Bad Stepmum!!

[fallenhero]

We were granted custody of my partner's 8yr. old daughter last year as she had been frightened on a daily basis by the mother's boyfriend, the mother lied in court to protect the boyfriend and totally disregarded her daughter's fear, the daughter consequently turned her back on her mother though she now misses her....we already have my partner's 11yr. old son living with us since three years as the mother couldn't cope with his bad behaviour - he's well behaved with us. Over a period of time however, the children have become sympathetic of their mother, she has told so many lies about us, they really have been brainwashed into thinking we're the "baddies". Recently we went to court for a review of the contact between mother and daughter, social services did a report and I was gutted to discover that both children had told social services that I was nasty to them when their father wasn't around, everyone knows it was the mother's influence on the children, the social services report even stated that I was very warm, caring and very supportive. The mother got a blasting from the judge for manipulating the children, even social services threatened to restrict access between mother and children if she didn't stop but I cannot help feeling betrayed and very upset by the terrible things the children said about me, I thought our relationship was stronger than that....anyone else have a similar experience?

Firstly, you are still a hero for going through all of this and hanging on in there and still being a warm, caring, and supportive step-mum, many other people would have thrown in the towel.

Secondly, of course the childen are going to listen to their mother when she says bad things. Maybe their mother picked up on a time that you told dsd off when her Dad wasn't there and used it to brain-wash her dd.

I can't understand why the Mother would want to do this to her daughter, doesn't she realise the damage she is doing to her? It makes me so angry when Mums use their children as weapons when there is a split, it can cause long term emotional damage. The children must come first!

And as you are a hero I know you will do the very best you can for your step-children to ensure that they grow up in a loving, stable home, you are doing a great job.

They can't help it. She is their mother, and they are absolutely desperate for her approval. They are only children and she is an adult - children can be shockingly naive about adults they love. Your relationship will stay strong, please don't take personally what they have said.

I agree with colditz.

Yes, please don't take it personally, I totally agree with colditz post.

Thank you Squirrel3, everyone knows the mother is a terrible mum.....except the children of course - she had plans to run off to Brazil with the daughter - she'd actually registered her in a school over there and told her not to tell any of us, she was just going to run off with the boyfriend and little girl - we'd never see the daughter again as we wouldn't have known where she was and she obviously wouldn't ever see her son again!! The children are aware of all that and yet amazingly within a very short space of time both children actually think their mother is wonderful and I'm terrible - even though it was actually myself and their father who listened to the daughter's cry for help - she kept saying over and over that she was going to die and it took a while to figure out exactly what was going on. I know this is all the mother's influence but HOW is that actually possible?? .....it's heartbreaking, at home they seem fine but obviously they just don't trust us anymore - yet we've done everything possible for them.....roll on ten years when they'll be old enough to understand how bad their mother really is!!!

The children have a natural in built loyalty to their bm, they dont know what they are doing. They probably think they are protecting their mum who must seem to them to be in a sorry state.
I feel for you but it will blow over and try not to let it cloud your judgement of them. Remember she probably put them up to it.

Your last sentance say's it all - history will tell the truth - these kids will grow into adults who will realise how lucky they were to have you intheir lives. They really can't help their behaviour now, the only thing you can do is love them despite it.

Thank you everyone, I'm starting to feel the black cloud lifting, it was a shock to the system to say the least. The children have gone to school and things were normal as ever with them this morning, milling around me to show me things they'd done for school etc, I have to come to terms with the fact that it was actually the mother talking to social services through the children via all the brainwashing they've had. Motherhood is a thankless job at the best of times, STEP-motherhood even more so!!!

I am shocked, she was going to run away to Brazil with her, thank god you were on the ball and discovered it before it was too late! The fact that you did shows how close you are to dsd.

Like Colditz says, "They can't help it. She is their mother, and they are absolutely desperate for her approval. They are only children and she is an adult - children can be shockingly naive about adults they love. Your relationship will stay strong, please don't take personally what they have said."

You are right that in 10 years time they will see what is what for themselves, hang on in there. Keep on posting, we will all support you and try to help out the best we can, it may be a bit tough for a while but you can and will get through this.

Thanks Squirrel3, yes Brazil was a shock, the mother has been living in Portugal for the last 9yrs. so my partner had the little girl's passport when she came over for her usual holiday with us - he noticed, purely by chance the Brazilian stamp in her passport, when he asked if she'd been there she denied it as the mother had told her to keep it a secret!! We eventually discovered that the mother and boyfriend were planning to run off to Brazil with the money from the sale of the house in Portugal that my partner had paid for!!! there was no "For Sale" sign but it was advertised on 5 different estate agents' web sites!! The worst part of it all though was that she was prepared to run off knowing the little girl would never see her Daddy again, neither was she going to have any contact with her son who lives with us....the boy knows all this unfortunately as his sister told him - yet despite this, he at almost 12yrs. of age thinks the mother is wonderful! To me the mother is just evil, thankfully the courts think so too!!!

Eventually your stepchildren will realise that their mum doesn't always tell the truth. My dsd's mum used to be very negative towards people, me one week, her mum the next, if you get my drift. Our Social Worker, at the time, told the bm to stop being negative in front of the children about people otherwise they would eventually wonder why their mum was always bad mouthing people who were always good to them, and go against their mum. Dsd's, whilst quite sad, have also realised that bm never keeps promises about doing things or buying things, and now don't get too disppointed when they don't happen.

Keep your spirit up it sounds like you are doing a wonderful (and yes thankless) job.

Hi mummyno2, the problem I had with accepting what the children had said about me was the fact they KNEW their mother had plans to run off and take Daddy's money, the boy knew that his mother was going to disappear and never contact him again - there've been many times when he's been rejected in favour of the younger girl.....they also know that their mother lied in court to protect her boyfriend and not the daughter....yet they still think she's wonderful and I'm nasty!! I've come to terms with it now and realise I can't let the mother win by wrecking the relationship I've had with the children.....so we put it all behind us and battle on! I know the children are confused by it all, I'm just going to carry on as normal, that's what the children need and want anyway - stability.