I must remain calm, patient, detached

[AliceinWonderhell]

DSS (10) is spending the night with us at the weekend.

He's not stayed for a couple of months, since he told his mum he didn't want to come because he was 'scared' of DH. This resulted in his Mum applying to dismiss the current Contact Order requiring her to make DSS available for contact, and seek legal advice about removing DH's PR all-together. Several periods of court-ordered contact have been refused.

Since then, nothing has changed. Noone has got to the bottom of what he is/was scared of, or what can be done to allieviate it. Other then the legal action that has come about as a result if his fear, it's as if it doesn't exist.

The Initial court hearing will be in a few weeks. But DSS now wants to come this weekend.

I am at a loss to see how this can be anything other than a mitigated disaster.

Of course, it's quite possible that a few minutes before DH picks him up, DSS will change his mind and decide he's 'scared' again. I'm almost hoping that is the outcome.

If he wants to come and stay that could be a very good sign for you with going to court in a couple of weeks. I'd write down the date he stayed and other dates if he stays further. Present it to the courts and ask why is there a request to remove a contact order when quite clearly he still wants to come after the date the application was submitted.

I can't see her getting anywhere with PR being removed, though. Not without extremely good cause and evidence to back it up.

Good luck with the weekend Alice!

you cannot remove a parents PR... the only way a parent looses PR is through adoption.

Just to clarify, we know she can't achieve removal of PR, but it's a good indication of the degree of fear DSS must have been displaying if that was considered a solution.

I don't understand why she's happy to place DSS in DH care now if he was so terrified a few weeks ago that the best way to reassure him was to suggest removing DH as his father ?

Is there any way she might have instilled some sort of fear in to your DSS mind herself, thus making him "scared" of your DH.

Very odd if a child is so "terrified" that it has to go to court, yet has overcome it suddenly to wanting overnights. It sounds like some sort of control game to me.

How has contact been until the recent 'too scared'?

What is his Mum like? Any chance she was after more CSA/control initially but has now realised that she 'doesn't get a break'?

Do you think DSS was genuinely scared?

Oh, his mum makes no secret of the fact that she doesn't want the DCs to have anything to do with DH - DSD (16) was no contact for two years and when she got back in touch (after her Mum hit her during an argument) she told us that her mum would actively punish them if they expressed anything positive about their Dad.

DSD has gone no-contact again since she got arrested for shoplifting a few months ago -she sought DHs help but then didn't want to face the consequences. Initially, DSS Mum said DSS didn't want to see DH because of all the 'upset' around that, but then she said he was increasingly scared and 'anguished' at the thought of seeing DH.

Contact has never been 'stable' - there have been regular disruptions every few months where DSS either 'doesn't want to come', 'isn't feeling right' or wants to change things. Sometimes he seems fairly comfortable here, other times he seems withdrawn and stressed. We've always tried to treat him as part of the family but its clear that causes him issues sometimes - and there are the usual issues about clothes and belongings which she insist he brings and wears (he's got plenty here already); he accounts for every last sock that comes from his Mums and makes sure it goes back for washing.

I think he'd probably prefer it if he didn't have to come because then he doesn't 'upset' his Mum, but also worries that his dad will be upset if he doesn't come. Whether he is scared, I'm not sure, although Soc Serv have been involved previously regarding violence between DSD and her Mum which DSS witnessed.

I have no idea of the best way to interact with him this weekend - fortunately, I'm not going to be at home much!

Alice, I can't help but feel incredibly sorry for your DSS. It sounds as though he is being pulled and pushed, and he is being made responsible for his mum's happiness. His mum actively punishes them for being positive about their dad? That's disgusting. I guess you are reluctant to raise the issue with him either, as that will lead to him being more stressed and upset. So so sad, and no wonder the child is mixed up and unsure. It makes me .

I hope you have got records of all of this to tell the court. I can't imagine them approving.

Terrible.

I hope you get it sorted eventually, although fear DSS may need to see professionals to help him cope.

I agree with UC, the poor boy doesn't know if he's coming or going. Your husband's ex seems very unstable and is clearly showing signs of EA in relation to her son.

Only today it's been on the news about child depression, anxiety and stress. All things your DSS seems to be showing signs of going through. :(

I wish I had any confidence in the Court proceedings, but so far, I believe that DSS has been let down by all the agencies that are supposed to help him.

Soc Serv looked into the physical abuse allegations and mum admitted it, so they closed the case. They recommended that DSS was given some form of professional support but when DH tried to arrange it, DSS mum refused.
The school have listened to DHs concerns, and given DSS support when he's been distracted in class or got a bit physical in the playground - they too recommended play therapy but wouldn't refer DSS unless both parents agreed.

DSS has recently written about the fights between his mum and sister in his schoolwork and also wrote that his family didn't need a man because "he's done his job". Perhaps I'm being unrealistic but I would have expected that to ring alarm bells with the school. I suppose it does corroborate what DH has been telling them.

:(

What a hateful woman to do that to her kids.

The good thing is that they are almost grown and will be able to make their own decisions re their Dad without the consequences being so harsh. It's never going to be easy for them, not even as adults, but at least they are/will soon be of an age where her 'punishment' is unenforceable/ineffective.

I hope the weekend goes OK.

DSD doesn't live at home anymore though - she visits some weekends, that's all.