I'm at the end of my rope and hope someone can help.
Background: been with DP for 7 years, known his girls 13 and 10 for 4 years, lived with their dad for 3 years, no joint children (yet). DPs marriage broke down because his ex 'no longer loved him' she then met someone else and asked for a divorce. DP and I started dating before they were divorced. After their house was sold the girls and their mum moved in with the someone else who was (sensibly IMO) positioned as mummy's friend. After 6 months they split up and moved out. Since then the girls have got to know 5 of their mums boyfriends. DP and I continued to see each other but waited 2.5 years before I met his girls.
Situation: DPs ex recently told his eldest that DP and I had an affair and that caused their marriage to end. I have not spoken to DSD about this as it has never been brought up to me. DP has tried to explain things without being unkind about her mum. I think this might be the root of the current issues which are:
- DSD is constantly unkind/rude to me. She judges everything I do from how I dress to how I drive to the career choices I have made
- DSD is constantly seeking reassurance that she is better than me e.g. Daddy who's the best cook me or Heidi? who's the fastest swimmer?
- DSD is seems unable to show enthusiasm/excitement for anything much. It feels like nothing is good enough - holiday, what we do at the weekend, the property were thinking of moving to (which we have chosen with her needs and her sisters at the heart)
- if I go out with friends she wants to come; if I'm not in when she's here she gets angry and tells me I should make more an effort with her and her sister
- every decision DP and I make is questioned and criticised from how much we spend on a holiday (which makes us 'tight') to where we decide to take my mum for dinner when she comes down (which is also 'mean')
- I feel like the power in our home has shifted... We are afraid of doing/saying certain things because of DSDs reaction e.g. We are taking a short break over NYE (the only one we have had as a couple alone this year and we haven't told DSD because she will be jealous and feel excluded; we let certain behaviour go because picking it up is seen as a criticism and results in anger, tears and an atmosphere that will stick until DSD is in charge again.
I have only twice said anything and I will never do it again - the first time resulted in DSD screaming at me (literally) and was left with her believing that I was wrong to suggest she had been rude and that me suggesting it was in fact me being rude. The second time (this weekend) she called her mum and loudly spoke about me and DP and our inadequacies.
At the heart of it I can see this is a troubled girl. I'm trying to separate normal teen behaviour from behaviour that we need to help her with and I desperately need some practical help from others who understand the step parenting and parenting tightrope. How can DP and I reassure her she is loved while also drawing the line when she is unkind?