Anyone got any positive/negative stories for DH.

[Stepmooster]

So last weekend DSS sat on the stairs before we left to take him home saying he can't cope with all the travelling he does and he's tired. He basically gets 2 days every fortnight without massive travelling to do. School (up 530am just over hours drive / traffic jams stressing him out and not getting home until gone 7pm 3 nights a week) then EOF (20 min drive to nearest tube, DH meets him 1.5 hour tube ride home), EOSu (1 hour tube (us), then 30 mins train (alone), then 30 mins car (ex)).

I've posted before about how DSS is attending a secondary school where he used to live and his mum works nearby so forgive me for not regurgitating the ins and outs. He doesn't want to change schools his mum doesn't want him to either. DH is not going to suggest it either because DSS is happy there.

So it looks like we are not going to be seeing an awful lot of DSS. He doesn't want to come for half term. Mainly because DH can't get time off for all of it and he would be bored with just me and his baby half siblings.

We can't move closer the mortgage company won't lend us enough to move until the kids are older and childcare costs are less.

So DH is accepting that he isn't going to see his son an awful lot now he's moved. I kind of expected this to happen.

They speak twice a week but DSS is getting to an age when communication is monosyllabic and is not very meaningful.

Has anyone got any positive stories for DH, whereby children grow up miles from their fathers hardly ever seeing them and then rebuilding a bond in adulthood? Especially when there is a stepfather who mum insists is dad and an equal parent. DSS told DH this, Stepfather is his dad too apparently. I had to drag DH away into another room and prevent him from saying, 'I'm your dad, he is not your dad!' Etc etc. Until then we've been pretty good at not letting DH true feelings of hurt come out in that respect.

Before they moved away contact was good the hour or so travelling EOW did not affect DSS and he got on so well with our DD who did a lot of firsts with DSS and made DSS so proud.

The only RL example is my cousins half brother who moved away from their home town and my cousin and uncle have no relationship with him now (he's 40).

I don't want to fill DH head up with false hope and I might suggest he gets some counselling. However just wondered if anyone would be willing to share their story with me so I get a better understanding of what is likely to happen and be much better support for DH.

My parents split up when I was 7 and my sister was 5, we moved with mum and new step dad from Newbury to Scotland while my dad stayed put. I can't say it was always easy only seeing Dad for a week in school hols but we managed with letters, phone calls and lots of effort from both parents to maintain a proper relationship. My mum always made sure we knew that dad was our dad and ivvolved him in all big parenting decisions like choosing schools etc. I'm 35 now and have a wonderful relationship with my Dad and always have, I think in a way it was easier for him as he didn't have to do any of the hard parenting, only fun holiday stuff! Hope that helps reassure your DH that long distance parenting can still end up with close relationships if everyone works hard and is determined to succeed

Is there any way your DH could do the travelling to DSS occasionally instead? Not sure how practical that would be if you have small DC who would miss out on contact too, and not see their dad when that happens. But maybe say once a month he could travel there, DSS does the journey once a month then that's at least fortnightly contact? Takes a bit of the burden away from DSS and might help.

Other than that possibly not so helpful suggestion I'm not sure what else to add.

Thank you ladies, Tension that is a good idea and perhaps come new year and we have hopefully got DC2 8 weeks into a routine we could all go over to see him. It would be ideal in summer as DSS lives by seaside.

Unfortunately his mum and DH are not on speaking terms and DH has no say in anything. The conflict is not worth the upset it causes DSS.

I'm not sure why your DH feels he can't say to his DS that he is his only Dad? Its great that your DSS has a good relationship with his stepdad, but I wouldn't be standing by and allowing your DH to be pushed out. How old is your DSS? From the OP he sounds quite old enough to understand the difference between a parent and a step parent!

I think it is important that your DH keeps making a real effort to keep the relationship up, phone calls, and as others have said, you all travelling to him where possible.

My DH had to fight quite hard to keep up contact with his son, when he was younger and DH's ex moved abroad, and wanted to replace him with a new Dad. He is living closer again now. We don't see DSS as often as we would like, as he is at uni, and has a job, but he still seems to see our house as a home, and comes to visit when he can. He and DH are fairly similar people, and have a good relationship.

I'm not sure why your DH feels he can't say to his DS that he is his only Dad? Its great that your DSS has a good relationship with his stepdad, but I wouldn't be standing by and allowing your DH to be pushed out. How old is your DSS? From the OP he sounds quite old enough to understand the difference between a parent and a step parent!

I think the way the OP has described the scenario, her DH was possibly 'on the spot' when his DS said what he did, and perhaps it was right to drag him away before he said something fuelled by emotion/hurt as opposed to taking the opportunity later to have a calm conversation about what was said. There is also the possibility that DSS here perhaps feels like his SDad is 'like a dad' but isn't able to express that in a way that won't feel like he is pushing his dad out, or hurting his feelings i.e. he has been clumsy in saying what he did, or he has blurted this out to try and hurt his dad but while angry about something so, again, not great to react in a way that causes more hurt/anger/distance. It's a delicate balance IMO and I don't think the OP was wrong to prevent her DH from blurting out something that equally might not come out the right way, and create a further rift between the father and son. If it's something the OP's DH feels strongly enough about, then I think he should perhaps address it, but from the POV of finding out how the DS feels about everything before setting out his own feelings. It's just not right to burden a child with your own feelings of hurt/rejection if they aren't in a great place to do anything about it i.e. the only solution is to shut down the relationship with the Sdad emotionally, which places the DS in an awful position of having to balance both relationships in each home to keep either parent/SP happy. I wouldn't be comfortable putting a child in that position which is why i think the OP was right to jump in.

I think DSS said it partly to get a reaction but also I'll bet money he genuinely calls his stepfather dad. His stepfather used to make a point of calling him son in front of DH at handovers (all to try and goad DH during a legal battle).

In the beginning of our relationship DH was definitely struggling with DSS's relationship with stepfather. It got easier when we had children and DH relaxed a lot and told DSS it was ok he could love both DH and his stepfather. No point trying deny the OM existence (and yes he was the OM which is why there was an issue in the first place).

When his mum remarried last year he told DSS he would not let him change his surname to match his mums. The elder children had their names changed to DH surname when he married his ex. Ex's idea not his. The whole 'he's not your dad and I am,' talk has already happened.

Last weekend DH would not have been very
Measured in his response to DSS and therefore needed to be removed from the situation. I was about to take DSS back and it would not have been right for DH and DSS to part after a heated discussion! Always leave on a positive. DSS wants us to move to his old hometown but he doesn't understand that these things are not quite as simple as it seems. He was definitely pushing DH's buttons.

(Before anyone picks up on me taking DSS back, it was because DH had a stinker of a cold and wasn't up to it and I did it as a favour.)

OP I think when other people in this dynamic have already set the tone i.e. putting their own feelings/thoughts/arguments over the situation onto your DSS, then it will be bloody hard to try and get the balance right on that no matter what is said from now on. I think you did the right thing stopping your DH from blurting something out that he might well have regretted later. It sounds like DSS has a helluva lot on his plate with the whole situation - new siblings in your home who he no doubt misses too, step dad in place of where his dad once was, possibly feeling conflicted about that, distance between both homes and a limit on the time he spends with his dad while feeling knackered with all the driving etc. The problem is, as you say, there isn't an easy way to deal with what is probably worrying him, and I seriously doubt it's the case that he loves his Sdad more, or wants him to replace his dad.

I hope you find a way forward, your DH sounds like he is very conflicted himself over everything that's gone on and no doubt feels as frustrated as your DSS is too.

Yes I agree, the last thing we need to be doing is putting our emotions and thoughts of the situation across to DSS. I forbid DH from 'fishing' too much from DSS, I know he wants to know if DSS is happy in his new school etc but he needs to back off with the questions now he's settled in and perhaps liaise more with the school instead.

We got pregnant with DC2 about the same time that the big move was decided. If we knew they were moving we would have waited.

DH struggled for the first couple of years after his marriage broke down. He was not the best at keeping his emotions from DSS. Every contact weekend, they had to share a sofa bed at his brother's and DSS would have night terrors. The IL's tell me that when DH and I got together DH he stopped obsessing about contact time with DSS, it was the highlight of his fortnights back then and I think it was putting too much pressure on DSS and in response DSS felt partly responsible for his father's happiness.

So when we got together, he saw his dad happy, he got his own room (didnt have one at the old house) and he got to have a little sister. DSS always wanted another sibling because his elder siblings had other half siblings and he felt left out. DSS opened up a lot more during contact time, relaxed, enjoyed himself more. Now it's like we are going back to the beginning again, and DSS needs his dad to stay strong for him. Don't get me wrong DH has not gone completely to pieces but I was hoping for some people with experience to maybe tell me what they have gone through. So I can say, you are not going to lose your son because we can't see him as much.

If I am honest after reading some threads about how adolescent step children can turn away from the NRP due to the oddest slight, perhaps egged on by RP and then they drift apart and it doesnt seem to ever improve. I hope DSS does not blame us for not moving closer to him, get jealous of the little ones etc.

Step I think your presence in your DH/DSS lives has probably helped make a continued relationship a real possibility so take heart in that. I'm sure with your help/support your DH will navigate his way through this, with them both coming out the other side still having a strong connection and loving relationship. But I don't have the experience you are looking for so can't reassure on that level. I think China who posts here, her DH has had a turn around in his relationship with his DD despite the fact they had no contact for a good while due in no small part to the influence of the ex/RP. I'm sure if she comes along, she'll have something reassuring to add.