What to do

[pinkbear82]

Ok, dsds have a party tonight, eldest called her dad and me to go along and take our dd. It's their childcare places party. Thursday is the night we have them.
DPs exw called him this morning to say she would collect the girls from their childcare and take to party venue and see him there.

Now, she has made it clear on countless occasions she isn't ok with me being involved in things to do with the girls. She makes things very hard. Even more so since me and DP had dd 5 months ago. She stirs with the girls telling them we'll love dd more than them as she lives with us etc etc. all nonsense but hard to unsay what's been said.

Now I have no issue with her, she's the girls mother, she will always be a part of DPs life. DP finds it hard to be 'caught in the middle' exw has already told him he's not having the girls over Christmas because of dd.
I want to support him, but is also don't see why I should bow down and not be part of things. Do I go tonight or do I stay home not to rock the boat?!

Ooo tricky.

Is their dm staying for the duration of the party?
Is it close enough for you to pop along after she has gone?
Could you organise a little something back at yours and wait for them to get back (short notice I know!)?

How old are the dd's?

I'm assuming old enough to know that they want you there if it was a dsd that extended the invite?

I would say go along and try not to rock the boat.

Dsds are 7&8. As far as I know their dm will stay, I don't drive otherwise I could have gone/go for a bit and then leave.

It's like a grown up trick or treat!

I have a horrible feeling I'm better off staying home and play it safe.

I'd go along tonight but make sure you stay away from her. If your daughter has been invited, then there's no reason why you should stay away. This woman might not like you, but you do actually exist!

is it up to a 7/8 year old child to invite you and your daughter to a party that they are not hosting?

I would go. You said you usually have them on a Thursday anyway, and your SD has asked for you and DD to be there. By not going their mum might use it against you; you said She stirs with the girls telling them we'll love dd more than them as she lives with us etc etc. by not going you are keeping DD separate from them. (Sorry, I'm not explaining myself very well I hope you know what I mean.) Exw needs to accept that you are likely to see each other at these things and you not going shows that she can control you all.

Thanks for all your replies.

Mumandboys, perhaps it isn't up to an 8 year old, but seeing as she called from her childcare and asked, I'd like to think it was her choice and one that had been discussed. I'd encourage any child to act on taking responsibility where appropriate.

You all make perfect sense, and I agree with you. I was more than happy to go, keep my distance, be polite and grown up about it. However, DP was having none of it. This backs up my theory that exw indeed does still control him and in turn us.

However, I couldn't face an argument over it, in my eyes that means she wins too. So DP has gone, and I am having a lovely evening in with dd. I shall broach it, but not today, I shall wait until it's not such a sore subject.

I don't like how separate things become, but when the girls are here, we certainly make it so they know they are all loved equally and that daddy especially has more than enough time and love for them all. I hope as the girls grow they can all see that independently and form their own views on it all.

It's a shame that your DP didn't 'side' with you. This will have to be addressed when you feel you and DP can talk about it, it won't be fair for your DD to miss out on doing things with her siblings growing up because everyone is scared of Exw kicking off!

Enjoy your evening with DD. Don't know about where you are but it's cold and rainy here so perfect to cuddle up with a baby

I'm sure your SD's know they are equal in your home, you sound very caring towards them.

Thanks bat. It will indeed be addressed, and odd as it may sound things on this situation are better than they have been.

It's cold and rainy here in devon too, so lots of snuggles happening.

I care very much for the girls, think part of my frustration is on their behalf.

Have a warm evening and thanks again

Oh dear pink
It's awful when you can't find a happy medium and your dp should definitely be on your 'side' as the dd's are so obviously happy with you in their lives!
I guess he thought the day of the party was a bit late to broach it, and I can see that tbf.

I have the opposite problem in that dss's dm wants dss here literally all the time.
On the very rare occasion dp has said no as he is away (about a month in advance), she has suggested that I might like to ring in sick to have dss so she can go out

Oh whereisegg, I feel for you. If it's not one extreme it's the other isn't it?
Although I'm not good enough allowed, whatever, to attended such things, I'm fine for looking after the girls when her usual sitters can't.... I'm afraid to say unless it's on our pre-arranged days I have said no to her.

This step parenting isn't an easy one is it? And I know many people say 'you knew what you were taking on' you never actually know the full extent do you?

We are clearly all people who wear our hearts on our sleeve and love our DPs very much.

I have always stuck to my guns and maintained that I would have a positive relationship with my stepsons, and have even gone through solicitors in order to ensure I have had access.

It's been a hard journey with lots of bad feelings from their mother. But finally I can talk to her and laugh with her, she will call me to ask questions and tell me important things. It was definitely the right thing to do for us.

Yes it's very hard.

And if course you can't say anything for fear of being the evil step mother