Moving in with partner with child - advice would be much appreciated!

[Vicky021984]

Hi all,

I'm quite new to this and not really down with all the abbreviations but I'll try to explain myself as best I can!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. He's a wonderful man and, whilst things are in the fairly early stages, I have a good feeling about this one! He is separated from his wife and the divorce is a work in progress. He has a 3 year old daughter and relations with his ex seem to be as civil as they possibly can in these sort of situations. He has his daughter on Saturday nights and this will go back to 2 nights a week when the weather gets warmer and lighter and his ex feels better about him dropping her off with him early mornings when it isn't so cold and dark. Plus he goes round to the exes house one night a week to put little'un to bed; so generally he sees quite a lot of his daughter and things seem to work well in terms of access. I have had no contact with his ex and none is planned - at this stage it wouldn't be appropriate.

I have only met his daughter a handful of times and we have always been on trips out where she has had plenty to look at and keep her amused and there has been no possibility of boredom. However she seems like a lovely little girl, we get on well and she appears to like me too. So far so good.

Recently he has floated the idea of us living together in the new year. It would be a convenience thing more than anything. He currently spends the majority of time at my place (he had to move back in with his parents when he separated from his ex) and it seems daft that he's paying his Dad rent for a room he's barely in. The only issue would be his little girl, who would be spending at least one night a week with us, and this would most likely increase into spring of next year.

Really I'm just looking for advice and to benefit from the wisdom of some of the people here who have a bit more experience of this. I have no children of my own, and whilst I would like them some day, I'm very happy with my life the way it is at the minute, with minimal responsibilities! I think I'd just like to know a bit more about the daily realities of dealing with someone else's children and the politics that are surely involved!

Thank you all xx

Hi there - just to say hello and let you know there are lots of experienced SMs on here who will be sure to give you some good advice. If you have a look through the threads that are already here, you will get to see how people have coped with different arrangements and that might shed some light on your own situation. You will definitely see some eye-opening examples of the "politics" involved!

My first thoughts are that mum might not be happy about her daughter overnighting with you in the new year when she hasn't met you yet. I think it's up to your DP what he does in contact time but you may need to be prepared for relations with the ex to become less civil

Hope it all works out for you though

I think it's a bit soon to move in together. I moved in with my dp after about a year together with lots of activities done with his son, his ex had met me etc - obviously we didn't ask permission but we had to make sure his son was comfortable with it. Everything went smoothly but if you haven't had a lot of contact it might not be the best idea. Sounds like his ex might be a wee bit controlling is she? If so I would not rush into getting in to deep with this man. Do you think he will stand up to his ex when required when she wants unreasonable demands which are going to impact on you as well?

I moved into my DP's house after 6 months together, like you mainly due to financial circumstances.

I have one DSS who was 5 at the time and came to us eow. The first few weeks/ months were fine, as fairly new and novel and exciting. Then the next year was HARD as I started to come to terms with little and big realities like:

• being woken up early every weekend
• having to make all meals from a certain repertoire of things he would eat, and/or facing 'I don't like it' and food refusal.
• feeling guilty if I didn't spend time playing with him / doing activities with him, but then frustrated when I did because of thinking of all the tons of other things I wanted/needed to be doing
• watching films and TV that is child friendly all the time
• dealing with clothes/shoes/toys/towels/food wrappers left all over the place and not wanting to be constantly nagging at him to clear up after himself a bit more
• often wanting to rebuke certain behaviour or things said, but then not knowing if you should or if you are overreacting. A lot of 'if he was MY child, I'd...' going through your head while your tongue is being firmly bitten.
• having to plan and structure my weekend days around DSS, very little aimless downtime to just sit around on your own and watch crap TV while fiddling on the laptop
• generally feeling resentful that I had worked hard at work all week and weekends were precious to me, but I had to compromise eow about what I did with said weekend.
• the biggest one: dealing with the huge self absorption of young children and their assumption that the world revolves around them, their lack of recognition of the myriad of things that adults in their lives do for them and how many sacrifices are being made for them. Took me a while to realise this is just how children are, but it made me SO frustrated at times.

Reading back the above I sound like a bitch, but I should add most of these struggles were internal and I never knowingly took anything out on DSS who is a (mostly!) good, typical kid. Now, three years later, I have come to terms with most of the struggles. A lot of that was about ffinding a happy medium between involvement and detachment/me time, and understanding of what is normal child behaviour and what is actually 'naughty'.

TBH I think I'd have felt all of the above struggles even more keenly if it had been DP and DSS moving into MY house, instead of the other way round. I really advise you to think carefully yourself and discuss with your DP about things like mess/mealtimes/chores when DSD is there, how much you imagine functioning as a family while she is there, doing activities/quality time as a three as opposed to you doing your own thing as and when you want.

Obviously this is all heavily influenced by my experience, but it's all I have to go on! I obviously thought it was worth it as I am still here, but as a childless person it was HARD coming to terms with the realities of having a kid in my life and home on a regular and permanent basis...

I think if you feel it's right to move in together then do. I think six months is plenty of time to get to know each other. My husband and I moved in quickly and four years down the line we are incredibly happy Kids are happy and healthy with no resentment or angst so it's worked out for us.
Good luck op

hi, I think before you move in together you should spend some more time with dss where all day us not fun and entertaining because the reality is that, that is when you start to build a real relationship and see a more realisticeexperience of what it will be like.

also think through carefully the realistic implications of having a child a couple of times a week and speak with your dp about your role, what he expects of you and vice versa.

good luck.

Omg riverboat you have just written down everything I have found hardest about this all. Suddenly I can't just please myself all the time. Added to that you will have a woman who you may hate, like or love trying to call the shots in your life. Things You have always wanted to do may have to be put on hold because of the step child such as travelling. Don't underestimate how much of yourself you will have to give to make this child happy. My dss is absolutely lovely most of the time but I'm glad my dp doesn't expect me to do any actual parenting unless I want to.

Great advice Riverboat! I did exactly this, OP, 15 yrs ago. What I found hardest came later, when we had children of our own and I had to go from giving my DSD all my devoted attention to having to share it out a lot!! Actually I adored the time with my DSD when she was little (she is 18 now ) and loved being able to play dolls, watch Disney and bake biscuits. She actually got a much better version of me than my bio kids have as I got a rest when she was at her mums!

What I'm trying to say is yes, it takes some adjustments, but it can also be wonderful.

Recently he has floated the idea of us living together in the new year. It would be a convenience thing more than anything. He currently spends the majority of time at my place (he had to move back in with his parents when he separated from his ex) and it seems daft that he's paying his Dad rent for a room he's barely in.

Do you see your life as being a convenience to someone?

I would advise you strongly not to move a guy in permanently to your house who you have only been with 6 months and is in the middle of a divorce/separation involving a 3 year old daughter.

Sounds like he sees you as a convenient "next move" to be frank.
I'm not saying he doesn't have geniune feelings for you but it is always easier to move (someone) in than out!

As for his financial outlay for staying at his dad's, well, that is life. There is no free lunch.
You are not responsible for his choices in life or his financial commitments.

Why don't you give it a year and see how it goes? Especially with his daughter. She is actually the most important in this equation.

Going from a non-parent to a stepmum to a 3 year old is a húge change to your life.

I agree with Ananda. This should not be done for convenience or to save him money. It should be a joint decision because you are both ready.
He should stay at yours with his dd for a while so that you can give it a try and see if it would work on a permanent basis. You can then watch how he parents her and iron out any problems before it becomes something you can't get out of.
Everything Riverboat said is spot on. I have found it so hard and I have two children of my own, I'm sure it would have been a lot harder if I hadn't had any.

What does he expect of you regarding his dd? Is he very hands on or does he want you to take on some responsibility for looking after her etc? What do you want to do?
How does he get on with his ex? Will she like the idea of you and him living together or will she be obstructive? Not that its got anything to do with her but she could potentially cause difficulties and you need to take it into consideration.
Don't underestimate the value of 'me' time. You probably take it for granted now but you will miss it when its gone.
Sorry I think that sounds negative, its not meant to, just want to say its not something to do lightly.

Vicky, I agree with the others, don't move in with this man because it will suit him. Do it for the right reasons.

My dh moved in with me because we decided to get married and start a family. If that's genuinely your Dp's intentions then that's OK, but not fair to a little one unless you are both ready to commit to each other properly.

I think if you have scope to give your DSD a bedroom then that's a good way for them to get used to you and your home and settle quickly. Even now the children share at ours, DSS has his own personal space in there up by his top bunk. I think it took about 18 months before DSS felt at home here.

Yes there is a certain amount of adjusting to sharing your home with a child but I approached it with an open mind and a practice run before we had our two little ones.

Having kids whether your own or your partners is going to change your world. So its very important that you and your dp are honest about the motivations behind him moving in, and what you both expect your role to be, and his. Its very easy for some men to install a second wife/mother figure in their children's lives so they don't have to do any nitty gritty parenting.

I really think you need to spend more time together with your partner's DD before deciding to live together.
I did nearly a year of staying at DPs EOW, and one night during the week before I moved in. I was involved in the children's routine - e.g. helping get ready for bed/school, helping with homework, supporting DP with anything else like encouraging table manners, playing nicely etc.

It's still quite hard now I live there full time, but it is different to your situation in that DP has residency so it's much more full-on.
They are lovely children and it's great when they want cuddles and to spend time with me.

Do not rush the decision due to convenience!

Riverboat you don't sound like a bitch at all. (I am not a stepmother but I have a 5 year old!) The reality of having children is a massive shock to the system - it must be multiple if they are (a) not biologically your own, and (b) starting out as a fully grown child rather than a cute/easy/harmless newborn, even though they aren't there all the time. It's a big deal.

I think Stepmooster has an excellent point as well.

Overall my initial reaction to your OP was "Far too soon!" and having read the other responses, I'd stick with that. Give it a year or two together, during that time spend time with your SD-to-be, and work up to spending the whole weekend that she's there, there as well. If you can fit in a holiday together, that's a nice way of seeing what it's like to live with someone for a longer period even though it isn't really "normal life".

Vicky I agree with the others. You are in the first 'throes' of the relationship and you need to get to know each other better and move in together because you want to share your lives, not because it is 'convenient' to him.

I was in this situation a few years ago - I got together with a guy who was separated but wasn't divorced yet. I got very badly used and very badly hurt - and yes the relationship was wonderful at the beginning. I ended up being a convenience to him and a punchbag for his divorce angst.

I'm not saying this will definitely happen to you - but go careful. Any guy who hasn't sorted out his divorce, in many senses hasn't finished his old relationship yet and all its issues and emotional baggage. Look after YOURSELF. Let him take responsibility for his own issues and own life arrangements, and give yourselves some space.

Good luck!

First time I've used mumsnet so here goes.
I became a stepmum as a mid twenty something and at that time life revolved round me. It was the shock of my life to suddenly meet 2 small people.... who knew for certain that life revolved round them. It was so hard as I had no 'mentor', no guidebooks, no online discussion groups etc to see how to be a step parent. As a result I got so much wrong - telling them off for not saying please, thankyou, for refusing point blank to eat certain foods etc etc. I feel so guilty about it now that I have babas of my own and I have 'grown up' to realise that children are bloody hard work and it takes skill and time to know how to treat your own, let alone children that you rarely see. All I can say is - firstly DO NOT RUSH IN TO ANYTHING. If you fall out of love with your chap then it may prove hard to split wiht him for fear (often irrational) of fooking the stepkids up. Therefore take your time and don't become a part of the kiddy's life too soon for both of your sakes. SEcondly, be open with your partner, discuss fears and discuss what your role is. I have (hopefullly) grown up a little now and have a great rel with my stepkids (I hope, despite my initial failings). You will give up a lot as a stepmum so ensure that you have time to yourself (hard I know when that are demanding you and all you want to do is go to the loo in peace).
Best of luck, if it works you can establish a beautiful and life-lasting relationship and when they tell you they love you, it's amazing. xx