What is it with some refusing to simply let go?

[StuckInLimbo]

First off - hi I'm new to Mumsnet so please excuse me if I get any of the shortenings wrong but I have been lurking a while so should be ok :)

What is it with some ex's refusing to let go? I've been with DH coming on 10 years and his ex still thinks she needs to know the ins and outs of everything.

The latest is an argument with DH on how she should be receiving more CSA off him as he not only has a decent wage coming in but has 3 DC with me (CB coming in for our three) and the fact that I have money coming in should mean she gets extra for her two DT 11 as it's only fair.

One of ours was in hospital recently and she wanted to know exactly what for and what medication was prescribed.

Oh and she keeps calling me the "rebound" to the DT's and that dad will eventually come to his senses.

Just laugh it off,easier said than done i know.she shouldnt be given any info on your childs illness,not her concern.is the maintenance thru csa?

Yeah, all through CSA. DH asked her if she wanted to do it privately as she'd probably be better off that way. She said she'd have a think but a week later he received a phone call off CSA. And as it turns out she's worse off than what DH had offered her privately so I think she still hasn't got over that.

I do try and shrug it off most of the time and I completely stay out of any communication there is between her and DH but when she drags my kids name through the mud it's a bit hard. There's been some instances where she's been downright nasty about them and my heart sinks because I couldn't ever imagine being so awful about the DTs or any child for that matter. She's made some very personal attacks.

Jealousy! Pure and simple!
My DPs ex is green with it. Not because she wants him back but because he's happy because I've made him happy and she hates it.
It's all about control too - she controlled him when they were married, controlled him throughout the divorce then used the kids to control him. When he moved in with me (another town away) she knew nothing about our lives here and it drives her mad that we are happily getting in with our lives and her dc are happy here too!
Best to just see it for what it is and ignore it!

No advice but will sympathise with you. I have the same and have only just been complaining to a friend about this. My DH and I had a big set to the other week where he accused me of being too absorbed in my career, initially i didnt agree however when i looked at it, it was true and i realised its becuase its the only place the ex can't interfere or get to me.
I am fed up of not being able to say we are planning to get a new car to the DC or other such plans.....and the general feeling of suffocation I have.
we are also several years down the line arrggh - just know your not alone Limbo

I agree with the others, just keep on ignoring

Why can't you say if you are getting a car ?

Northern, is it because your dp doesn't want it getting back to the ex? We just bought a house and DH said we shouldn't go on about it when his kids are hear as he doesn't want the ex to get pissed off,

Yes why can't we Rush well any expenditure outside the norm gets analysed, sometimes leads to a Out and out earnings update request or even texts listing our spending, even the dog purchase got a mention during a rant ...
Hence the suffocation [sigh]

Well! How dare you have a life! Lol

I do try and ignore as best I can but things are so stressed in our relationship at the minute because of her. She had and still has a habit of withholding contact unless DH agrees to her demands (Ie: they are suddenly ill or have a number of occasions to attend to that always come up when DH will not agree to what she wants She even refuses to let them come on the phone - stating that they no longer wish to speak to him as he's causing them hardship by not agreeing .) It's resulted in intervention via courts. What a hellish time that was to go through.

When the DTs are here we get her phoning them on the mobile asking what they're having for dinner, are our kids having the same? Christmas is another issue. She wants DH to give a break-down of what he and I spend.

They are not allowed to phone us (DH has to always phone them otherwise he won't hear from them at all or know about arrangements or any changes.) One DT did so a few months back and got in a total row with mum because she'd gone through the phone history and looked at dialled calls.

I think it's a definite control issue. And I agree Kaluki, I'm not sure she still loves him anymore - I think it's more a hate issue now. She just can't bear that he's moved on and is happy.

Yes we have to watch what we say I front of the dsc too. Anything we say will be taken down by DSD and used against us in the future!! She doesn't mean to - she is constantly pumped for information and feels like she is being good for telling her mum stuff.
We have the telephone interrogation when they are here too - it's sad to watch their faces struggling to remember every little detail while she fires relentless questions at them

Its not just a female thing either,sadly my ex interrogates the kids aswell.:(

Great, no contact going ahead this weekend. And who gets that information - me! She is refusing to engage in conversation with DH so has text my phone (which no doubt she has got from one of the DTs phone) and asked me to let "him" know there will be no contact this weekend due to "having something on."

I have asked time and time again not to be pulled in to this shit and it may seem awful and as if I'm completely disengaging but it's between both parents to sort out. But if I don't pass on this message DH will be none the wiser.

He has asked her to attend another mediation session just so they can get some general amicable communication going for the sake of the DTs but the response he got was "No, you made this choice - your bed now lie in it."

Why does it always have to be so bloody difficult

Seriously Limbo? After all these years she is still that bitter. Does she have a new partner/husband? What were circumstances for their break up?
It's not just woman, my ex pulls that card, 'you left me ' therefore anything that proceeds it is my fault, and I mean anything and everything.
It must be very exhausting carrying round that hate and bitterness for that long, you must have to actively work at it to be honest, you have to feel sorry for them as they will either one day 'get over it' but have a lot of regrett for being that way for soo long and the damage it caused or never get there which is a waste of life ....

She's moved on and married herself but spends most of her time trying to cause friction and upset in this household. I feel sorry for her poor husband with having to deal with her going on to try and gain a hand to upset an ex.

Circumstances for the break-up were that DH found her with an OM. She apparently regretted the "mistake" and wanted to give it another go but DH refused. He said he could no longer trust her and it wouldn't be fair to the twins to lie and stay together for their sake. As far as he's concerned - their relationship was over the moment she decided to set foot in to another man's bed.