Money issues when partner loses job - my role as SM?

[sm12]

DH has recently lost his job. This is not good news for anyone and he is stressed out, understandably. I really, really feel for him. He is doing all he can to secure another and looks like he will have to take quite a pay cut to get one.

Meanwhile, his ex has been less than sympathetic. Of course she is worried. Up until this point he has been paying her a very large four figure sum (Child maintenance + spousal maintenance), in part because he used to be a high earner but those days were some years ago and so he has been using what is left of his savings to continue at the same level. They have one child between them and shared residency.

Currently she is putting a LOT of pressure on him to sort this out, which he is trying so hard to do. He can pay her this month and maybe next with what is left in the pot but after that if he doesn't get a job....

I work full time, but don't earn a lot of money, and contribute to our household. It certainly won't stretch to keeping us all afloat. I do have some savings that I was hoping we could put down towards a deposit to buy a house in the future. In light of the changing financial circumstances I now have no problem in using this money to keep the three of us (me, Dh and stepchild) going until such time he finds a job but am now under some pressure to also fund the ex (talking spousal maintenance here, child maintenance I would be happy to pay). I think this may well evoke in me bad feelings, sorry!, and be harmful with regards to the DH's and my relationship in the future.

I know that the Ex lives mortgage free, works part time and receives benefits, and that not receiving the DH's spousal maintenance will be a hardship but.... Am I being unreasonable? How can I manage this without upsetting anyone, including me? What should I do?

Bloody hell SM12 - I have to say I'm not entirely surprised by this turn of events though. It must be quite an upheaval for all concerned (understatement) and I hope you're managing to find a way through. I know you think a lot of your stepchild and had been having them for more than 50% of the time already, so hopefully, so far as you and DH are concerned the new arrangement isn't too difficult. I don't mean that to sound at all nasty - I just mean I hope it hasn't been too much of a shock. It might be best to be thinking along the lines of having them FT on a permanent basis anyway. You'd no longer need to concern yourself with paying the ex, and what you were giving her, can now stay in your household - and you and DH can be sure the teen is getting what they need. In fact, she should now be paying DH child maintenance shouldn't she, and you should be looking into getting child benefit.

However - how the hell does the teenager now feel ? At that age they must be aware, after this latest turn, that their own mother sees them as a meal ticket. That must be some blow to their self confidence I'm sure and horrid to think their mum doesn't want them unless she gets an "extra" sum of money - for herself - which was a voluntary agreement in any case, set when circumstances were very different.

I know you and DH must have a lot to think about and discuss, but providing stability for the teen is vital. They can't be passed about like a parcel depending what mood their mother's in. They are also old enough to decide where they want to live, and if they want to stay with you then that's how things should proceed IMO (am assuming that as they're with you so much usually there isn't an issue with school ?). I think their mother has shot herself in the foot and revealed just what sort of person she is. It's clear that the spousal maintenance is her main concern rather than being with her child. I feel very sorry for them, but if you can offer teen a FT home with you, her life is going to change very rapidly isn't it because her income will reduce suddenly by a hell of a lot - which can't be helped. DH didn't deliberately lose his job did he. But by taking this stance and demanding blood out of a stone (she obviously thought you would stump up) she's lost both elements of maintenance she used to receive, and quite probably the respect of her child as well. I feel very sorry for the teen having to face up to how their mother really is.

I'm not entirely surprised either. We half expected DH's ex to pull a similar stunt once DSS left school and DH stopped paying maintenance.

But I agree totally with Catsmother, that she's shot herself in the foot big-style on both counts, ie her relationship with her daughter AND maintenance payments.

What a sad situation.

This reminds me when my mother went absolutely batshit crazy when my dad was made redundant (along with all the other men working in the coal industry in 80's + 90's). She never, ever, forgave him for the fact she had to get a job to support herself and it would be a sore point to be brought up whenever she was in a bad mood at dad or knackered from working. Like anyone has any choice in becoming unemployed!

If she is working make sure to claim CM from her, the woman sees her children as a source of income and it's not fair. Why should anyone work hard to support themselves and others and when the boot is on the other foot, due to unfortunate circumstances then the favour should be repaid.

The entitlement this person can feel, to the point where they'll prioritise it over the emotional and financial welfare of their child, is disgusting.

How very sad, the mother may as well of said he doesn't earn an income anymore so out you go... Makes me so cross and this is what gives single mums a bad name.
Do not pay this woman spousal maintenance, its such an old fashioned thing anyway and no way a court would award it. Infact my DH solicitor told him the only time he has seen it awarded in all his practising years was for a lady in her late 50's where it would be considered unreasonable for get to start a career at that point in her life, the 2nd scenario was that of a mother of a disabled child whom required full time care. She is young enough and perfectly able (if not willing) to support herself and only the DC is jus responsibility. If DC is already with you then he's dpi g that anyway

the problem is northernnanny is that if parents who are together decide that their grown up child should make their own way in the world, they are teaching them independence and all sorts of other good things; if one half of a separated couple dares suggest that a grown up child makes their own way in the world, it's all about the money and cash cows and what a terrible parent they are. It's not as simple as giving single mum's a bad name, it's about the fact that single mum's are looked down on by just about everyone and are seen as nothing other than financial parasites who live off everyone else, regardless of whether or not this is actually true. Why shouldn't a single mum be able to say 'enough' if the other parent isn't also willing to play their financial part? I realise this situation is different, but these double standards are so much a part of the way we view separated parenting, particularly where one parent has a new partner and the other remains single.

OP - it is a shame it has come to this. I hope you do what you can to ensure that she is not bad-mouthed within her children's earshot and that you encourage the relationship between mum and children as best you can. With any luck, she will realise she's on her own and rise to the challenge - which is probably the best thing that could have happened to her.

Northen what a horrible comment bout single mums.not all turn their backs on their kids cos of money.so why should they have a bad name..?

SM12. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I think there must be no alternative now but to take this awful woman (back) to court and obtain a fair settlement.

You miss understand my comment, maybe its how I have I have written it. I mean by it that a very small few with actions such as in OPs situation is what creates the wrong stero image of single mums and that is wrong because most of us are most definitely not like that.
I toral agree Mum123 that when scenarios happen in a together family it's deemed ok but when separated there's an apparent agenda somewhere.

And I should say when I refer to that I mean on this site onto RL, in RL these situations (as per OP) are heard of less or not aired so publicly anyway, but due to the nature of this thread we read it all too often.
I find it very sad as I was child subjected to similar rejection and the emotions surrounding that time in my life are still very vivid

Sorry to hear you are going through this sm12

I agree with catsmother - she has shot herself in the foot. Use your money to improve your life.

Just to pick you up on one point Northern Nanny You are incorrect in stating Spousal maintenence would not be awarded. It is still very much in existance. The amount set varies case by case and the amount can be altered depending upon changes in circumstances.