Oh God, not AGAIN!

[Eliza22]

I am emotionally drained thinking about......Christmas. Anyone else? Here's why...

Married 4 years ago after a 4 year long-distance relationship. DH a lovely man. We were both in our 40's, divorced with kids when we met. We took our time.....neither wanting another broken home/divorce. We were very sure of what we were doing. Any yet, his youngest daughter (now 20) in dh's words "won't forgive him for re-marrying". She was 12 when I met her. Lots of allowances made for rudeness/hostility etc but, over the years it became obvious, she just didn't want another female and her child, in her dad's life.

Every Christmas there's tears. Last Xmas Eve, she came for a meal with her siblings (I get on well with them) on the condition I wasn't there. My DS was with his dad for Xmas so, at least wasn't involved in that scenario. When I returned much later, she'd stormed out early (didn't even finish the supper) as DH had mentioned me. The Christmas before, she'd been invited (obviously) but refused to attend. On the actual Christmas Day, she came and was in tears on the doorstep. We invited her in, but she walked away and then told people that she wasn't "allowed in the house" on Christmas Day and "had to stand on the doorstep to see dad". Not true. At all.

This entire year, DH has seen her once (to my knowledge). For this Xmas, we had said that we were visiting my family some 150 miles away as my son (who has been poorly and has ASD/OCD) would love a "family" Christmas, free of tears/tantrums/trauma. So would I. Now, my family are chaos. There's hordes of 'em and I just presumed DH would want to see his kids (now,20, 23 and 24) without me there, as I and my son would NOT be welcome with his youngest daughter. Even THAT has caused a row. I can't win. I also can't put my 13 yr old son through the crap we've endured for the past 4 Christmases.

What would you do? Should I stay home and go through the "will she/won't she come" and "will there be a row/terrible atmosphere"? Or, ought I to go to my sisters and just think "I've tried really hard, I'm NOT wanted, my son is ignored and described as "so precious" and resented and frankly, I should go just with ds? I do feel though, that step daughter won't be happy 'till DH and I are separated and to be separated at Christmas time is awful.

I'm not sure I can't trust being here with her though. Even at the time of all trying to "get on" she wouldn't speak to me or look at me unless absolutely necessary. And at Easter, she walked past me and only said hello to her dad. I felt such a fool.

Advice anyone?

Have you ever tried contacting her directly and asking her to meet up with you to discuss the situation? Explicitly stating that you have no issue with her in your life? Or does she thrive on the drama? And why does your DH let her get away with it?

She sounds like a brattish nightmare to be honest!

You and your DH should not be apart at Christmas. She sounds awful, but she only behaves like this because the behaviour is enabled. Why isn't your DH putting his foot down?

Id go away and ur dh should go with u. I would not put up with her brattish behaiour.

sometimes you just have to get on with what you want to do and what's best for your little boy and you.

You have compromised long enough. What do you want to do?

ultimately if you get on with his other kids I can't see this is your responsibility at all. nor can I see that you would be wrong to present a united front to your dsd to say that your still see her at some point over the Christmas period but she simply isn't welcome at the house Christmas Day. she's going to say it anyway might as well be true.

but tbh if you didn't want the hassle i'd hop it to other family Christmas Day too.

She's an adult isn't she? Tell her to behave herself or keep away, that you've had enough and that you won't be pandering to your spouse or to her. Where is the support to you from your "D" H? Does he think its ok to bend over backwards to her every whim but not to accommodate you because you are always there for him?
This is wrong; put your boy and yourself first. I really hope you have a good Christmas this time OP. I'd be telling her to fuck off after 4 spoiled Christmases.

Sorry but this is utterly ridiculous!

What the hell is your DH playing at?

She sounds like a nightmare who needs to grow up quite frankly, but your DH, what the hell, why is he allowing this to go on?

MairzyDotes, yes I wrote to her once, some time ago but she didn't acknowledge it and her mum phoned and accused DH of "abandoning his children". It was an olive branch letter, wiping the slate clean and "I'm sure we can all rub along" no hard feelings, etc.

DH has been a good dad. Provided very well for his kids and his ex, as she needed the family home to provide for the children. Her long running affair ended their marriage.

DH is in a No-win situation. He doesn't want to further antagonise the situation and risk losing contact all together but he cannot just allow her to expect to have him never mention me or include me. I personally think he should have been firmer years ago, when this started. Remember, my son and I have had no contact whatsoever with her (her choice) since July 2011. DH would have done better to reinforce his unconditional parental love for her whilst making it quite clear that she would be welcome to visit whenever she pleased, and that I would be included unless there is a very good reason for your intense dislike and absolute avoidance of Eliza which obviously, there isn't. She just objects to my existence.

Oh, and I am the product of a dreadful divorce situation. Never, at any time was any concession made for me that alluded to the trauma of coming from a "broken" home.

Eliza if it were me I would go with your son and husband to your family. All your DH's children are adults are they not? Adult children really need to accept they are not children anymore and if they want an invite they have to be polite. Besides as people get older and the kids flee the nest they are allowed to do what they want at xmas. I really would not stand for my husband letting his child treat me that way and even more so one who is an adult. Personally I think it shows how little respect he has for you.

Well, yes that's true. They are adults. Even so, despite their busy lives, it would be nice to see them, en masse, at some point over Christmas but, we can't even ask the question, so emotionally loaded as it is!

Eldest dsd is delightful. We love it when she visits and my son adores her, no doubt of it! Dss (23) is in retail and will work over the Christmas period in London, so unfortunately, the chances of seeing him are not good, which really is a shame.

I suppose what I'm saying is, youngest SD has set a course of events in motion which seem to be acceptable now. I wish DH had been strong enough to say "I'm not having this carry on. When you're ready to behave like a young adult, let's talk" but it's been two and a half years. I really cannot see that saying that now has any relevance. I think DH is willing to accept that he needs to have a separate relationship with his youngest, on her terms and that that is how it will be. Now if there was good reason....say I'd been awful to her or picked on her or just plain unwelcoming, I could accept that she doesn't want ME in her life. But it wasn't like that.

Eliza I remember your thread last Christmas (it's gone so fast it doesn't seem like a year ago!)
Go away with your DS. Time flies so fast you should enjoy your time with your DS while he is still young. Sod this stroppy cow and her tantrums - she is your DH's problem and quite frankly he is reaping what he has sowed with her. If he had nipped this appalling behaviour in the bud at age 11 then they would have a better relationship now.
This should serve as a warning to all these Disney dads who allow their dc to behave like this - they turn into horrible adults!!

Hi Kaluki yes, me again.

What a load of unbelievable horseshit it is! I think it was around Boxing Day last year, after tears and rows on Xmas Eve, that I said aloud..."next year, we'll go to my sisters' place. It seemed SO logical, inevitable then. Now, I'm being made to choose again.

I'm very lucky with my family in that everyone is welcome, the more the merrier etc. I have known my big sis to invite virtual (old age pensioner) strangers on Xmas day because they were "on their own". My dh's family aren't so much "better" than us but I know that is the general, overall feeling I perceive. My lot aren't too "civilised"

Your lot sound lovely - I know where I'd rather be

She sounds awful Eliza and there really is no excuse at her age.
My sd was also 12 when I met her and she hated me before we'd even met and I was warned on numerous occasions, in various unsubtle ways, to stay away from her dad. (i wasn't the ow) 5 years on and she apparently suffers from depression and self harms all because her father moved on. She's totally egged on by her mum who tells her that he doesn't want her since he met me (not true at all) and also that her own mental health problems are hereditary.
I totally agree with needaholidaynow - When I was a teen my father had an affair and left us, then when I was 22 he died. Hardly a pleasant experience but I also dealt with it well rather than blaming the experience for all my future mistakes and pressing self destruct.
If I was you then I'd go to see my family and have a wonderful time with your son. It's sad that your husband won't be able to come with you but you deserve a stress free Xmas x

The consensus is...go. I think I knew that anyway. So sad.

Absolutely agree with everyone else - you need to go and see your family with DS not least so he doesn't run the risk of a nasty hostile atmosphere if this appallingly rude and manipulative young woman (she is NOT a child) deigns to grace your household with her presence.

I know that's not ideal - I know you want everyone together, having a good time, but if she turns up that isn't going to happen is it ? I too wonder what on earth your DH is playing at. It'd be bad enough - and rude enough - if she got on with you, but at this stage hadn't yet "decided" if she was coming or not. The fact he seemingly expects you to sit around in limbo (and your DS) just in case of a fucking royal visit (excuse my language but I'm furious for you) is dreadful - and, that's before the potential - based on past experience - of being ignored and/or insulted in your own home. Just can't believe he'd expose you to all that and is now peed off because understandably you don't exactly relish the prospect.

If he doesn't like the idea of you removing yourself and your son from what would be a stressful and upsetting situation then tough shit - bloody well do something about it .... like telling this brat to grow up and get real. She doesn't have to be your best friend, but she should show you and your home some basic respect. He should be telling her that this has gone on long enough and that he's appalled and disappointed by her nasty immature behaviour. At the very least he should be trying to find out why she's such a horrid piece of work ...... it did occur to me whether or not her mother's lied about you. Is there any possibility you're being held responsible for her parents' marriage ending ? Can't really think of anything else (unless you'd done something to her which clearly you haven't) which would cause such a lasting level of hostility. Perhaps she needs to be set very clear about her mother's behaviour.

Who, BTW, ignores your son and calls him "precious" ..... is it the SD or your DH - or both ? Because that's disgusting too and if it's your DH even more so when his daughter is flouncing about like a diva calling all the shots. If that's not precious I don't know what is.

The step daughter got very drunk one night (a while ago) and she was asked to leave a house party. Her mum phoned DH, refusing to go for her. So, she came to us and was vociferously demanding to be taken "home". Now, I was in bed, so was ds. However, she could be heard shouting that "THIS is NOT my home, not while SHE'S here". Quite rightly, she was told to keep her voice down and then went I to a tirade about how "we mustn't disturb Eliza and her precious son!" We got (because her dad told her to) a half-hearted apology the following day. And I got to clean the vomit off the bathroom door and her carpet. And, about a month later, her rolled up, vomit spattered clothing, shoved under the bed. But, we said "she's young/a teenager/confused/been through a divorce etc etc.....

I WILL go to my family. It's the right thing to do. This however, was NOT what I envisaged when DH and I married. It was obvious that ds would not be happy, even before I moved in (3 weeks prior to a very low, low key wedding) but DH said he she would have to accept it, there was NO REASON for her to NOT like me and anyway, he didn't need her permission or blessing to remarry. Right-O, then!

As for her mum. Well, the kids know why their parents split. And she was old enough to remember that dad had another girlfriend before me so no, that wasn't an issue. However, it was kept very quiet from his ex, that I'd a) moved in and b) we'd married. And yes, ex went up the wall when she found out saying he'd let his kids down and abandoned them. And that's SD's mantra now.... "I still need my dad...you've abandoned me!"

Sorry, meant to type SD wouldn't be happy with ds and I moving in and then marrying...

Sorry op but I doubt she will change anytime soon. Personally I would go to my sisters and take my son and my husband. He can live without seeing his adults kids for one year and finally, for once have a stress free time. Your husband needs to stop pussy footing around her and show a united front. You are his wife, you are a nice person and you shouldn't have to live like this! Good luck op.

Why can't you, your DH and DS do your own thing on xmas day and then DH can take his DC out for a meal on Boxing Day?

Yes Louby that sounds reasonable. We'd be away Xmas Eve, Xmas day and Boxing Day but after, we'd be home. It's a very long journey to do for one night only and ds isn't the best traveller.

What I did suggest earlier in the year was that he meet with her and find out what she wants to happen in future and how her behaviour (past & present) will pan out for all of us, in the years to come. What I did say was that in view of the 2 and a half years of boycotting our home, her just turning up at Xmas/Easter/her birthday and us having to make like nothing has happened, simply wouldn't do. That some kind of discussion would need to take place so that come some "occasion" we weren't all forced to bury our heads in the sand, like nothing's happened.

I think that was reasonable. I think him meeting her for dinner just so she can see him and pretending I don't exist (remember, he's not supposed to bring me up in conversation) enables her to blank me and is frankly, an insult.