Rant....

[Beccawoo]

So, my husband walked out 2 years ago leaving me with a newborn and a 2 year old. 3 months ago I moved in with my new partner as XH demanded sale of our house, so made sense to move in with new man. All is good, except he also has a 4 year old son who stays with us every weekend (my XH has our children every other weekend) so basically some weekends we have 3 children and others just his one.

Anyway, my rant is thus - new partner seems to find it difficult acknowledging that this is my childrens' main home and his sons second home. He keeps moaning about petty things like the fact I have more of my son's artwork from play group on the kitchen wall than his. How am I supposed to equal this?! If his son doesn't produce pictures, it is not my fault, and equally why should I be telling my son that I can't put his work on the wall because there would be too many compared to my partners son?! I try really hard to do things equally but new partner doesn't seem to be able to accept that my children live here 27 days a month whereas his son lives here 5 days a month..... Therefore mine will have more stuff etc.

Any advice?!

I feel your pain. I should warn you that many posters may insist that your stepson should be considered to have two homes, not a 'main home' and a 'second home.' However I agree entirely with your comment that if he only spends 5 nights per month with you, then it's hardly comparable to a child that's with you nearly full time. And resident children shouldn't have to be treated less favourably in order to compensate.

Some men find it almost impossible to accept that they are no longer a resident parent.

You are right petal, obviously it is as much his sons home as my childrens home and that is fine. What I feel angry about is that I somehow have to compensate and tone down my own children because his son is only here one day and night a week. I know it is stupid to moan about children's artwork but it is just an example of how he obviously feels his son is somehow pushed aside and not equal. Obviously he hasn't noticed that there are even less paintings again from my own daughter - she doesn't paint much - and I have no problem with them not all being equal and the same!

Sounds like he's a bit insecure about not seeing his son very much?

How new is your new partner?

He loves his son as much as you love yours. It's probably hitting home how much he is missing seeing his child grow up. Of course he wants his son to feel at home and not just visiting his dads new family.

What about getting some pictures of the children to put up if he doesn't have much art to display.

I think I'd try not too read too much into it really. He misses his DS and it rubs it in that he's not there as much as yours. Why not get the paints out next time his DS is there and let them all do some paintings for the walls?
We have exactly the same set up as you btw - me and my DCs moved in with my DP. DSC come every weekend whilst mine are off to their dad's EOW. We do pretty much operate on the basis that the DCs are all equally part of the family when they're around. Photos on the wall help mark that I think.

Lunar, we have been together for about 18 months and just moved in together a couple of months ago. Possible it was too soon but it was sort of pushed that way as my XH forced the sale of our house as part of the divorce so it seemed the obvious time to pool resources.

Yes he is insecure about not seeing his son enough and unfortunately also doesn't rate his ex as a parent at all so makes him more so.

Roses - there are photos everywhere, of all the children, perhaps even more of his than mine which is fine. His son and mine share a room with bunk beds and I've gone to great efforts to make sure that both names are on the door, matching bedding, etc etc. Most of the toys are all downstairs and just all mixed up together, my 2yo daughters too. I have no problem with any of them playing with anything they like, including his son when my kids are not here. I think his son is quite happy and at home here but I don't know what to do to make my DP more comfortable and see that sometimes he is being unfair to my children and resenting that they are there almost all the time.

Just to add, I feel like he doesn't consider that my son is a year younger than his and has been through a lot too - a dad who walked out, having to leave the only home he's ever known, having to share a bedroom when he's always had his own, and now to start being told he can't do or have certain things because it wouldn't be equal with my partners son is very unfair. As another example, he has a clock bought for his christening with his name on which 3 months in I've still not put on the wall because I know it will be another source of contention - DP will insist that it isn't fair and need to go and buy one with his son's name on and put both up. But is it fair that my son shouldn't have his up? If his son owned one then great, put both up, but why feel the need to buy one so they are 'equal'?

Sorry, all sounds quite petty and ridiculous I know, there are far bigger issues in life and hopefully we at least have those covered! Is just the little things that niggle at me....

beccawoo I couldn't be doing with that like you I would find that really annoying. ds and stepson share a room they both have their bed wardrobe each share a TV . Both chose a huge poster art for the wall but ds has framed photos my sister has drawn on the wall for him because it's his room too. If S's wanted a picture we would put it up but I wouldn't go out and buy one out of fairness. We initially had this that "ds got this when we weren't here" but it was pointed out that they do and get things with mum too. I would never actively leave my stepchildren out but they have two homes my ds does not. I haven't got much practical advice to be honest but I totally know where you are coming from

I can relate to this too. My step kids get jealous of my ds despite them having two parents who fight for them, a nice room in two houses etc etc.

My ds has more "stuff" here than they have and my step kids are quick to notice. They conveniently forget that they have a whole other home with their stuff in.

If I were you, if keep banging on about how lucky dss is to have two homes. Eventually he might get the message. I know it's hard for a absent parent to realise that their home isn't the be all and end all for their child (unlike yours) but it is a reality they need to come to terms with and if you can paint it in a positive light, he might stop all this silly compensatory behaviour.

Maybe show your DP this thread. Actually, I think his approach will lead to more problems in the future. If his DS always has to have all the same things as your DS, then he may become very spoilt.

You shouldn't need to feel you can't put the clock up. Just put it in "his" half of the room, and encourage your DSS to put anything he wants up in his half - it doesn't need to be a clock with his name on, it could be any old poster or picture that he has.

My DH has been like that about DSD having less here then our DCs do. I just keep telling him that ours live here so everything they have is here whereas DSD lives with her mum so most of her stuff is there and she needs less here.

It's hard at times and I get frustrated but it has got better now. At first I think he felt that DSD didn't get as much as ours which is true in a way but as I kept telling him, our DCs only had us to get their clothes/toys etc ad they only had things here. DSD got things from us and her mum, she also had most of her stuff at her mums as she spent 5/7 days there.

I think putting it like this helped my DH see that although there was less of DSDs things here, she wasn't left out compared to our DCs.

Is this your DP's problem or the children's?
If the dc are fine and haven't felt left out then your DP should wind his neck in and stop being so bloody childish.
My DP was like this when he moved in with me and he still can be a bit territorial, always making sure his kids aren't left out of anything but the kids don't care about any of it. They are all happy and as far as I'm concerned that's the main thing.
We had it with photos on the wall. There are more baby pics of my two as they have always lived there and I have a whole wall in our room of their school photos. I gave DP the opposite wall when he kicked up a stink about the injustice of it all but he never got round to framing any pictures so there are two photos of all the kids together which I framed.
Men!!!

Thanks all, is good to know it is fairly normal situation! It is definitely DP who had the problem, the boys are only 4 and 5 and couldn't care less! And yes Kaluki, he's supposed to have been sorting out more baby pics for ages but still not done it!!

It's good to hear the boys are perfectly happy. It's therefore doubly ridiculous that your DP is rattling on about something that isn't actually a problem - in fact it sounds like you've been very careful to create as much 'equality' as you can in the interests of being fair and avoiding any noses put out of joint. I just hope he doesn't whinge and whine - unnecessarily - about this perceived 'injustice' in front of either boy and risk whipping up a storm in a teacup for something that actually isn't a problem.

As others have said, it's inevitable that when children have two homes they are going to have different volumes or types of 'stuff' at either. Unless you have a very rigid 50:50 arrangement with identical clothing and toys at each place, there's probably always going to be more or less somewhere - and of course, logically, there'll be less stuff at the house where the child spends least time as - and it's not rocket science - they aren't actually there that often to use it! Doesn't mean the child is any less well thought of - it's just practicalities.

The clock thing is crazy. Why shouldn't it go up if DS wants it to - it was a Christening present after all and a special gift. If by some chance DSS noticed it and commented in an envious way then maybe a personalised item for him (doesn't have to be a clock, they're not clones) could be considered for birthday or Christmas - but DP certainly shouldn't be rushing out to get a duplicate to 'even things up'. That'd take the shine off DS's special thing and would be very unfair. DSS - if he had a problem - would simply have to learn that you don't get presents all the time your siblings do. So, when it's his birthday, he gets presents, when he got christened (or if he ever got christened) then he'd get presents then too and so on and so on. However, it doesn't sound like it's the child being worried here but his foolish father.