New - just need some advice really..

[DLCC]

I have been with my partner for over a year, I have two DS 9 and 4, he has two as well, 10 and 8. He has 50% care of his boys and mine see their Dad every other weekend. We live about a 40 minute drive away from each other (DP and I). We have talked about living together but the logisitics of doing so are proving hard to work out, with regard to changing my children's schools etc, it makes sense for us to move to him as he has his boys 50% of the time and they live in the same town as his ex. We have decided that all going well we will make the move next summer in time for my to register my eldest son for secondary (he's currently Y5 so will have to make our choices by October 31st 2014)

I sway between thinking it's a great idea and the not so great... this weekend my DP said that he found this weekend a, 'challenge', with all the boys as they were quite feisty this weekend, we spent a lot of time reprimanding, he said he hates that when they're altogether and being a handful as it turns him into grumpy, shouty Dad. I said that even if they were full siblings they would still argue/fight/wrestle, they're 4 boys. He agreed and nothing more was said about it, day carried on as normal. I asked him whether he was having doubts about us and he said no. This the first time he's said anything like this before. I think it's because they only see each other every two weeks and they're excited and hyper about it, once they've been together for 12 hours or so they calm down.

Is anyone in a similiar relationship with same sex DC and DSC of a similar age? and how do you overcome the arguments/f/discipline etc?

I haven't any experience of this so take my comments with that in mind

I would think about waiting longer to move in together. Your relationship is still fairly new. Have you spent any long holiday together at his house?
Is there a reason you can't go on visiting the weekends and holidays for a good while longer?

You really need to listen to what your DP is saying. He has said he hates it when they are all together . This doesn't sound good.

I just want to leave it as it is for now but he has been pushing the moving in as he feels it's the next stage. Sorry I should have worded it better, he meant he hates how it turns him into shouty, grumpy Dad when they're being a bit of a handful... I think we just need to be more organised and structured on the weekends we're altogether so we're doing something with them most of the time rather than just sitting around in the house...

I moved in with my DP just over a year ago, with DCs with us similar amounts of time to yours and your DP's. Mine were aged 7 and 12 and DP's were 8-15. When you're used to just two, the level of noise and squabbling with them altogether is quite a shock - more so for me I think as my DP was used to 4 already. And added to that I think it's a lot harder to sort things out fairly when you instinctively understand and seek to protect your own DC more.

It was worse when we were just visiting - now that we're living together and everyone has their own space, and the DCs are used to each other, it's calmed down a bit. On the other hand, there's no escaping back to my own house either...

We had a lot of friction between our youngest two - mainly due to my DD being jealous of sharing me, and DP's DS finding it hard to play fairly with a child who was younger than him. I reassured my DD a lot and their relationship now is great most of the time. We also tried to pinpoint the trigger times for when it all descended into chaos - bits of time when there was nothing going on, or they were waiting to go somewhere or do something tended to be worst. We try to avoid those. Being organised with what the DCs will be doing at different times helps, as does sending them out to bounce on the trampoline when they're bouncing off the walls. I've also relaxed on the amount of screen time I allow, partly because DP was already much more generous than I was but partly also as it's a way of ensuring a nice calm time if they're either gaming on their computers or watching TV.

But there are still fallouts, and we do still struggle with treating them fairly. I'm aware that I don't feel the same towards the DSC as I do my own but feel I try really hard to treat them fairly. But DD doesn't always feel that DP treats her fairly, and sometimes I think she's right, which has caused a bit of friction between us. I think you and your DP need to keep talking about it, acknowledging that going to a family of 4 for some of the time will feel quite different, and working out how to parent in quite a different style from what you're used to.

I totally agree with everything Purpleroses says.

I moved in with my partner nearly 5 years ago, and we have 4 boys too. At the time they were 9, 7 (his), 6 and 4 (mine). To be totally honest, the first 6 months were hell, with lots of fighting between the kids. This was mostly due to the eldest of each set (his DS1 and my DS1) both being used to being the eldest, and my DS1 is very competitive, so they fought a lot for position. Sometimes the fights were very physical, and I found that very hard to deal with. There is also some jealousy sometimes, as my DS1 and his DS2 get on extremely well, and his DS1 used to get jealous if they were playing, and try to disrupt it. Now he's older, he has his own friends, and that is less of an issue. 4 boys is a lot of testosterone, although the fights they have tend to be quite boistrous, they are also over quite quickly and then forgotten.

Like purpleroses, we are probably more relaxed than most about screen time, because that is one area where they can usually play together (we have an internal network and they play games against eachother), and we have a calmer time. We also look for trigger points. A big trigger point for fighting in our house is hunger, so we are quite routined in terms of food and times of meals - although as they are getting older, we can relax this a bit now.

It will be hard work. You really do need to love eachother to make it work out I think. We have had to have some very difficult conversations that just wouldn't happen in a nuclear family.

One think I would definitely do is discuss very clearly ground rules for discipline, and what you are/are not prepared to do. Also try to factor in still getting some time with your own children.

Good luck.

Also, it is very very hard to be totally fair when your heart wants you to support/comfort your own child. I have also found that really really hard.

Thanks so much purpleroses and UC, that advice is really, really useful (UC, especially with your boys almost exactly the same ages)
DP and I get on brilliantly but sometimes we do differ in our discipline rules and is hard to think of going from 3 to 6 50% of the time. Thanks again!

I've been with my DP for nearly 6 years now and we bought a house a year after meeting (madness when I think back but we were so in love lol).

I have 2 DS now 14 & 10 and he has 2 DD 15 & 14. The girls used to visit every other weekend (not now because of teenage issues/wanting to be with friends) and the boys live with us fulltime and spend 24 hours with their dad every weekend plus they go for tea on a Wednesday.

Luckily the kids all get on - they have had their moments together and argue but on the whole they have got on well. My youngest DS is often the triggering factor as he bounces around and annoys the elder 3.

We used to do loads of stuff with them when they were younger, cinema, walks, swimming, museums but as the girls have got older they are more relunctant to do anything other than lie in bed till 2pm!

You do have to love each other and be a united front to make it work.