Problems with DH and DS1, advice needed

[pedilia]

Ds1 is 51/2 and DH is his stepdad, has been sor the last 31/2 years.
We also have DS2 (nearly 2) and number 3 on the way.

The problem is the obvious resentment DH feels towards DS1, he can do the smallest thing and DH will go mad at him screaming and shouting or he is totally inconsisitent when he is telling him off.He also goads him, winding him uo until DS1 does not know what to do with himself.

He has been like this since our son was born which I can understand but does not make it right.He had a choice to become invovled and to marry me, he is the adult so why can't he behave like one.

I respect his feelings and don't expect him to love him like his own, bout not to try and exclude him from the family. I have tried talking to him and he just gets really immature or mean.

What do I do next? Something has to change, if he can't I feel our marriage will dissolve. Why can't he understand that the way he loes DS2 is the way I love both my boys.

pedilia, that sounds awful.

and your expectations are low - I would actually expect any stepdad to love my children, albeit not in the same way as they would their own. I would certainly expect more than "not to make him feel excluded".

think you need to look at counselling asap, pref before the baby is born.

Can you go to a counsellor? Sorry, no experience, I'm lucky in that dh is fab with ds, who isn't his, but I'd find it very hard in your position. have you told dh how you feel? Have you asked how he'd feel if you did the same to ds2? Sorry not to be more helpful, I think I'd find this very hard. As you say, your dh married both of you really and he needs to change this behaviour becauase it's not jsut some irritating little thing, it's going to deeply affect your ds.

i am a residential step mother, there is a difference in age as my ss is now 16 and i became involved with dh when ss was 10. we have two ds of our own. I have found it very difficult to love ss as i do my own. this changed when i had ds1. i am not proud of the way i feel. my dh says as you do how i love my two boys he loves all three of them. to cut a long story short ss has now left. i also thought that if ss hd been younger then he and i would have had a better relationship. i am not condoning youe dh actions but i do understand his thought process. i agree that couselling would be a good start, but you need to source that properly and have family mediation.

feel free to use me as a punchbag about dh behaviour might give you the insight you need to sort it out

Well my dss is 17, and he has lived with us for the past 3 years and it is difficult dealing with another womans baby( a 6 ft baby) but I do love him. I don't think it's too much to expect for your dh to love your little boy.

Your poor little boy. To be growing up in a home where one of his parents doesn't love him and treats him as a second-class member of the family, is just terrible. If anyone did this to my DS, I think I would very quickly fall out of love with him, to be frank.

I think you need to get family counselling as a matter of urgency. If this continues, you are very likely to lose your DS in his teens.

We have talked at length on several occasions and things have improved each time, but it is not enough I have told him today that this is the final chance.
I am the only one who has my sons best interets at heart and I will not compromise his happiness for anyone.
DH is an adult he has meade his chpices and decisions for himself, I am the only one wh can do that for DS1

Thanks everyone for your support and advice

anniemac, your post is absolutely how I feel.

DS1 still has limited contact with 'sperm donor' as i call him as he is really not interested.

DH has obviously thought about things since the realisation that if it came a choice DS wins every time, I will not tolerate that behaviour anymore.
So far so good, but it has to be committed and meaningful