They like my boyfriend and treat him with such respect. I don't know what to do to get even half the respect from his twin boys.

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do?

Wise words, as usual, catsmother.

yes catsmother, spot on. i have been in tears on many occasions over how they have lied about me and how they have treated me . i now try not to have any emotional investment in them at all, to protect my own emotional well being. my dh says he does not notice that they haven't spoken to me or addressed me in any way all weekend. when i draw his attention to it he says and does nothing. i with he would just ask them do they or rather the older one, want this situation to continue forever? he however is scared or can't be bothered to ask them, so i am left in limbo. he has a nice time with them, i just have to fit in where i can.

he treats them better than me when they are here and so that is also a source of resentment.

and i absolutely did not know what i was getting into or i wouldn't have done it, that's for sure!

Brilliant post catsmother you said everything so much better than I could.

I can hand on heart say I'm not a monster and have tried so hard to be welcoming. I too would be shocked and disappointed with my boys if they ever acted in such a rude manner towards anyone.

Catnaps post was spot on.
Why should you hide away in your own home.
Force them to acknowledge you. Be visible around them. Speak to them. If theyare rude ask them not to be. Ask your DP if he is proud of the way they behave? If he would like to be treated like this.
You are enabling and condoning this behaviour by hiding away and your DP should be made to confront the problem, not allowed to let it continue for a quiet life.

And to AngryBeaver I am sure that if the OP knew her life with her bf and his kids would be like this she would have run a mile.
Sadly a lot of problems in life can't possibly be foreseen!

If only you could buy crystal balls .......

Aye, with you on all of this.

My 'd'sd...what a spoilt brat.

All sorts of issues, it's not my house[if I'm paying half the mortgage luv then it is my house], daddy this daddy that [sigh], ignoring me constantly [whatever luv] and I decided to just let her get on with it.

Remember her saying - when watching the Madeline McCann news story 'why don't they just accept she's gone' and wondering what sort of monster there was sat on the sofa.

The last time I suggested making muffins - she said she would measure out the flour and I could do the mixing because she couldn't be bothered. So I just stopped there and then bothering with her myself.

Now in first year at college; and really pleased that she is making new friends and getting out and about. Less time here. Hurrah.

I have been a step mum for 18 years and have experienced many of the things listed. It's a real roller coaster- one step forwards, two steps back.

You just have to keep on trying and trying. Don't hide away or let them push you out. You have to do things together as a family (which can be a challenge) in order to make shared memories which can be the glue which sticks you together.

Keep being nice, keep doing things for them and with them. Eventually they will grow up and look back and realise you weren't the wicked stepmother. It's so so hard but things can get better.

My ESS used to be horrendously behaved towards me for many years. Once he moved out of his mothers he then started to change into a really lovely young man (even apologised for how horribly he treated me). He's now 23 and a delight! Things can get better but it takes time (years in fact). My 20 year old YSS hasn't quite reached that point yet but I know he will eventually.

Just hang on in there. I would also advise joining the British Second Wives Club who give the most fantastic support to step parents. I would have lost the plot had it not been for that site.

God, I thought I was hard done by! I have 2 step kids living with us full time, 16 and nearly 18. We hardly speak to each other and the stress is terrible cos I am a very sociable person. I Blame DH cos it's all about stress free for him. He thinks that sex conquers all. I just feel like a bloody slave to his crappy kids. Sorry, rant over.....

Well said cats and puffin

Amazing how people assume you should have known how things would be because your partner has kids! You could equally say that when the split happened the parents knew what they were doing so needed to agree how they would treat each others future partners, and how their kids would too. Also amazing how people overlook other adults' pain. Yes what children go through is probably a priority to acknowledge and manage, but parents and new partners also go through losses and pains. Let's face it, most people don't dream of getting together with someone in a stepfamily set up, even if they've been a well behaved and well loved stepchild. There's loss in not having what 'first families', pre-kids, have because of step family arrangements and complexities. A step family being able to express these losses together ("I remember when we / I used to") whilst making new experiences together is a brave but transformative step for a step family.

I am an adult stepchild (parents never married or lived together) and my stepdad's been around for 30 years. My mum brought us up well, so we couldn't snub or be rude to him. But I resented him like crazy since I hated men due to childhood abuse by other men. Will never forget the feelings of wanting him to fail. What was weird though was how begrudgingly defensive I felt of him when my mum ended up betraying him long term. You realise the 'good' parent has weaknesses. In the end I softened to my stepddad and I came respect his gentle steadfastness and I really love him now. He's my hero - as is my real dad that I still see - and he gave my father of the bride speech at our wedding (my real dad took me down the aisle).

Despite that, I am now a stepmother of DH's 14 yo daughter living with us and I have been telling my step dad just how much I didn't realise until I became a stepmum. He says, you just don't know till it you're in it. And we all have a relatively GOOD relationship with DH's ex-partner very co-operative and accommodating. But I really see myself in my DSD at times - a sense of waiting for failure. She's polite much of the time, but there's a rudeness and disrespect (that she sometimes metes out to DH too) which DH just chooses not to see, or labels it directness, not rudeness or inappropriateness. I moved in with them too, so still often feels like it's their home, not ours.

People don't get what step families are like until they're in one or close to someone who is. Even a simple stepfamily set up has multiple complexities. In my case, like me, my DH is a step child. But he's not a step dad. His DD is a child and stepchild, as am I. DH's mum is a mum and step mum. DH's dad is a dad and stepdad. Interestingly DH's sister is getting divorced and has 2 kids, DH's nephews who he's close to. If his sister gets involved with someone, esp if they also have kids, then I think he'll start to 'get' a lot of what he chooses not to see now.

Hi cappy123,
You struck a chord with the "waiting for failure" comment.
My relationship with dsd has improved somewhat after 4 years, but I'd still expect better behaviour from a smart 16 yr old.
We often play board games in our house, dh and dsc seem to love these and I'm often asked (to make up numbers) but when I win they are devastated! I'm not as competitive as dh and his kids and usually let them win, but their crowing in unbelievable so I'll win the odd time just to show I'm not a wimp... I know this sounds petty but it's the small things that often bring out the worst. Nothing I do for them is appreciated. And its horrible the pleasure they get if something goes wrong for me and the tangible lack of praise when something has gone well for me or my ds.
I was never ow, in fact I helped provide big time for a house we all have room in and they no longer visit their dad in a damp, mouse invested flat!
I realize their mum's (despicable) attitude to me does not help, but my ds is great with his sm, and dh is quite jealous of how well ds is handling the situation and his dc, who have a massively privileged lifestyle, do not. Although instead of pulling them up on their rudeness he tries to blame me.

Oh God, there really are a lot of step mums out there, who are made utterly miserable by the step situation.

I knew exactly what I was getting into..... My DH, a lovely man, a great dad to his 3 kids, hard worker, good provider, hands on dad, always "there" for them and considering the circumstances of his divorce (exW had a long running affair) a considerate man in terms of provision for ex and kids so that his 3 would never know the trauma of massive lifestyle changes on top of parental split. Me, divorced with a 5 yr old son. We lived miles apart and commuted and "went out" for 4 yrs before marrying and moving in, neither wanting to get it wrong, disturb our collective kids etc. When we started living together (and before) I thought if I was kind, welcoming and didn't poison them with my atrocious cooking, all would be well as they were by now 13, 17 and 19. Not tinies.

Four years + married now (8 years from when we met) almighty crap is delivered regularly. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could have prepared me for the resentment to come, from youngest sd. Eldest are fine (especially eldest daughter) but this now 20 yr old young woman will not cease until I and my "precious" son, are gone. I detest her and my DH cannot defend her nastiness toward me. I treated them all equally, though more concessions were made for youngest SD. To no avail.

Puffin why do we have to keep on trying? At what point is it acceptable to say that actually, you're a young woman....I give up.....I can try no more.....? Surely, it's this constant rewarding dreadful behaviour with more and more "trying" that has led my youngest sd to think "she can't do anything, I don't have to like her, can be openly rude to her, ignore her, be nasty to her son and she can't do anything because Dad will protect me /take MY side". The thing is, if she were just someone I knew, NOT his daughter, I would have given up long before I had the courage to do so,
and had absolutely nothing to do with her. I have become, over the years of endless "trying", quite simply, her whipping boy.

You see, Eliza, that's it isn't it ..... you may have thought you knew what you were getting into and had sensibly done all you could to ensure a smooth transition for all concerned by taking things slowly, and bending over backwards to try and make everyone feel welcome. But of course, you had no idea that your SD would turn out to be so appalling - with no apparent reason for her attitude. And I doubt you imagined that your DH would enable/condone/encourage (in effect) such dreadful behaviour because, as you say, he's otherwise a lovely man who had shown a great deal of consideration towards everyone.

There is no way anyone can accurately predict what they might be letting themselves in for. And the whole concept is utterly ridiculous anyway - it's such a stupid thing to say ..... as if anyone who did have the powers of foresight (I wish) would nonetheless place themselves - and sometimes their children too - in a hostile and/or stressful and/or unfair and/or hurtful and/or frustrating and/or unnecessarily expensive and/or disloyal and/or humiliating situation through choice. No-one would do that - obviously !

You prepare yourself as much as you can by considering all various outcomes of moving in together etc - have long and repeated discussions about expectations, finances, house rules, discipline and so on, but what you can't always do is predict how someone (or some people plural) will actually react - and the resultant problems that can bring.

Eliza - in your shoes I'd have given up years ago. How dare she treat you as her whipping boy. I wouldn't be too impressed with your DH either - regardless of how torn he feels between the pair of you - despite the fact he's great at other times. If he refused to confront her and protect me, I would, at the very least, withdraw any last vestige of "effort" towards her on my part. She wouldn't exist as far as I was concerned ... until such time she could be civil, and apologise. She's an adult now - you don't have to "excuse" her any longer. There is no excuse. DH really should be laying this all on her ..... goodness knows why he won't, after all the "proof" if you like, that it's nothing you've done, is there for all to see in the two older stepkids - if you were some sort of monster, they too would be anti wouldn't they - and they're not.

Hi there,

I have to say that I totally agree with many of the other posters - nothing can ever prepare you for what it means to be a SP...you can imagine and plan and read everything, but the reality is something no one can prepare for. I say that and I know my situation is a dream compared to many of the stories I read in the SP forum. All 3 of my DSC are loving and wonderful towards me...it still doesn't make going from 0 kids around to 3 easy and I know I struggle at times.

What helps is my DP and his attitude towards parenting. He's totally hands on (no Disney parenting from him) and grateful for any help I do give, but knows sometimes I need space when things get overwhelming.

OP, I was so sad for you and your situation when I read your post. I had a chat about it with my DP, as I wondered what we'd have done if this was us. He said if he had that situation, he'd first of all talk to the boys about it...they clearly have an issue and this needs to be listened to, understood and dealt with. At this point telling them off for rudeness etc isn't going to make the situation better. From your messages, the problem isn't you...they behaved the same towards other girlfriends.

I wonder if this is something that your DP and his ExW could address together. When my DP and his ExW have had behavioural issues (unrelated to me), they have presented a united front and spoken to the kids together. I will admit I'm not keen on DPs ex for many valid reasons, but in this way I have a lot of respect for them both, to put aside differences and unite for the good of the kids.

The only other thing I think is that you shouldn't go out to avoid them. It's your home and by going out, they may feel they are succeeding in driving you away and continue to behave in the same way. I know it's easier said than done...

Failing all other advice, you could look into some professional help to resolve this...family counselling??

I wish you all the luck in turning this situation around.

LO