do we have a leg to stand on with contact from school?

[fairy1303]

DSD has just started at a new school. She lives with us full time.

I am main carer as DH is at work.
Mum is very VERY unreliable.

In the last school they understood - sent copies of letters to her etc but knew that she was last on list for emergencies etc and we got the daily info texts, for obvious reasons.

I explained situation to class teacher at new school and also admin when submitting forms.

We found out last week that mum has been getting 'annoying pointless texts' from the school - she didn't tell us as they 'weren't important'. DH made her forward them and she has had loads we haven't had - including school photos and shoe box appeal.

We had another incident before end of term when I asked teacher to call me - left home no and mob no and he never did. I accosted him in playground and he apopologised and said 'I thought it was mum'.

I am aware that if I go in and lay it on the line, I could look like an interfering SM, but this really could be a welfare concern - DSDS mum does bare minimum and genuinely, if the school contacted her in an emergency she would either ignore them or not pass on the message.
DH can't go into the school as he cannot get any time of work at the moment without losing pay which we can't afford for something like this where I could (and usually would) sort it.

He is suggesting sending me with a letter giving permission to discuss it.

I don't have PR.

Why doesn't your DH write a letter explaining all of this and address a copy to the class teacher, the head teacher and the school secretary. The day after, I would get DH to phone the school, and ask the school secretary if she received the letter and whether she has amended the contact details accordingly. If she hasn't, ask her to confirm that this will be done by the end of the day, then ask to speak to the Head Teacher, and confirm that she received the letter etc. At pick up time I would speak to the class teacher - again, establish that she understands, and has all the relevant information.

It would probably help a great deal to have a letter from both your SDC's parents actually. Schools have a very hard time knowing what to do with separated families and may well have a policy in place around communications that reflects this. If you are your DSD's main carer and her mum is happy with this, and doesn't want to be the point of contact for the school, surely it would be most helpful for her to be the one to inform the school of that fact?

If she's not happy to tell them, or has specifically told them something else, it's probably something that needs to be resolved between her and your DH first so that they can present a united front in supporting your position at the school.

chocoreturns - that's much more sensible than mine!

*advice!

When you got the forms at the start of the term there will have been one for all her contacts and there will have been a place to say the order of priority in which to contact in case of emergency or for any emails-texts-letters etc. did you send that form in?

Chocoreturns - there is no such thing as a united front in her book - she is no front. She does not want to be involved with school but doesn't want to put herself out by contacting them either.

The forms with school don't have 'order of priority'

What they have is: space for mothers details, space for fathers details, 2 emergency contacts.

Obviously we have to put mum on there under 'mother' and as she has the same second name as DSD, and the school have 600 pupils, I think they didn't bother reading the address or further details and just put mum as main contact.

Anyway, went into school and they were very very helpful. I explained the situation and the concern and she basically ripped up the original contact sheep, told me to put myself as 'mother' ( whilst making it clear that I am SM) and detailing mum as last resort emergency contact.

Thanks for all your help.

• sheet

Although I would love to see a contact sheep!

Do you think that the mother would agree to you having parental responsibility? If so then the parents can make a formal agreement giving you PR. May save these problems in the future if you are often the first point of contact. It doesn't take PR away from existing parents.

I have discussed that with DH tess - he thinks she will not agree to it, she would think I was trying to adopt her I think.

She is happy to let me look after her but gets arsey about me being 'involved' ( whilst asking me to drive her to whatever location she is in because she can't be bothered to get a bus).

She's a funny mix - so apathetic, can't be bothered to look after DSD, doesn't do anything for her, doesn't pay anything, but doesn't want to admit what a small role she plays in her child's life and so wouldn't want me to have any actual rights - and as this is the first issue we've had, it wouldn't be worth going to court over I don't think.

That's a shame as it would be a sensible way of dealing with things and giving you clear authority to deal with schools, take her for medical treatment etc. It wouldn't diminish her 'rights'.

I can see why you wouldn't want to fight her in court for it if she won't agree amicably. Much better to have a good relationship for your DSD if possible.

Good luck with it!