Dealing with jealousy and insecurity

[theredhen]

My 17 year old dsd appears to be becoming more and more insecure as time goes on.

I've been in her life for over five years. Her mum has had two partners in that time although neither have lived with her officially. I met dp over two years after they split up. She lives with us a third if the time along with her youngest sibling.

18 months ago my dsd2 came to live with us and I think the pecking order has changed dramatically.

She's the eldest of four siblings and one step sibling - my ds.

She has had more opportunities and possessions than her siblings or my ds both from us and from mum's side. That's ok because she's the eldest.

What I am really struggling with is her constant snidey comments. We had a massive sulk last week because she found some smoothie and different brand yogurts in the fridge at ours. Apparently we are denying her "nice food" and dsd2 and ds get it all when she's not here!

We always try and do "family" things when her and her siblings are all together but obviously life does go on when they're not here. I always do a roast, and nice dessert, for example on the weekend they're all here and not the rest of the time. I make her homemade soup because she likes it etc

We decorated her room first when we moved. She's having 4 holidays next year. She has the latest phone. She always seems to wangle a lift from everyone where the others always walk. She has a laptop, a roomful of clothes... Like I say, she really doesn't miss out. She also gets plenty of one to one time with dad which I encourage.

When we were putting photos of the kids up I ended up in a bit of a state worrying that I might get one less picture of her up than the others and I KNEW she would pick up on it.

My ds only has one home, a dad that has promised him 6 times in 2 months to see him but let him down every time. Has to walk, has second hand phone etc etc. Whilst I appreciate that is not dsd fault, I feel slightly annoyed that he's not even "allowed" a yogurt without dsd1 feeling jealous. Dsd2 is also treated like ds although she doesn't get the crap from her mum that ds does from his dad.

And just to add the situation, dsd1 is CONSTANTLY telling dp and I how great everything is at mums. From mums cooking to her bedroom to mum's boyfriend. She is also very arrogant and often very rude to her siblings and my ds.

A few weeks ago I decided to detach from her as it was getting to me. It has helped massively and made me feel a bit more empowered (I had plenty of times where I have felt intimidated by her). However, I'm still wondering where it will all end? She's struggling with schooling and dropped a lot of subjects she was studying. She changed her mind week to week what she wants to do when she leaves and regularly lies to us to make herself appear like someone who is perfect. She has lost many of her friends. She will hide any vulnerability and only seems to communicate with us to tell us how much better she is than everyone else. I've tried to be a good female role model to her, although I've given up now. I don't feel like I've achieved very much on that front!

I feel like nothing we can do would be good enough anyway. It's very hard to live with.

Can anyone relate to this?

Could your partner/spouse talk to her? We have jealousy issues in our household . my ds had me to himself for a long time and no relationship with his father, and now has a step father, plus 3 dsd, the eldest of whom lives with us. All the girls are lucky that they have both their parents involved and caring, while my ds only has me. So there's issues there. Middle Dsd is jealous of eldest dsd being able to spend more time with me and her dad. Point is, we can't do everything! In the end I had to sit down with ds 10, and tell him that sorry life sucks, your father isn't around, but at least you have us, and we love you very much. If you don't snap out if it, you can spend the day in your room.
When dsd1 plays up gets jealous etc, DP tells her she can always go back to her mothers and that normally shuts her up.

My DSD2 (13) is a little similar in some ways - has always played the daddy's little girl role a lot, extracted lifts everywhere, more money spent on her, etc than any of the others, who really don't ever try to compete with her for this role with, which is quite sad at times. I've seen DSS (14) wander off mid-conversation looking sad, when she comes in and changes the topic, pushes in between DP and DSS, etc.

I've been trying to get DP to tackle some of it - he did eventually get her to walk 15 minutes to a club she wanted to do (on the same day as my DS (same age), and DSD1 were both making their own way to different clubs, further away). He says he spelled out that it wasn't that he didn't love her enough to drive her, but that it was good for her developing independence. Seemed to work as she walked without a fuss. But she will also lie rather that admit to wrongdoing - I guess because she can't cope with us thinking badly of her. I find the lying very hard to deal with - I want to shout at her and tell her "look I know you did XXXX, just stop lying about it" but she'd probably run away and cry for hours if I did, so I let DP handle it, who pretends to believe the obvious lie.....

The jealousy and show of perfection of your DSD does sound like she must be hard for everyone around her to live with. I'm not sure how you can tackle that one.

For a long time I put it down to her being the eldest, being a teenager, her parents split.....

But it seems to be getting worse.

When she's at mum's I do feel I can see the situation objectively and feel a bit sorry for her as she's obviously struggling.

When she's here and being nasty, crafty, big headed and lying, I find myself feeling less generous towards her.

Dp has never really tackled it. He will pull her up on things occasionally if she ignores him or me but certainly not every time she's rude to other people. It's the constant double standards he lets go. One week she will literally slag off her sister / ds / a friend/ teacher for doing A, then a week later do A herself and ask for recognition and praise! I think he misses a lot of that.

There have been times in the past when he's pulled her up on things and her mum gets involved and accuses dp of being a bully etc. which I think is a bit rich when it's dsd1 who is displaying the bullying behaviour.

It's half term and she's supposed to be here half the week. She's made excuses and won't be here that much. To be honest I feel quite glad because the atmosphere is always difficult when she's here but I also feel she's not helping herself. We have plans she's now excluded herself from and she will feel more excluded when we are all talking about things we've done when she does show up. That in turn will make her more rude and judgemental and arrogant. She's 17, she should be creating her own life and in doing so, care less and less about our lives but she wants it all!

Sounds like the setup you have with DSD2 being there a lot more than her makes her jealous. But not sure what ypu can do about it. Is she doing A levels? Any plans to leave home?

Is your DP able to talk to his ex/DSD's mum about her behaviour? Not as a complaint, but as a parent being worried about the way their child might be feeling? Do they have that kind of relationship at all? It doesn't sound like it, but if they did it would help I'm sure.

Im sure that would help a lot too. I fact I think a lot if the behaviour is because of mum and dads terrible relationship.

Mum has often emailed dad with a complete rant about his crimes, stopped contact for some perceived misdemeanour of his. Then within weeks mum will do exactly the same as dad has done. The kids get to know about her rants and the consequences, then watch her do exactly the same. I'm sure eldest has learnt the same behaviour.

As for a levels and her future, another sore point. She can't make up her mind on anything, it changed from week to week, she has dropped too many things to make Uni an option now anyway. She looks down her nose at other students who are studying more subjects etc. I suspect she will stay on on further education for an extra year doing something that she won't use in the future anyway.

Redhen I know this is going completely off topic...and I do apologise, but I wanted to ask you something- you mentioned that your ds's father is hardly involved with your ds of his own accord. That is my ds 13's situation too. Do you try and persuade your dp to fill that gap? And do you cover up for his dad's failings or have you have honest discussions? So hard to know what to do for the best!

My dp doesn't plug that gap partly because he has enough of his own issues to deal with and partly because I don't really feel its his place. I do expect him to e a positive role model for him though.

I am quite honest about his dad but as he's got older he's become quite defensive about his dad which I see as ds hiding his constant disappointment.

Ds will make his own decision on that as he goes through life.

I don't try and protect him from his dads let downs but I'm careful to talk about his dads positive traits too.

Thanks redhen. My d's has also become defensive of his dad I assume for the same reasons. I also try & highlight the positive as he is well aware he shares genetics with his dad (however different they are).

My life would be much easier if I didn't wish for dh to plug the gap- I know I am being completely unreasonable, I suppose it's a bit like seeing something great and wanting to give it to your own child. Thanks for your answer!